I've always been very close to my uncle. Our relationship revolves around watching movies together, and (when he was in better health) a lot of outings (taking my daughter when she was younger to a local mini theme park/carnival, the zoo, museums, going out to eat, etc.). He's going to pass soon, and I'll get to the details.
Some important context: I'm adopted, and very close to my adoptive mom's family, which is small and close-knit. My mom has three siblings, and none ever got married or had kids. So I'm the first and only daughter with no siblings, no cousins. My two uncles and my aunt all love kids, but for their own reasons all never had any of their own. This has put a ton of pressure on me my entire life to fill that void for everyone. So I have a complicated relationship with my family — I love them so much, but feel so much pressure all the time to be there for everyone and meet everyone's expectations and needs.
I've also had so many losses and this one is hitting me hard. My mom passed from pancreatic cancer a year and a half ago. My dad was diagnosed with early-onset dementia when I was 16, and lived for 12 years. I helped my mom take care of him, while I had my daughter at age 21.
My mom struggled with losing him and developed some addictions. She'd help with my daughter while I had school, but then go off for days at a time to stay with friends and get away on a bender, leaving me with my baby daughter and my dad with multiple health issues.
Then my other uncle (mom's twin brother) passed quickly from cancer. Then my dad. Then my lifelong best friend. Then my mom passed from pancreatic cancer a year and a half ago. And several other people along the years, including my husband's best friend just last year. I'm so sick of being hit with death and grief. I'm 35 and have lost so many people, and now I'm faced with another one.
My uncle has had health issues for several years, including poor circulation in his leg. He scraped his leg and the wound hasn't healed for years. Last year, he fell and ended up in nursing home for a month. He got out just in time for my mom's celebration of life, which was beautiful but was a whole ordeal between my aunt and I.
Last month, he ended up in the hospital again, and had emergency surgery earlier this week for a blood clot. This resulted in amputation being the only option. And he declined the amputation. He knew it was a possibility for a while, but surprised us by saying he'd rather die than go through that. And I respect his decision and understand where he's coming from, but it was a shock.
So, in his words, he wants two more weeks to go home (not an option), and be with family and watch a few movies he loves. He wants MAID after two weeks. Also not an option. He'll be in the hospital until he passes.
Finally, the question. We have a 12 day trip planned to Hawaii. We leave in one week. A huge chunk of it is nonrefundable, and even if we rescheduled it won't be until the end of summer due to various obligations we have.
Right now he's doing relatively well — as in, I don't see him passing within the week before we leave. But there's no way to know for sure. It could be tomorrow, it could be a month or two.
I hate the thought of leaving knowing he's so close to end. And what if he passes while we're gone? I want to be there for my aunt, too. I know it's a trip and in theory we can do it any time, and eat the money we're out. But there are so many reservations made and conflicts with our schedule it's not super easy. Knowing this trip is coming has been an anchor for me through a really rough year, and trying to cancel and reschedule everything is honestly more than I have the capacity for.
I want to talk to my uncle when I visit tomorrow. I want to tell him I'll visit every day this week and spend time with him, and then video call every day on vacation. I don't know how he'll take it.
What if he gets worse closer to the end of the week? I guess we cancel then?
I was extremely stressed out between my mentally ill mother and unemployment and warned my family I would not be available on that holiday.
I had only a home-phone for my land line and a flip phone, no smartphone at the time that I completely disconnected all contacts for 24 hours and enjoyed myself in Marin County at age 57 that I had missed out for years because of my mother.
I was medical and financial POA at the time, with my remote brother second in line.
The very next morning, I reconnected both my phones and returned back to my temporary job. Sure enough, my family contacted me and asked what happened to me because they were unable to call me about my mother's medical concerns.
I apologized dearly but told them I had a wonderful day on the holiday I earned and never regretted for Myself.
Sometimes a vacation is just what you need. However, I know that when I was faced with that question, I ended up cutting my vacation short to take care of my Mom (BTW, I never regretted the decision to cut my vacation short, even though it cost me a few thousand in cancellation fees and short notice direct flights).
I don't know where you live, however Hawaii is a five hour flight to the west coast. There are many flights early in the day as well as late at night to get from Hawaii to the west coast and beyond.
He gets to live and die his way. Mimi needs to do the same. Remember, there's a teenage daughter this would affect, as well.
My son is fine not seeing grandparents again. My middle sister and family need to see Dad /grandad at least one more time and will visit on Father's Day.
I'm OK either way. Though he has gotten better, he could get pneumonia or have a stroke and be gone tomorrow. No more hospitals for him.
We each process decline and death differently. If you "know" you'll feel guilty if he passes, then you need to not go. If you "know" the financial burden of not going is bigger that if he passes...GO!
It is YOUR mental and emotional health you need to handle. Make the decision and KNOW you are OK with your decision. Tough? Yes, but it is what we are asked to do. Deep breath, tell aunt it seems right to go OR tell spouse to leave you behind AND get rid the part of your "guilt" button that gets in our way. It isn't about money (even if it feels so). It IS about emotional support a vacation can give and whether you can let yourself go on vacation. AND what you think you'll feel like if he passes while you are gone. I believe that life is eternal, but not in this body. I'm OK going on vacation (and hoping I don't have to be in the room again).
Make the decision and pour yourself into knowing the universe has your back. No complaining, just be proud of yourself for following what your insides know is right for YOU! And stick to it - put your heart into moving forward. Tears likely (and should be in my book) either way.
You have my support whatever choice you make and those around need to also. Many prayers.
Tears are inevitable, but guilt can just do one!
Perhaps, send pictures via email, but Mimi should enjoy the trip with her daughter. This is their time.
It is your choice, of course. If you do stay to be present for your uncle's death, it would be for you, even more than him. You would go forward knowing you were there to the end. After all you've done, you might want to give that to yourself.
I have a friend who's parent was dying. The mom told her son ( my friend )" no don't come all the way out. I don't want to strain you." So he didn't go to her bedside while she died. I think that she felt she was being a "good mom" to not burden him, but he has always regretted not being there.
It's your choice, depending upon your relationship with your uncle, how YOU would feel.... being there or not, but as much of a hassle as it is to cancel and reschdule a vacation....it can be done, unlike a death.
No matter what you choose, stay compassionate with yourself. There's always the swing between guilt and resentment.
Stay compassionate with yourself.
B
How would you handle cancelling an expensive trip for yourself reserved perhaps months in advance??
Please No Guilt, otherwise plan nothing until a beloved family member dies??
She needs her hard-earned vacation. If cancelled at the last minute, she will have to pay a cancellation fee in addition to what was lost for reservations for Hawaii. She travels, and by luck, her uncle may be happy she is having fun.
But, you HAVE to take care of you & whatever that means for you!
*I would probably cancel & go in August like you mentioned you could.
If he weren't passing soon, I would say Yesss, Go.
But, just know, if he passes & you're on vacation... you're going to feel Soooo far away & then, you gotta' Get Home!
You'll have to discontinue your trip, spend money to return early & you will not have been able to fully enjoy your vacation.
August is only a couple of months away. It'll be a nice getaway once this is over, you have the services behind you, no anxiety on worrying yourself about if your loved one is going to pass while you're gone & you can get some relief & relaxation.
Because if you go now... you're going to be pretty nervous & anxious & I personally wouldn't want to be on vacation in that state of mind!
But, whatever you decide, that is the perfect choice for YOU!;-)
It's just as likely that her uncle will still be here in August, but much weaker. It would be harder for her to leave him, then, and I think the guilt would be worse.
I know there is no need for guilt, but our brains don't always differentiate between what is real and what is purely emotional.
Don't call, send Day 1, Day 2 ...emails instead.
All the other advice is spot on, go, enjoy, stay in touch with the emails. God bless you.
Whatever happens from now on, nothing will change that. Your relationship is special.
Your uncle has made a difficult decision about his life and how he wants to live it, even though he knows that his decision means leaving you and that it will hurt you. But it's his life, not yours. He felt that he couldn't live with losing his leg.
Similarly, you can't make decisions about your life and how you live it based on what may or may not happen to your uncle. This is a big trip and cancelling it won't just affect you, but your daughter as well.
Go visit your uncle in hospital, perhaps with a tablet or laptop and some films lined up. Talk about those wonderful shared times. He will know that you love him and that you appreciate him, but he will also understand that you have to live your life.
I would discuss this with Uncle. I would say "Uncle, we have a vacation coming up which was long ago pre-planned and not refundable. I hate at this time to leave you; can you reassure me you will have support to muster through a few weeks without me? We really NEED this vacation".
I am hoping he is a big enough/good enough man to reassure you and send you on your way. Vacations don't mean that someone left behind will not die, expectedly or unexpectedly. And in fact I have friends who had their partner on vacation die on them in another country. Things aren't predictable. Life doesn't stop for "what ifs".
My advice is to go on that vacation. You have had your life together enjoying films. Something that enriched the lives of you both. You are on different journeys now, moving in opposite directions. You will be there when you can. And you deserve a life when you cannot.
What I learned is that it's not a thing we can do about people dying or becoming ill, and sacrificing time and our lives isn't going to change things or the outcome.
Your staying won't change the situation. Life is meant to be lived. I think you should live it.
Editing to add, I don't have any children. I'm close with my niece and nephews. I would NEVER begrudge them their lives. If I were ill and they had something like this planned.... I'd say Go... Enjoy.... Live. Sounds like he enjoyed the living. You deserve this respite with your family.
You said you had an option at the end of summer. Sounds best to take that.
And also, why is maid not an option given that he will die from gangrene-associated sepsis? If not maid, why is hospice not an option to at least give him ample morphine and Ativan?
Surely your uncle, since he loves you, would want you to have a respite from so much tragedy. Go.