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I've always been very close to my uncle. Our relationship revolves around watching movies together, and (when he was in better health) a lot of outings (taking my daughter when she was younger to a local mini theme park/carnival, the zoo, museums, going out to eat, etc.). He's going to pass soon, and I'll get to the details.


Some important context: I'm adopted, and very close to my adoptive mom's family, which is small and close-knit. My mom has three siblings, and none ever got married or had kids. So I'm the first and only daughter with no siblings, no cousins. My two uncles and my aunt all love kids, but for their own reasons all never had any of their own. This has put a ton of pressure on me my entire life to fill that void for everyone. So I have a complicated relationship with my family — I love them so much, but feel so much pressure all the time to be there for everyone and meet everyone's expectations and needs.


I've also had so many losses and this one is hitting me hard. My mom passed from pancreatic cancer a year and a half ago. My dad was diagnosed with early-onset dementia when I was 16, and lived for 12 years. I helped my mom take care of him, while I had my daughter at age 21.


My mom struggled with losing him and developed some addictions. She'd help with my daughter while I had school, but then go off for days at a time to stay with friends and get away on a bender, leaving me with my baby daughter and my dad with multiple health issues.


Then my other uncle (mom's twin brother) passed quickly from cancer. Then my dad. Then my lifelong best friend. Then my mom passed from pancreatic cancer a year and a half ago. And several other people along the years, including my husband's best friend just last year. I'm so sick of being hit with death and grief. I'm 35 and have lost so many people, and now I'm faced with another one.


My uncle has had health issues for several years, including poor circulation in his leg. He scraped his leg and the wound hasn't healed for years. Last year, he fell and ended up in nursing home for a month. He got out just in time for my mom's celebration of life, which was beautiful but was a whole ordeal between my aunt and I.


Last month, he ended up in the hospital again, and had emergency surgery earlier this week for a blood clot. This resulted in amputation being the only option. And he declined the amputation. He knew it was a possibility for a while, but surprised us by saying he'd rather die than go through that. And I respect his decision and understand where he's coming from, but it was a shock.


So, in his words, he wants two more weeks to go home (not an option), and be with family and watch a few movies he loves. He wants MAID after two weeks. Also not an option. He'll be in the hospital until he passes.


Finally, the question. We have a 12 day trip planned to Hawaii. We leave in one week. A huge chunk of it is nonrefundable, and even if we rescheduled it won't be until the end of summer due to various obligations we have.
Right now he's doing relatively well — as in, I don't see him passing within the week before we leave. But there's no way to know for sure. It could be tomorrow, it could be a month or two.


I hate the thought of leaving knowing he's so close to end. And what if he passes while we're gone? I want to be there for my aunt, too. I know it's a trip and in theory we can do it any time, and eat the money we're out. But there are so many reservations made and conflicts with our schedule it's not super easy. Knowing this trip is coming has been an anchor for me through a really rough year, and trying to cancel and reschedule everything is honestly more than I have the capacity for.


I want to talk to my uncle when I visit tomorrow. I want to tell him I'll visit every day this week and spend time with him, and then video call every day on vacation. I don't know how he'll take it.


What if he gets worse closer to the end of the week? I guess we cancel then?

Although not vacation related, I took one day off on Memorial Day 2013 while my then 93-year-old mother was had been placed into a care home after over one year as her caregiver, because she was unable to care for herself and practically held me captive at home. She suffered many falls unaccounted for but still had Control for life with me.

I was extremely stressed out between my mentally ill mother and unemployment and warned my family I would not be available on that holiday.

I had only a home-phone for my land line and a flip phone, no smartphone at the time that I completely disconnected all contacts for 24 hours and enjoyed myself in Marin County at age 57 that I had missed out for years because of my mother.

I was medical and financial POA at the time, with my remote brother second in line.

The very next morning, I reconnected both my phones and returned back to my temporary job. Sure enough, my family contacted me and asked what happened to me because they were unable to call me about my mother's medical concerns.

I apologized dearly but told them I had a wonderful day on the holiday I earned and never regretted for Myself.
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Reply to Patathome01
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Only God knows the future and can control it. Worry about those things you are able to control and leave for God those you are not able to control. Enjoy each day of your vacation and leave it to God to handle the rest.
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Reply to johnawheeler
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LLooks like tomorrow is the day? Have a great trip and leave your worries behind you.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Visit your uncle now and make sure to say all the things you need to. Go on your trip and enjoy yourself. Call him daily if you start feeling guilty.
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Reply to Taarna
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I think you need to ask yourself the question: If I go on vacation, will I feel any guilt or remorse if something major or if he passes while I'm on vacation? If you told your Uncle about the vacation, what would he say to you? "Go" or don't go?

Sometimes a vacation is just what you need. However, I know that when I was faced with that question, I ended up cutting my vacation short to take care of my Mom (BTW, I never regretted the decision to cut my vacation short, even though it cost me a few thousand in cancellation fees and short notice direct flights).

I don't know where you live, however Hawaii is a five hour flight to the west coast. There are many flights early in the day as well as late at night to get from Hawaii to the west coast and beyond.
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MiaMoor May 23, 2025
It's not her mum. And the uncle doesn't need to die. He's refusing a life-changing operation that could save his life.

He gets to live and die his way. Mimi needs to do the same. Remember, there's a teenage daughter this would affect, as well.
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Vacation might be just what the doctor ordered. Releases stress, allows for a healthy recharging, and perhaps most important prepares you for the simple fact that a loved one might depart this world. Sounds cold when someone says life goes on, but it is indeed a fact and vacationing during this difficult period may be the healthiest decision one can make. Peace and Prosperity.
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Medical Aid in Dying (MAID)
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Reply to MissesJ
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I think you’re making a good decision. I would also say that you can still be there for your aunt when you get back. People don’t get over the death of a spouse in two weeks’ time, you’ll still have time to be helpful to her if you choose.
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Patathome01 Jun 26, 2025
Cannot cancel this message..sorry!
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GO and ENJOY
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Reply to Cattypatti
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Only you can answer the question. I check in with my grown children regularly regarding my parents. I could tell something changed in my mom last summer and my daughter said she needed to see her before she went, so I had her visit in Sept. My daughter needed to see the degrade. All came for Christmas and my mom passed in January. All were good. My daughter came for the memorial service, my son did not. All their choice. I was in the room - not sure I needed that, but techincally useful since my mom needed me to remind her she said she didn't want to linger, my dad needed me to tell him to visit mom one more time AND the caregiver on duty needed my support - her first death and only on duty with my family for a month.

My son is fine not seeing grandparents again. My middle sister and family need to see Dad /grandad at least one more time and will visit on Father's Day.
I'm OK either way. Though he has gotten better, he could get pneumonia or have a stroke and be gone tomorrow. No more hospitals for him.

We each process decline and death differently. If you "know" you'll feel guilty if he passes, then you need to not go. If you "know" the financial burden of not going is bigger that if he passes...GO!
It is YOUR mental and emotional health you need to handle. Make the decision and KNOW you are OK with your decision. Tough? Yes, but it is what we are asked to do. Deep breath, tell aunt it seems right to go OR tell spouse to leave you behind AND get rid the part of your "guilt" button that gets in our way. It isn't about money (even if it feels so). It IS about emotional support a vacation can give and whether you can let yourself go on vacation. AND what you think you'll feel like if he passes while you are gone. I believe that life is eternal, but not in this body. I'm OK going on vacation (and hoping I don't have to be in the room again).

Make the decision and pour yourself into knowing the universe has your back. No complaining, just be proud of yourself for following what your insides know is right for YOU! And stick to it - put your heart into moving forward. Tears likely (and should be in my book) either way.
You have my support whatever choice you make and those around need to also. Many prayers.
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MiaMoor May 23, 2025
I agree that the OP needs to do what she thinks is right and is in her's and her daughter's best interests.

Tears are inevitable, but guilt can just do one!
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I think you should go on your Hawaii trip you long planned for a vacation. I would not cancel this planned trip. And turn off your device until you return from your trip. Sorta like Russian Roulette; will your uncle still be alive when you return? That is a risk you decide, but do go on you trip!
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Reply to Patathome01
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Tell him you are going on vacation and since he can’t go with you, you will FaceTime with him everyday at some beautiful places to share the experience with him. Maybe set a certain time so he can look forward to visiting with you online!
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MiaMoor May 23, 2025
No! Don't facetime him every day!

Perhaps, send pictures via email, but Mimi should enjoy the trip with her daughter. This is their time.
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Hi Mimi,

It is your choice, of course. If you do stay to be present for your uncle's death, it would be for you, even more than him. You would go forward knowing you were there to the end. After all you've done, you might want to give that to yourself.

I have a friend who's parent was dying. The mom told her son ( my friend )" no don't come all the way out. I don't want to strain you." So he didn't go to her bedside while she died. I think that she felt she was being a "good mom" to not burden him, but he has always regretted not being there.

It's your choice, depending upon your relationship with your uncle, how YOU would feel.... being there or not, but as much of a hassle as it is to cancel and reschdule a vacation....it can be done, unlike a death.

No matter what you choose, stay compassionate with yourself. There's always the swing between guilt and resentment.

Stay compassionate with yourself.

B
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Patathome01 May 23, 2025
No Guilt gets in the way! She needs to keep her Paid reservation to go to Hawaii. Her uncle may live to see her enjoy it.

How would you handle cancelling an expensive trip for yourself reserved perhaps months in advance??

Please No Guilt, otherwise plan nothing until a beloved family member dies??
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Go on your vacation.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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Just go on your trip and face time him In Hawaii . That will be His Movie .
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Reply to KNance72
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If you go on vacation, you will not enjoy yourself because you will feel guilty. Wait until your uncle has passed away.
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Patathome01 May 23, 2025
We readers have discouraged guilt, for what? Putting her life on hold?? Nope, I disagree with your answer.

She needs her hard-earned vacation. If cancelled at the last minute, she will have to pay a cancellation fee in addition to what was lost for reservations for Hawaii. She travels, and by luck, her uncle may be happy she is having fun.
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Say good bye and have a good trip and don't come back for any reason. There is nothing you can do for him and you can do more for your family after taking a break from everything that you have been doing. You can't put your life on hold for ever. My partner's mother was on death's door at least 3 or 4 times where they thought (well she told us) that they only gave her a week. We went back once and by the time we got back she was ok. She lived for another 2 years and outlived my partner who died of lung cancer
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Reply to mikeindc
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☆You're so young having to go through alllll of this & what you've already experienced. I'm an only child, so it's super stressful when everything falls on you.
But, you HAVE to take care of you & whatever that means for you!
*I would probably cancel & go in August like you mentioned you could.
If he weren't passing soon, I would say Yesss, Go.
But, just know, if he passes & you're on vacation... you're going to feel Soooo far away & then, you gotta' Get Home!
You'll have to discontinue your trip, spend money to return early & you will not have been able to fully enjoy your vacation.

August is only a couple of months away. It'll be a nice getaway once this is over, you have the services behind you, no anxiety on worrying yourself about if your loved one is going to pass while you're gone & you can get some relief & relaxation.
Because if you go now... you're going to be pretty nervous & anxious & I personally wouldn't want to be on vacation in that state of mind!
But, whatever you decide, that is the perfect choice for YOU!;-)
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MiaMoor May 23, 2025
I would have said this, too. Except, the OP's uncle is refusing treatment that means he will die, but he isn't actively dying right now.
It's just as likely that her uncle will still be here in August, but much weaker. It would be harder for her to leave him, then, and I think the guilt would be worse.

I know there is no need for guilt, but our brains don't always differentiate between what is real and what is purely emotional.
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Tell your uncle goodbye when you leave and don't video call or chat or text anyone in the family until you return. You and your husband need this time away and it will not help anyone, not even you if you are in contact during your vacation. Please allow yourself some time with your husband and don't even talk about death or suffering on your trip. I think part of this is that you feel like you are needed by the family and have no right to decide how and when you are needed. I would advise you to get counseling when you get back from the trip. I hope it is a wonderful time for you as a couple and very memorable.
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Reply to JustAnon
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My father passed away last July, 4 weeks before my husband and I had a trip to Ireland planned. My family insisted we still go and what i did was, at the end of every day, I sent an email to my mom with 4-5 pictures and a brief note about what we did that day. It was a way to stay in touch that didn't overwhelm me. When we got home, I found out that everyone really enjoyed following our trip progress and pictures.
Don't call, send Day 1, Day 2 ...emails instead.
All the other advice is spot on, go, enjoy, stay in touch with the emails. God bless you.
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Please do not video call uncle every day on your vacation either. That will give you a stomach ache every day waiting to make The Call, especially with a big time difference. Just go on vacation and allow yourself time with your own immediate family to relax and spend quality time together without obligations weighing you down. We are all terminal, my friend, never knowing when our number is up. Meaning time is as precious for you as it is for your uncle. Enjoy yourself without worry, you've already given enough of yourself and your time to others. It's your turn now.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Go on the trip. I’m telling you this as much for me, as for you. Staying and canceling your plans won’t change anything. Make sure the hospital or hospice has the name and contact for the funeral home and what his wishes are in terms of preparation of remains. It can all be held for a week or so. You have already done all the hard work. He knows you care. You can deal with the details when you get back. Call him from Hawaii. Bring him back some sand from your favorite beach. It can go with him. You have been through a lot. You and your family need this respite. To heal and enjoy life again. Please, take it. No regrets. Much love.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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Thank you all for your input, it helped me feel more at peace with my decision. And, there's been a significant improvement in his condition in the last 24 hours. It's still a terminal condition, but much less grave and imminent than we thought. I think chances that he makes it until we get home are looking much more positive now. But I've made my decision and told my aunt, and need to tell him next (it's been a rollercoaster, so I'll wait till tomorrow with him).
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KNance72 May 22, 2025
Enjoy yourself you deserve a break . Hawaii is. healing place .
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What a lovely time you have had with your uncle! He sounds like a lovely man and you have been a lovely niece.

Whatever happens from now on, nothing will change that. Your relationship is special.

Your uncle has made a difficult decision about his life and how he wants to live it, even though he knows that his decision means leaving you and that it will hurt you. But it's his life, not yours. He felt that he couldn't live with losing his leg.

Similarly, you can't make decisions about your life and how you live it based on what may or may not happen to your uncle. This is a big trip and cancelling it won't just affect you, but your daughter as well.

Go visit your uncle in hospital, perhaps with a tablet or laptop and some films lined up. Talk about those wonderful shared times. He will know that you love him and that you appreciate him, but he will also understand that you have to live your life.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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I think your obligation to be the end-all and be-all for extended family that chose, themselves, not to have family, and not to "create family" of a set of close friends, is something that you have taken on yourself. And it is very limiting. And perhaps quite endless if you will extend this out.

I would discuss this with Uncle. I would say "Uncle, we have a vacation coming up which was long ago pre-planned and not refundable. I hate at this time to leave you; can you reassure me you will have support to muster through a few weeks without me? We really NEED this vacation".
I am hoping he is a big enough/good enough man to reassure you and send you on your way. Vacations don't mean that someone left behind will not die, expectedly or unexpectedly. And in fact I have friends who had their partner on vacation die on them in another country. Things aren't predictable. Life doesn't stop for "what ifs".

My advice is to go on that vacation. You have had your life together enjoying films. Something that enriched the lives of you both. You are on different journeys now, moving in opposite directions. You will be there when you can. And you deserve a life when you cannot.
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I went to Hawaii with my job some years ago. My brother called me a couple of days before I was set the fly out and told me about my aunt who had a heart attack. Since the trip was already paid for by my job, I went anyway. My father didn't tell me my aunt had passed until I called him. I shouldn't have called because I didn't enjoy the trip that much after that. I think dad knew that since he knew my reaction.

What I learned is that it's not a thing we can do about people dying or becoming ill, and sacrificing time and our lives isn't going to change things or the outcome.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Did you have the conversation with him yet? Are you more concerned about your uncle or your aunt and her "opinion" of your going? Children, even adult children are not meant to fill adult emotional needs. It's time for that role to end for you I think. You've been a wonderful niece. I would hope he would say go and enjoy yourself, you deserve it, I love you.


Your staying won't change the situation. Life is meant to be lived. I think you should live it.

Editing to add, I don't have any children. I'm close with my niece and nephews. I would NEVER begrudge them their lives. If I were ill and they had something like this planned.... I'd say Go... Enjoy.... Live. Sounds like he enjoyed the living. You deserve this respite with your family.
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Mimi423 May 18, 2025
Thank you. I'm concerned about both of their reactions.
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This all depends on if you are going to enjoy the trip, and how you will handle it if he does die while you’re away.

You said you had an option at the end of summer. Sounds best to take that.

And also, why is maid not an option given that he will die from gangrene-associated sepsis? If not maid, why is hospice not an option to at least give him ample morphine and Ativan?
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Mimi423 May 17, 2025
He wants maid, but it's not legal where we live. He basically implied he'd take matters into his own hands, but with there being no chance of him being sent home because of his condition, there's far less chance he could successfully do that. And yes he's going to in patient hospice, I hit the character limit so that was a detail that didn't feel necessary. He'll be in a medical facility with ample pain management until he passes, either way.
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Please go on the trip and make every effort to fully enjoy it. I’ve also experienced some tough losses and learned through it that being there for the end of life is far less important than often thought. What counts is the time you’ve already invested, how you’ve made your uncle feel supported and loved, and the fact that he knows your care. Actually dying is, from what I saw, a solo journey and the being present for the last moments very overrated. Go on the trip, breathe the fresh air, see the beauty, and heal. Come back with clear knowledge you’ve done your best and no one can ask for more. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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No, don’t cancel. Video calling is a great way to stay in touch, and you deserve a break. Also if he passes, no need to come back immediately. Keep to your schedule. Let others manage the details. If he’s gone, he won’t know where you are! Funerals can be postponed for quite a while. For instance, my dad’s was postponed for two weeks because my mom was in the hospital.

Surely your uncle, since he loves you, would want you to have a respite from so much tragedy. Go.
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Mimi423 May 17, 2025
Thank you. In my family it's actually become tradition to not have a funeral, and postpone a celebration of life for several months to a year, to give everyone time to go through the immediate heavy grief. So I'm not concerned about that part at all.
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