How do you get over the trauma of watching someone when they die?

You're still watching the clock lol! I'm tellin you you have to quit counting the hours and chasing sleep :) good that you did something else awhile tho

I really don't think that you every get over watching someone die. I to have experience this I was 10 years old when my mother died of a brain tumor. I don't really remember a lot but I know that she was crying as myself my father and my older sister were standing at the foot of her bed she was looking at us wish us all the best and not wanting to leave us because she knew that it really was not something that she wanted to do. But for whatever reason god said that it was her time to go and I do think that it has made me a stronger person in the long run.

Hansolos, last night I didn't take the Ativan but I took a natural remedy called Tranquil Sleep. They are big chewable pills so even if it's just a placebo they are large enough to make a big impression. :) I hardly slept at all, but I rested peacefully for eight hours which I couldn't do before.

This morning the meter man said he missed my dad and even clipped his obituary out of the paper to keep. He lost his mom at 64. He said it takes time but things do get better.

I still get waves of intense loneliness. Thank goodness Coco the neighbor cat came to say hello to me when I took out the garbage last night. I was thinking about going to an evangelical church just because it's close to me until I read that it's linked to a mafia cult in Mexico. One time an acquaintance tried to hook me up with her nephew -- turned out he was a Satanist! It's a scary world out there.

jrtuman, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother at such a young age. It is terrible saying good-bye. I remember when my dad said thank you and blessed everyone, as we stood around his hospital bed. He didn't say it, but I know he didn't want to go and it was hard to face the unknown. He loved life, and even at 86, with all his health problems, he didn't consider himself "old". He was very young at heart and he still looked good for his age. Even his voice was still youthful, except he couldn't sing too well anymore. On the day he died the nurses still remarked on how handsome he was. Placing him in Comfort Care was so difficult, because I thought he would be able to recover as he had from other crises. My only consolation is that his suffering is over. The gradual decline of his strength was hard for him to accept.

I take comfort in a scene from the film "Ulysses" (1954) where the goddess Circe offers Ulysses (Kirk Douglas) immortality, "the greatest gift that has ever been offered to a man." He thinks it over and replies, "No, there are greater gifts. To be born and to die, and in between to live like a man." Circe retorts, "To live like a man? Filled with petty fears?" Ulysses replies, "Only the fearful can know the value of courage." Circe: "And old age? That poor flesh will rot one day. And in the end nothing but death. This is the terrible heritage of man." Ulysses replies: "I accept that inheritance. I no longer see myself falling in battle or in the fury of a storm. It will take much less... a puff of cool air, a sudden chill one night. But even so, this vulnerable mass of fears is there to battle with a god and has not yet been defeated. If it should be that one day men will speak of me, I hope they will say with pride that I was one of them."

That's the humanist approach to death, but Christians have the promise of immortality and we don't have to be a hero to get it. "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?" (1 Corinthians 15:55). "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:4).

cbradp, DON'T listen to hubby on this one. Yes, get yourself some grief counseling. There is no statute of limiations on the pain of losing a child, and hubby is coping his way but you are probably a lot healthier by letting yourself feel what you feel.

Parysia - I agree to take care with meds, everyone's mileage may vary. Benzos don;t give you quite the ideal kind of sleep and may even interefere with the real emotional work of grieving. On the other hand, going without sleep is no good either. I'd say just try a Benadryl (diphenhydramine) unless you knwo you react badly to that sort of thing, and get into a grief support group too. I bet you would love to read Atul Gawandes "On Being Mortal" since you appreciate (and provide) such eloquence.

Thank you very much, vstefans, for your recommendations. I first tried Benadryl for insomnia in 1998 when my great uncle died. No over the counter remedies that I tried back then worked for me. That's when I first started Ambien. I weaned myself off of it but then needed it again a couple of times more through the years. I'm afraid that the underlying grief causing my insomnia won't be resolved until I can accept and adjust to my father's death which could take months or years. From what I've been reading online, I probably need Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Parysia, I think if you were to find the right fit (the right age, ect.) with a therapist who does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and meet with them regularly that you would make a lot of progress.

From what you have shared, you've been through two major loses in your life recently with your mom dying in October and your dad dying two days after Christmas.

I think there are several levels of grief going on right now and that is probably the reason that it is so difficult to sleep. Here is a list of the several levels that I see.

1. You are still grieving the loss of your mom.

2. You are very fresh and raw in the grief over the loss of your dad with whom you were very close.

3. You are grieving the loss of a life that you have been very use to for 55 years. Your house was filled with your mom and you were very close to him, but now it is just you in the house and I think you are grieving the loss of how that life was and how much the way that life was meant to you which is fine, that's normal.

4. Your role in life has suddenly changed from being your dad's caregiver to being your dad's adult daughter who is free for the first time in your life and that role of being your dad's caregiver gave your life a lot of meaning. I think you are grieving the lost of that role and the sense of meaning that it gave to you which is understandable.

Well, I may be wrong, but from reading over your participation in this thread, I think these are the 4 levels that you are grieving on.

Then on top of that, I hear a lot of anxiety about living life alone on your own and having to get a job soon. Your Cognitive Behavioral therapist can help you deal with your anxiety as well.

Put all of what you are dealing with emotionally together and you have a recipe for no or little sleep.

My suggestion is that on Monday morning search online for the names and phone numbers of therapists where you live, make some phone calls, tell the receptionist that you are in a crisis emotionally over the death of your dad and cannot sleep, ask whatever questions you need to ask the receptionist about the age, how soon they would be available to see you, their approach to therapy, plus whatever other questions that you have. Then by that afternoon make a decision about who to make an initial appointment with and make that call to make that appointment and keep your appointment. Hopefully, you will find someone who had the best answers to your questions who can also meet with you very soon and I mean soon!

I wish you the best in dealing with all of these levels of grief and the anxiety in your life right now. Things will improve. There are a lot of ups and downs in the grief process, but I seriously think with all you have going on right now that as you wrote Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the way to go for you to be able to successfully deal with the emotional maze of grief on so many levels.

Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply. You have analyzed my situation very well. There's one more demon to add to the mix -- menopause. :) My romantic illusions used to sustain me through anything. For the first time I am free to follow my heart, but I have no passion for anything anymore. I'm still waiting for post-menopausal zest to kick in, but grief has side-lined it indefinitely. Even fixing up my house has lost its appeal, because I have no one with whom to share my home and less resources with which to do it. I have been carefully studying reviews of psychologists on Yelp and other sites for weeks now. The only
one who appeals to me is a Harvard-educated psychologist on the other side of town. But he's quite old and I don't feel comfortable discussing death issues with someone facing his own mortality. I don't want to depress him. On the other hand, the therapist/social worker I'm seeing now is too young to understand my midlife crisis. She has never grieved the loss of a parent, though she has
lost a close friend.

I'm also dealing with guilt, because I used to complain to my dad about my problems -- everything from treacherous relatives to crooked contractors. I should have just been happy that my father was alive. I also used to complain that I wish we had something fun to look forward to, besides movies, music and meals at home. He said, "Is fun so important?" Now I feel guilty about having fun without him, because it isn't so important now that he's gone. I wanted to take him to Las Vegas which I know he would have loved, but he didn't want to leave the house unattended. I've only been to Vegas once, but it was the best vacation I ever had. I won enough on the slots to pay for my trip and my cousins' expenses as well. I feel guilty that I never learned to drive -- our life would have been much happier, but my father discouraged me, because he thought I'd kill someone and lose everything we have. We have a friend who killed someone in a car accident and he has to pay a million dollars in restitution to the victim's family. My father stopped driving when I was a child after he killed a dog which ran in
front of his car from between two parked cars. Plus I grew up hearing car crashes on the freeway below our house.

Then there's the fact that I had an indifferent mother who was not involved in my life. I only saw her occasionally. She was a narcissist who treated my father badly during their brief marriage. So I guess you can throw in an Electra complex. I read that an Electra complex develops in girls when they are between 3 and 6 years. I was five when my parents divorced. It took my mother a lifetime to finally apologize to my dad and admit he was a good man and that she never should have divorced him. This happened days before a stroke robbed her of her speech for the last year of her life. She was a talented pianist and violinist but she never gave me music lessons. Luckily, I inherited the ability to pay the piano by ear from my father. Still, I loved and admired my mother. I mourn all the things we didn't get to enjoy as mother and daughter. I could go on, but you get the picture. I should go to bed but I'm afraid I'm not going to sleep unless I take an Ativan. Someone told me I should take Valium to ease withdrawal from the Ambien, but I saw the movie, "I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can". Thank you again for your good counsel.

You are welcome! I I hope you got to sleep.

You definitely have much to unpack, but you will get there. It is so difficult to grow up with a narcissistic parent and understandable why you would become very close with your dad. All of that can be worked through in time at your pace.

If the older therapist is at peace with his own mortality, then he would be ok with discussing issues related to death. Even if not, he's a professional who is to deal with such unresolved issues in other ways so that they don't interfere with his practice.

The younger therapist would empathize as a fellow human being, but would tend to be a bit more academic about it until they have more experience in doing therapy with people who have lost a loved one. Frankly, with all you are carrying, I think you would gain the most by working with an older, more experienced therapist like either the man you mentioned or someone else.

In my own experience with therapists since 2002, I found the first one was younger. She was full of a lot of energy, she was easy to talk with, obviously cared, but she loved to give me a lot of handouts which made me feel was coming from a lack of counseling experience. She also talked a lot about her little girl and I was not surprised to learn when I saw her in Wal-Mart with her husband once that she was no longer doing counseling, but was focusing on her family. Now, don't take me wrong, she was very helpful with some boundary issues that I was dealing with at the time, but she let me know that she could tell that I had some issues with my mother that she knew I would have to deal with one day and hoped that when that day came that I might find it possible to forgive her. That I didn't need to hear at the time. She had her hands full trying to start her own group of therapists working together and do therapy. After unloading her insight on me, she then informs me that she was going to refer me back to the group she left to a colleague of her's in the practice. Her own counseling practice changed locations several times before closing. My wife had gone to see one of the counselors who worked in that practice before it failed.

It was a few years later and two more therapists before my current one. The person I was referred to was a more mature woman who was great, no handouts, but plenty of practical advice, but she had to leave town after about a year to go take care of her elderly parents and continue her practice up there. I don't know why she picked the next person I saw in that practice, but while she had already raised her children and they were out of college, she was the most unsure of herself counselor that I had met. She basically told me that she felt overwhelmed by what I was bringing her and recommended the middle aged man that I'm seeing now. I've discussed things more in depth with him, resolved several things, and I've met with him for close to 10 years.

Again, I wish you well and hope you will keep in touch with us about your progress. However, I will emphasize that a face to face therapist will help you far more in person that what can be done online. I am glad you found this place. I am glad that you are going to take good care of yourself and one way that you are doing that is finding a therapist that is the right fit for you who can guide you along and give you support. I hope you will keep in touch and come here to vent as much as you want to and need to.

Thank you for your good wishes, cmagnum, and for sharing your experience. I wasn't able to sleep again last night, so I took 5 mg Ambien out of desperation. I prefer it, because it doesn't leave me feeling as groggy as Ativan. I only have two doses of Ambien left, because doctors won't prescribe it for me anymore. I had to take something that would let me sleep.

I can understand how difficult it is to find a therapist who is a good fit. They are human, after all, and carry their own baggage, even if it's well concealed. I've never been one to believe much in therapy, because it didn't do my mother any good. But now that I'm suffering I have to try different solutions. What I need to do is focus on all the good things I did for my dad. God knows I treated him better than most of the people I know treated their dads. Of course, I had more time to devote to him since I wasn't working. One aunt by marriage placed her very functional elderly mother in a retirement home, because her care interfered with her world travels. I can't understand that because I grew up in a multi-generational household. Some of my cousins only visited their father on Father's Day, his birthday and Christmas. They had cars with which they could have taken him out and shown him a little fun, but they were too busy having their own fun. Meanwhile, their poor father was stuck at home with a mean wife. He spent many hours at our house to get away from her and sometimes he'd take his stress out on me. My uncle lived a block away in those days. Three of their four kids stopped talking to their mother, so they would come over to our house to visit their dad. In spite of having a wife from hell, he outlived her and died at the age of 91 in hospice. My father and I visited him in the hospice and afterward he told me, whatever you do, don't put me in that death house. This is what made it extra traumatic for me to let the hospital put my father into Comfort Care.

My uncle ate bacon and eggs every day and still made it past 90! He also smoked. He eventually died of C. dificiles, not his heart condition. My great uncle whom I cared for after his stroke, smoked most of his life, and he also made it to 90. This is why I thought my dad, who didn't smoke, still had some time left, but the difference is that his older brother had a heart operation in his 70's, early enough where he had the strength to recover. We didn't even know my dad had serious heart disease, other than high blood pressure, until he was in his 80's. His ability to walk up these steep hills and pass treadmill stress tests with flying colors had masked his illness.

My cousin told me he feels guilty that he didn't see his dad more often, but now he focuses on the good memories. Some people are less susceptible to guilt than others. I have had a guilt complex most of my life. I think it comes from being rejected by my own mother at a young age. That did a number on my self esteem. I was a very obedient child, probably because I didn't want anybody else abandoning me. Whereas my cousin with the mean mother was doted upon by his mom, so his experience was different from mine. He ended up rejecting her over a dispute about money, and then she disowned him when he tried to make peace years later. This same cousin also rejected me in a dispute about money, just because I told him I didn't appreciate his snarky attitude, so now I can understand his late mother's point of view. He wanted me to sell a piece of my property to him for $30,000 below market value just because he's my cousin. I told him he wouldn't give me $30,000 of his pension to me just because I'm his cousin. The money from that sale is what has been helping me fix up my house. Now I need it to live on until I can find a job. After not talking to me for over a year, my cousin now wants to make peace with me, and I am considering it, but my trust in him will never be the same as it was before. I know he still resents me because he still won't call me -- he only contacts me by email. I believe more than anything that I need to make new friends but at my age and with all my baggage it's not going to be easy. The only thing going for me is that I'm a naturally cheerful person, believe it or not. It doesn't take much to make me laugh -- I just haven't had much to smile about lately. I love that opening line from "Scaramouche" -- "He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad."

Just quoting that line from Scaramouche made me sad, because it reminded me of the silent movie Scaramouche with Ramon Novarro which my dad and I loved. I just heard from my friend in Europe -- he said after his parents died years ago, he still can't play the piano anymore because it reminds him of his parents who were professional musicians -- it makes him too sad. He has the same problem as me -- he's living alone in a house filled with memories of his lost loved ones. The idea of not being able to enjoy music and movies the same way I did before is very depressing. These things used to be my refuge from all the sadness in my life. They also helped my father cope with his worries.

A couple thoughts - Parysia, you wrote "I know he still resents me because he still won't call me -- he only contacts me by email" but honestly - e-mail can be so much safer, because you can stop and think about what you write before you hit send, rather than risk a blow-up or misunderstanding because of tone of voice or just getting upset in the course of the conversation which is bound to be emotional. I'd absolutely let him go with e-mail if he is more comfortable that way. Once you have "talked" out some things that way then get together maybe better in person than by phone even, somewhere there are things to talk about other than the really tough stuff if any of that still needs it, like the good coffee or a movie or something.

And, you need a bunch more time...don't think you will stay unable to enjoy anything...emptiness and anhedonia almost like depression are par for the course early on. The only blessing compared to depression is at least you know WHY. For some people memories become sweeter, and not to judge your friend who can't play anymore, but the sadness needs to be faced and felt, instead of avoided to allow that to happen. I'm guessing that's why the docs don't want to just keep giving you sleeping pills. How many great big hairy crying jags have you allowed yourself to have so far?

That's just it -- I want to cry my eyes out and can't. I do cry in short bursts but then it ends too soon. I cried over the phone to one cousin the other day and she told me to let it all out, but my sobs ended too soon. She told me you're probably too exhausted to cry much from your lack of sleep. I don't know -- maybe the sleeping pills are blunting my ability to cry. The reason I'm baring my soul in this forum is because I can't vent my sorrow adequately with tears. I cried deeply for my grandmother and my great uncle who lived with me, but I was younger and healthier then. And yet, I wasn't as close to them as my father -- I should be crying constantly. I'd love to cry myself to sleep but can't.

Parysia, at least you're crying! Some people never do! I think you have great insights into yourself, I think you will be okay, I honestly do. I'm glad they won't give you any more sleeping pills, because eventually you will hit a wall and sleep will come. I also think you're getting great advice here, some of these people really know what they're talking about! Don't give up you're romantic sensibilities, just because you're a little older doesn't mean that part of your life is over, for you it may just be the right time. Grief takes time to get through but it seems you are already on your way with self-examination, some people never ever do that at all. Remember you can't change the past, so work on the future. One of my grandmas didn't drive until she was over 50, then she decided she wanted to take me and my cousin places and learned how to drive and got her licence, she wasn't a great driver but we had fun getting lost in our town! There was no real reason she HAD to drive, my grandpa was around, she just felt like it...lol she changed all kinds of stuff, she began to wear pants, and she'd never done that before either, nothing traumatic happend, she just felt like a change :) she wore red lipstick all the time too. I'll never forget, when my son turned 1 she showed up to her great grandsons 1st birthday party in, I kid you not, a leapord wrap dress, heals and stockings....it was tasteful, but a little low cut! Hahahaha I almost died, I was so embarrassed....but now it's one of my most cherished memories! My other grandma almost died...she was your basic mrs Clause type, she was like OMG, look at your other grandma! You can do what you want at any age, you can re-invent yourself. I know you didn't want nor expect things to be as they are right now, but you do have the blessing of some freedom. No one can stop you from learning to drive if you want...lol...it didn't stop my 'crazy' grandma :) I say that with all the love in my heart, lol I called them my grandma grandma and the crazy grandma to their faces, they loved it. There are many avenues to explore. I think the older guy may be a fit for therapy, you looked to your dad so an older male figure may be exactly what you need. So sorry to hear about your mom, that's tough. Lots of my kids friends have had mothers like that, I end up being surrogate moms to all my 'Disney' kids. You, like me, are very empathetic....sometimes to a fault. Just because the therapist is older, you worry about HIM, but his actual JOB is to help his clients. One reason I don't send my SIL to a NH is I feel bad for any roommate she would have, poor sr. Citizen would have to put up with my SIL antics...I can't even imagine...lol an hypothetical roommate at this point...yet I empithize. I think we both may take it a little too far :)

Wow, Hansolos, your family life sounds like a lot of fun! My grandmother and great uncle were quiet, reserved types. They didn't drive either. They were very friendly and super sweet, but life at home was rather sedate. My angelic grandma didn't wear makeup -- just a little lipstick when she went out. Her youngest sister was totally different -- she used to be a flapper in the 1920's. I always felt sorry for my grandmother because she worked so hard raising eight children during the Great Depression. She seemed perpetually stuck in the kitchen but she was the matriarch who kept our extended family together. After her passing, relatives mostly went their own way until one of my cousins started doing annual family reunions. But my poor cousin (the one who is psychic) had so much stress caring for her elderly mother and her husband who got prostate cancer (and recovered) that she developed broken heart syndrome. She has recovered, but we haven't had a family reunion for a couple of years now. My little grandma was a tough act to follow, but her dear heart wore out too.

My father was also the quiet type, but he had a fine sense of humor and was a good sport. Last Halloween, like every year, he put on a scary mask and posed with a jack-o-lantern for photos. This time he had a necklace of spooky lights around his neck. When I was a child, he used to place a big lighted Christmas star that he made himself at the top of a tall cedar tree in the yard. You could see the star from the freeway. I remember being excited and worried that he might fall from the tree as he climbed up so high. In the days before video, my father and I went to movie theaters all over the city, but our favorite movie house showed silent film revivals with live Wurlitzer organ accompaniment.

My half brother gave me a couple of driving lessons when I was in my 20's, but since I couldn't afford a car, I never got my permit. His car back then was a Fiat with a manual transmission. I learned how to drive it, though I've forgotten everything. I think I would have enjoyed learning on an automatic much better. If I can get over my "if only I had learned to drive while my dad was alive" attitude, then anything is possible. My dream car is a Tesla, but I'd have to sell my house to afford one. My SIL drove me to a sandwich shop this afternoon in her Prius. As usual, I thought if only my dad could have enjoyed this warm spring-like day. Actually, this is the first time my SIL ever did anything for me on her own -- my brother is home sick with the flu.

I thought the same thing that the older psychologist might be a father figure for me. I seem to relate better to older gentlemen, because I was around mostly older people growing up. Most of my closest friends have been older men. Unfortunately, they have all passed away. My dad and I were practically clones in terms of our taste in films and music. But that doesn't mean I don't relate to my own generation. I used to watch a lot of MTV when it first started, so I know a lot about music of the 1980's. :)

Well, now I have to try to sleep again. What should be the balm of hurt minds is driving me balmy. :(

Just want to let those who are interested know that I went to a new therapist this afternoon and I like him! (He's not the Harvard-educated psychologist, because I couldn't find him -- forgot to bookmark his review.) I was surprised he was willing to see me immediately. He is a former prison chaplain who is compassionate, nonjudgmental and very intelligent. At age 74, he has a lot of experience. He kind of reminds me of Donald Sutherland. He was also a chaplain at the hospital where JFK was treated in Dallas, so he knows about the failings of the current hospital system. He's going to help me learn to rely on myself, instead of my father for emotional and financial stability. Right now he's just getting acquainted with my story. He takes lots of notes which is good. He thinks I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I see him again on Thursday. I forgot to even ask him if he does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy -- I was just happy he could see me right away. I'll ask him next time. I think he has his own unique approach to therapy which so far seems to agree with me.

Remember my first therapist asked me to do three things for myself? Well, getting a new therapist is one of them. :) Thank you, cmagnum, for giving me the nudge I needed. Do I need to tell the first therapist I got another therapist? If not, then what should I tell her as the reason I don't want any more sessions? I don't want to hurt her feelings. She's a nice person, but not as experienced as my new therapist. I still plan to see her on Wednesday for my last visit.

Another bit of good news is that I slept last night without any sleeping pills, except a natural remedy called Sleep by Nature Made which contains L-theanine, melatonin, chamomile, passionflower, and lemon balm. My sleep was very fractured. I mostly rested, but I must have slept a few hours. I don't remember dreaming, so it's hard to tell. I walked many blocks from my therapist appointment to help tire myself out.

I'm not saying my troubles are over, but there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I have no choice but therapy since I don't have close friends to talk to and my relatives are too far away and very busy. Just getting out of the house and having somewhere to go is therapeutic for me. Thanks to everyone for their moral support! I'm so glad that I found this forum.

Glad to hear your good report and that you are moving forward with your journey. You have taken some big steps in getting going. Probably about all you need to do is to let the receptionist where the first therapist works know that you have found a new therapist. I don't think you need an entire appointment just to accomplish that. The receptionist will probably want to know if you want your record from seeing that therapist sent to your new one which is standard procedure. All you have to do is tell them who the new therapist is and sign a release form and they will send your record to your new therapist.

Keep on and let us know how things are going.

@ parysia Ah, people change therapists all the time, you won't hurt her feelings, it's still a job! Good for you, you found someone relatable to you! Why would you even spend the money for a last visit? Good advise, call and cancel with receptist. You really don't owe an explanation. You care too much of what others think of you. Lol, I used to do that constantly, and I'll share my moms advice, it's harsh, but in my case true, lol I just told my kid this the other day too...it really helped me get perspective, my kid too. " the world does not revolve around you, nobody is looking that close, most people don't even care because they are wrapped up in their own lives. Those that care only to criticise you and judge you are small minded people, people who don't have enough in their own lives, or else they would not have the time to be worrying about looking at you and being critical. Get over yourself, people have better things to do than be watching you, and if their lives are so small they ARE watching you, why in the world would you care what that idiot thinks?" Haha....woke me up! Be nice and respectful but you really don't owe an explanation, she's got other clients, she'll get over it :)

Thanks, cmagnum. Neither therapist has a receptionist. I want to see the first therapist one last time, because she promised to find a grief support group for me. I need all the therapy I can get. Now I wish I had met my new therapist sooner. I would have asked him to visit my dad in the hospital to cheer him up.

Your mom gave you great advice, Hansolos. Thank you for sharing it. My father also used to tell me I care too much about what other people think. His older brother took the concept even further when he told me: "Don't feel sorry for anybody, because they don't feel sorry for you." Sometimes I feel sorry for the whole world -- that's a line from Rain (1932) with Joan Crawford.

Parysia Yup, yup. I still do it from time to time, but I'm much better. :) I think you are really doing great, and taking great steps in the journey you are now on! I have total faith you can and will get through this difficult time. It's impressive how far you've come already. Some people just can't help but stay in one place and not get help

You are very kind, Hansolos. Unfortunately, my insomnia is worse than ever right now. I was so optimistic after finding a new therapist I liked and getting plenty of exercise yesterday that I tried sleeping without any aids at all, not even melatonin. I didn't watch the clock, but I got very little sleep, and felt miserable all day. I may have to take Ativan tonight, because I must have more sleep. A fellow insomnia sufferer told me that when he quit 20 mg Ambien, he slept between one and five hours a night at the most for four very long very hellish months. The sleep deprivation was severe and brutal. He couldn't work or drive a car. He became disoriented and thought about suicide. I was only taking 5 mg Ambien, which is a normal dose, but I think my insomnia is from my grief and anxiety over the loss of my dad more than withdrawal from Ambien, though it could be both. Right now I'm reading the book, Insomniac, by Gayle Greene, hoping to find some answers to this terrible problem. Sorry to be such a downer, but this is what I've been dealing with. Tonight I'm drinking Neuro Sleep, Mellow Mango. It contains melatonin and magnesium. I hope it works. Tastes good.

I slept pretty good after taking an Ativan last night. I can see why they're so addictive. No headache this time. I went to my first therapist and decided to keep seeing her. I cried during the session and this is what I need. I think her youthful feminine perspective makes a nice balance with the second therapist's mature masculine perspective. Ideally, I suppose I should have a mature female therapist, but haven't found one yet. My cousin (the clairvoyant one whom my dad told to take care of me in a dream) called today and told me I'm wasting my money on therapists, because all they can do is listen and she can do that for free. I told her I like talking to people in person. She wants to come over and help me plan my life. I appreciate it but I want to see my therapists, too. Tomorrow I see the second therapist again. He's not perfect, because he called me "screwed up" once during our conversation, but I thought it was acceptable within the context of what he was telling me. My cousin said a therapist is never supposed to say that, because it gives the client the suggestion they ARE screwed up. But I AM screwed up by grief, anxiety and insomnia. He probably talks that way because he's been around a lot of hardcore convicts. My problems must seem rather trivial to him compared to his previous clients. My cousin said the therapists aren't going to cure my insomnia, that what I should do is pray continously until I fall asleep. I do pray, but I've never tried it for hours. It works for her, because she doesn't have insomnia. She also said the therapists aren't going to give me confidence -- it's going to come from within me when my survival instincts kick in. My friend in Cincinnati said I need to see a psychiatrist who can help wean me off the Ativan.

I believe I'd avoid the advice of your "clairvoyant" cousin. She's too close to you as a relative to be an objective listener like a therapist can be. Sometimes it is easier to express feelings and talk about things with an objective third person like a therapist than with a family member.

Do you really think that you need for her to come over and help you plan your life? You are an adult. I think you can plan your own life and this is the first time in your life that you have had the freedom to plan and live your own life.

Did her comments make you feel like she is intruding upon you and trying to control your life? If they did, then that tells you something.

I agree with you about talking with people in person. Therapist do more than listen and usually listen better than the average person. Also, they are trained to deal with situations.

Your male therapist while older and mature is so old that maybe he should already be retired. I can understand your being torn between the youthful female therapist whom you felt more emotionally connected with (which is something that you evidently did not have with your distant mom) and the older male therapist. Do you really think it is a good fit to meet with a therapist that you feel views your problems as trivial. It does sound like he's been around a rough crowd if the majority of people he's done therapy with have been hardcore convicts.

I think your current course is good and I think I'd stick with that and while appreciating input from various others, don't let anyone smoother you or control you in a direction that you are not comfortable with going. I think I would decide on which therapist to go with until you can find a mature female before asking the question about possibly needing a psychiatrist to help wean you off of Ativan. Who put you on Ativan?

Take care and keep in touch. I hope you can sleep some tonight and sleep well.

I really don't know much about therapy, just from psychology classes at school and being present with my son when he was young and getting diagnosed with autism. What does the regular dr say about ambian and Ativan? They do give those medications for a reason. I was thinking about it, and your dads passing is still recent, maybe you should find out what's appropriate from your Dr. rather than go by any of our advice. You are going through more than just your dads passing, it's a whole life change also. Lol, you remind me of myself, I reserch reserch reserch and overanalyse and re-think over & over :) mom told me I have to knock it off because I've been obsessing over my SIL asking everyone questions, and if I'm doing the right thing, pissed off because her family doesn't call, her friend doesn't call. Pissed off because I have no life right now and I'm having trouble concentrating on the two classes I did keep. Haha I'm even getting pissed because everyone keeps telling me how amazing I am and what a gift I'm giving her. I just feel like im being normal and doing what should be done. I didn't sign up for this, I knew she was kinda sick when she moved with us, but I was just opening my door like I would to any family member I could help out. Sometimes it drives me crazy I allowed this to happen.

Time, time and time.
My loving client, S. passed away 10/5/2014. She was someone that I only knew for a short 7 months in this world. Everyday, as I move toward, a different line of work, yet, still in the care field, (I have chosen to work with families, rather than the elderly just for a year to grieve, move over, get better, (I became very ill, due to caregiver burnout), that is not a joke).
But I think about her every day.
The greatest gift she gave me and my husband is in her will, she changed it very abruptly two weeks before her death, and excluded certain people (privacy reasons), and included every person that was in her life the last two years, excluding all of her family.

She was a bear of a woman, yet, all I see now that she has past is the woman that would look at me with love, and just wonder in amazement, how I knew her every minute of every day, and how I knew exactly how she liked things. It wasn't easy.

I got caregiver burnout, and could not find a replacement, and her family had abandoned her and I became sick on 9/5/2014, and am still very sick as of today. Lost 45 lbs. hopefully there is a cure. All I will say to it is, be careful to those of you whom are working, living staying with a loved one, or professionally working around Long Term Care Facilities or Hospitals, which is what I did with her.

Time is what heals it, then I think of her, time heals it some more, then I think of her, time, then one of her daughters calls, and has the nerve to introduce herself to me 5 month's later, and do I have her pots and pans???? Laughter, young people, get out, do something you do not do on a regular basis.

Laugh is really great.
Meet new people
Attend a caregiving group, not a depressing one, and I am not saying that negatively, there are some that are just filled with the oh so sad things, and yes, death is sad, but also, it is a celebration of someone's life. Remember this woman, I only knew for 7 month's and I know more about her in that length of time than any sibling or family member.

She put my husband and I in the will, it is not the amount, it is the ultimate way of saying after her life is over "thank you so much" "you two were the only ones in this world that would have ever done what you did for me" "I know I was probably the most demanding woman in the world" "I know that I only want 3 ice cubes with 4 3/4 inches of water and lukewarm water not cold. I was picky, I was very picky, and I told you "Me" why, right before I died, and it makes sense and closes the loop.

God rest her soul, and time, makes me smile, but for now, I focus on my health, and even with that time will tell. I was just in the hospital for 10 days, and one thing I found out. As a professional caregiver, I am extremely compliant with the hospital staff because s. resisted so much. I learned, lived and loved with her, and she will never be forgotten.

It does get better.

I agree with you, cmagnum, that perhaps the older male therapist is not such a good fit for me after all. I will see him one more time today and then make my decision.

I'm sure my clairvoyant cousin means well, but it's actually another cousin who gave her the idea of coming over and helping me sort through my father's things. Since I hardly ever see the other cousin, I can't help but think they are both curious about things I might toss their way. Two more cousins have offered to help me sort through things, too, and while it's nice to be the center of attention all of a sudden, I'm naturally suspicious.

Having all these cousins descend on my house might be fun, but it's still a bit early for me to part with my father's belongings. It would probably be too stressful for me. The female therapist said I should take my time.

A physician friend gave me the prescriptions for Xanax and Ativan. Doctors hand out benzos like candy these days. I've been too afraid to take the Xanax, but I am grateful to have the Ativan since it helped me sleep when nothing else would, except Ambien for which I've developed a tolerance. Valium is supposed to be the benzo used to taper off from Ambien, because it's longer lasting than Ativan, but it is so highly addictive some doctors won't prescribe it.

My homework from the female therapist has been to find a Primary Care Physician to give me a complete check-up to see if I have any physical problems that might account for my insomnia. I have been looking for a doctor for weeks, but it's hard to decide, because most of them have negative feedback on Yelp. Even if they have a lot of positive reviews, I worry about the person(s) who didn't like them. My father's tragic experience with doctors has done nothing to inspire my confidence in them.

Thank you for your good wishes. I'll let you know how it goes with the male therapist today.

Hansolos, I only saw a doctor at a drop-in clinic who gave me some Ambien and also Seroquel and Celexa I only took the latter two once, because I was afraid they would damage my heart and cause me to gain weight. I don't want to go back to him. I want someone who can order a battery of blood tests -- I'd like to know what my adrenaline and cortisol levels are.

I can understand your being unhappy with your decision to let you SIL move in with you though your motives were altruistic. I may complain about being lonely, but I could have my niece and her boyfriend move in here in a minute, but that doesn't mean they would be a comfort to me. They smoke pot and listen to devil music -- how is that going to calm my nerves? lol The pot might calm me but the music wouldn't. Even two of my hard-rockin' cousins told me that the music my niece's boyfriend "composes" is probably too intense even for Charles Manson.

Lol, parysia, you sound like me and my professors on rate my professor with your doctor hunt! Right now I dispise most dr because all the crap with SIL being at a teaching hospital. Idk about yelp helping because it's an individual experance. I was sick for awhile for a couple of years and they couldn't find why my side hurt, kept doing all these tests and thinking it was stress. Or my gallbladder...it ended up being for the most part a heavy purse I carried and my book bag and muscle spasms. Go figure!