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he is a businessman, still going to office. He tells us all is in place However he has not had to deal with the intricacies of aging in a health care system for most of his 60's 70's and 80's until not at 88. My Mom is 86 with dementia alzheimer's type and they still live in their home with 2 12 hour shift aides for my Mom. My Dad is stubborn with a big S and I am stuck.

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My father died at 83. He did have it all covered, but never ever discussed it with us. All I had to do was sell his car. Now if your Dad dies before Mom, you need a plan in place to get her to a Nursing Home. So look at what is available now. Go on tours and ask a lot of questions.
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I assume you've approaced the subjects with no luck. If your dad still is mentally competent you got to try and reason with him. Try the guilt angle: "dad, what is going to happen to mom when you gone? Do you want her to become a ward of the state? And remind him of the horrible position you're in if he doesn't help you. Does he understand the hardships this will cause for you. My mother was responsive to discussing assited living after I guilt tripped her a little bit as to how it would ruin my life if I had to give up everything and care for herand dad. Is there someone else he'll listen to? Lawyer, minister, friend. Try and make it happen.. Things will be very difficult down the road.
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Just last year I broached the subject with my Dad about updating their Will, directives, POA's, etc. and it wasn't easy.

My Dad is only a few years older than your Dad. Dad thought he had all his ducks in a row, until I read his current Will and that's when I got a chill down my spine because of the way it was written.

I told Dad there is a new law specialty called Elder Law and that one needs to update their Wills using new verbage, etc. I also told Dad if he has everything in a Trust, then we would need to pay less probate taxes... and that perked up his ears. So finally we are in the process of updating everything... whew... well, not whew yet, I still need to get my parents to their new Elder Law attorney to get everything signed once the paperwork is ready.

Hope you can light a fire under your Dad.
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