VA psychiatric care and mandatory reporting of domestic violence. Was this violence? - AgingCare.com

VA psychiatric care and mandatory reporting of domestic violence. Was this violence?

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My partner has a VA psychiatrist and a psychological counselor. He did domestic violence Friday, Feb 20. I would like to inform his shrink and his counselor, but not at the risk of some mandatory reporting rule. Does anyone know what the VA might report or do?

His shrink is at a VA hospital. His counselor is with a local counseling firm, which the VA paid for a while; it may now be paid by Medicare.

A quick Google says my state, Washington state, does not have any mandatory reporting laws; dunno about county, but I can find that out.

Okay, that's the facts. Please no one be upset. No damage, and I moved out that day. We have been together 50 years, so I'm sure we will weather this. I'm focused on immediate practical things: getting his psych people involved, will he get to appointments safely with me unwilling to drive him, etc.

Now, also, am I right to describe this incident as violence? I was inside his motorhome, cooking; he was outside. Through the window I snapped at him. A few minutes later he came in, grabbed my arms, shouted "Don't say anything!", walked/pushed me away from the exit and back to the bedroom. I struggled and got loose, got my purse and my computer, and walked out.

I was scared because on a previous incident years ago, he had picked me up, shaken me, delivered some blows, and threw me down on the bed. And a few minutes later had come back and done it again. Also during that period, he would come in while I was in bed, pull me out, give blows that left black eyes and bruises.

I think his version of Friday will be that it was not violence, either it didn't happen at all, or it was 'gentle restraint' that I'm exaggerating.

My own trailer has been parked about 100' feet from his; I had drifted into spending full time in his, helping with his medical problems. It has been very satisfying moving back into my own trailer, getting utilities etc going again, clean out junk, etc. I do see what they mean about "Take care of yourself". Very good dinner, warm bed, etc. It's when I go out in the cold before a meal, that I start wishing to go back up to his motorhome and pretend nothing had happened.

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So far our doctor says neither of us has dementia, though I think memory and hearing problems are involved for both of us. He has VA medical care, and the VA is very generous with tests and scans and such. All I have is Medicare. In December I told my doctor I was worried about memory etc. He started a list of questions: what year is this, etc. He looked seriously shocked when I told him the President is Jed Bart-b-b-what's-his-name. ;-) Then he asked who controls the Senate; I said "You mean now or after January?" He looked relieved, and recommended a supplement.

Cttoi, H's behavior last week was like when he got the wrong kind of Bupropion (God bless Carol for explaining about that!). He said he'd taken his meds, and later I checked and the right kind were in the following days' compartments, so that was probably ok. The violence was Friday after a Sleep Study Wed night-Thurs morning. At breakfast at the hospital he had seemed the same way: arbitrary, resentful, uncommunicative (that day too he said he had taken his meds).

I wonder if Sleep Studies sometimes have a weird effect? Their preliminary reading said no sleep apnea.
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Looking at your profile he has many medical problems. Probably wise to have some testing done to determine if he is developing dementia. You may want to have yourself evaluated as well.
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Thanks to everyone. I did call his therapist; he said he was not under a mandatory reporting rule but did report if he thought there was danger of harm. I hope I convinced him not to! I decided not to tell his shrink. With H's health, even getting taken in for questioning etc, much less jail time, would be dangerous (brittle diabetic, CHF)

Anyway, while H was at his therapy appointment today, I got most of my stuff out of his motorhome. Now to clean out my trailer to make space to put it! It was time to come back to my trailer anyway, we were both having cabin fever being stuck together in the motorhome, and I'm a cluttery packrat, so areas were bulding up as random piles of my stuff., which was probably stressing him. I had been meaning to uncllutter anyway, now that we have got over our winter colds and the weather is nice. Actually that is what started our quarrel: he had written an email asking me to clean out an area, and I didn't see the email. So he probably thought I was ignoring him. He got sharp and imperative about something else -- ex-military barking orders -- and I snapped back, and boom!
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I am not saying he is innocent, far from it. But if she has been with him for 50 years, do you really think she will walk away and stay away?
I have known couples like this. What I don't understand is why they keep going back to one another.
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It is crucial to see that the abuser is the one with the problem, who needs to face the problem, get psychiatric help and really work to change (VERY hard to do). It is simply not the victim's fault although all to often they think it is and if they changed this or that in their behavior the problem would be solved. NOT SO. The abuser is the problem, has the problem, needs to deal with their problem. The victim needs to get and stay out of range for their own safety. Generally victim greatly underestimates the danger they are in.
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Oh, and Pam that was an ignorant answer. Just because she snapped at him doesn't give him ANY right to abuse her. Triggers are not an excuse for violence.

Angel
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One more thing, you cannot medicate or treat someone for being an abuser and expect it to change. Only in VERY RARE cases will anything get better, and even then there is no guarantee. It will not work.

Angel
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It is domestic violence. It is not acceptable. You forgave years ago a much more serious incident, but it will ALWAYS happen again. What about next time? Next time he could do serious damage to you...or kill you. You need to get away, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Take it from someone who was in a similar situation.

Angel
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Flora; someone who can be triggered by "anything or nothing" is dangerous to be around. Get yourself a therapist so that you can get yourself out of this situation.
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Pam, I wish it were that simple. He can be triggered by anything or nothing.
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