My Father moved in and is taking over my life. I feel terribly guilty when I don't entertain him, what can I do?

If he still drives-Find him a friend -male or female to ride with him . Get him a pet.

It's a challenging situation but you can do it. It's so important to take care of yourself, physically and mentally.

My in-laws moved in with us 2 years ago and I quit my job to be the stay at home caregiver.

The local senior center is a great resource. You can try dropping your dad off once week for classes or just to get out of the house and if nothing else, he can complain to the other seniors about you.

Also, check with his doctors to see what his health is like and what his medications are.

I agree with the other posts that your dad should have some source of income to take care of his financial needs. Have a honest conversation about finances and what bills each person is responsible for.

Good luck and remember to you have to take care of yourself first.

I can relate to you Goldilocks as we are in a very similar situation with my Father-in-law with our savings nearly gone or will be by years end. My work hours were cut and looking for more employment, with my husband as full time caregiver for his dad and our little girl. I carry most of the load for our child, he his dad.

We have not succeeded in getting him to attend any senior activities. He is 82 with a birthday next week. He just always looks pitiful. Home health has been a god send for us, and they have encouraged him as well to do things, but he hasn't. I wonder if it is harder for men. We also wonder if he would have been happier in NJ, as we moved him here last year to LA.

My husband knows that he needs to go back to work as well and we are worried what to do with his dad. Will we be able to find a sitter? My mom will watch our little girl if we both go back to work for a while thankfully.

You hang in there, I agree with others here. This is an awesome thread for me too, knowing we are not alone. I worry now that my husband and I will not be able to retire.

Role reversal is so tough!
As the cycle of life goes, your Dad will get more and more dependent on you and lay on the guilt stronger and stronger if you allow it. (we can only be a door mat if WE choose to lie down next to their door!)
Think back to basic parenting skills. Kids will pretty much try anything to get what they want from their parents, whether it is in the best interest of the family unit or not. YOU are the "adult" now, and what YOU says goes. As mentioned in previous answers, congratulate yourself on what you HAVE done and get help for yourself on how to be strong to take best care of yourself. The situation will only get worse and worse the older he gets. The "rules" need to be laid down NOW. Trust everyone here on this site. "Been there, done that" can be a huge help for those just entering the years of "helping" an older parent. Notice the word "helping"! The words, live in maid, live in entertainer, live in CNA, taxi driver, etc. are not included in "helping". Do you have other siblings? The work needed to care for Dad now, needs to be divided so that you are not the only one getting burnt out. If you are "done" in the next year or two, where does that leave Dad?
I am not sure if this is a good idea or not: (I hope others will weigh in..)
Print out this post to your Dad and let him know you are the one who wrote in for advice. Use this as a conversation starter on better communication between the two of you. What does the group think? Is this a silly idea?
Kate
ps. For those who have been following my particular situation with my 2 older brothers, Mom has chosen not to speak or see them for close to 2 years now. Very pathetic situation. She has been in rehab for over a month now with pancreantitis (sp?), gall stone problems, etc. and they don't even know. (her choice) Thank you for everyone's support!!

Wow! I feel your pain. My mom moved to be near us almost 4 years ago. I have been fortunate to find caregivers that help with her and she still lives alone. However, her dementia is rapidly progressing and I am looking at moving her into a memory care facility now. But thats another story. Mom (and most other seniors, I am told)has become egocentric and self centered, like a spoiled 4 year old. Although she has 3 caregivers who rotate and take care of her, bring her out DAILY, etc she still always wants ME to entertain her. She also has refused to do activities such as senior center, church, etc, saying she is just not social, yet complains of being so bored and lonely ( not true, as she goes out every day with her caregivers or me). She is not anti-social, just spoiled and wants one-on-one attention constantly. I am truly amazed at how self-centered she has become. I have had to put up huge boundaries so that I can be there for MY family and part time job. I have reminded mom that she did not leave me or my dad or brother to run off and care for her parents 24/7 and I don't intend to do the same. I have struggled greatly with guilt but am learning not to. I have done the best I can for 4 years with NO help from my brother...I can make sure Mom is safe and healthy but it is not my job to keep her entertained all the time and I have learned to recognize and sidestep her manipulative behavior. The bottom line in BOUNDARIES for everyone's health and happiness. They have lived their lives and its not fair for us to give up ours due to worry, guilt, stress, etc when their demands are unreasonable.

Goldilocks, you've done more than most people could already. Considering the medical issues that your dad has had, I'm amazed that he wants to do anything at all.
I agree that if you went to the senior center with him a few times and helped him make friends, that could be of some benefit. But you need to be up front with him and tell him that you can't sacrifice financially or you will all be in trouble - including him. Let him know that this is about loving him and the rest of your family. He needs to find some activities that he can do without you if he wants a social life.

You might want to go online to www.aging.gov and find CA under state services. See what links look useful for you and explore them. You may come up with some good ideas and/or some services that your dad qualifies for when you go back to work.

Most of all, ban guilt! You have done so much and will continue to do everything that you can - if you take care of yourself. Otherwise, you won't be much help for your dad or anyone.
Carol

Goldilocks,

Good for you for writing in here to get some support. So many people are in your shoes.

You have already done soooooooo much! Congratulate yourself! And keep congratulating yourself every day.

Go back to work. You cannot afford to neglect your family's well being.

Your dad will have to adjust. We all are capable of adjusting. If he gets lonely enough, he may go to the senior center. Or not. We cannot say. Old habits are hard to break. My mom has now been in two ALs and no matter where she is, she will only play bridge. Nothing else. She will not join in the activities, parties, exercise, excursions, nothing. It is very frustrating for the staff. (My mom also would prefer that I come every day and entertain her--like the cruise director, I liked that. I do go every day when I am in PA but we spend half our time in NC, just as my mom spent half her time in Florida at my age.)

So, as I was saying, if it is frustrating for a professional staff that my mom won't join in, why should you blame yourself for the same situation. As many say, it is what it is. For you and your dad. He must adjust, just as you have adjusted--and all will continue to adjust as the changes keep coming.

Big hug and good luck.

I feel it’s the duty of an adult child to use his or her life to assist an aging parent. It is NOT the duty of an adult child to FORFEIT his or her life to assist a parent.

Is there some reason he has to continue to live with you now that his medical issues are behind him? He needs to be in an environment where he can socialize. That would help him become less dependent.
As another said, you need to level with him.... he had his chance in life to earn a living , now you need to do the same. You will need to keep working to pay into social security and put away for retirement and support your daily needs.
The best mantra given to me to help me when I feel any guilt is "I am responsible to, not for my dad". You have been responsible to so far. Take of the need to be responsible for his social life and happiness. That is not your role. You can let this suck you dry if you let it. Your sentence tells me you don't feel you have a right to your own life, but that he has a right to it. Boundaries are hard to set at times, but you will feel better if you do.
By the way, his SSI should be going towards your income.
Perhaps if you leveled with him and said "on this day, you and I can do something" but only then. You've set your boundary and yet you are still going someplace with him once a week. It's up to him to figure out the rest. You must get back to work.

We finally found a 'bridge' group at the local seniors center for my mother in law. I drop her off at noon and pick her up at 4pm... 4 hours of work (minus the drive time)... and they only charge fifty cents to play. When she wins? She gets tickets to play another day for free! The Senior center can be a terrific place for social elders.

freqflyer, you're right on with the money aspect. For the most part, I don't pay for things. With the trash of very expensive treats recently, I've had to cover a few expenses but am getting paid back over the next couple months. He has been like you're dad though and has wanted me to just be here for him - a chauffer, cook, maid. And thanks for the tip on checking with the senior corner on planned fishing trips. That might work!

Thank you Mincemeat. I think I need to be reminded that it's OK to put my family first. If I don't, I know I will be a burden on my children. Guilt is a powerful thing.
And thank you for the suggestion of going with him to the senior center luncheon. I got him info on it but maybe if I take him. . .

What ever you do, do NOT use any of your own money to pay for anything your Dad needs. At 78 he is getting Social Security and any other type of pension fund or had savings. Otherwise you will find yourself with very little money when it comes time to retire.

I know it is hard, as our parents want us to be Julie McCoy, your cruise director, but not all of us can do that. I remember my Dad wanted me to quit work so that I could spend more time driving him and Mom all over hill and dale.... I asked Dad is he had quit his job to take care of his parents.... his answer was no.... thus I refuse to stop working as I need my own funds for retirement, too.

Wow, your Dad has gone through a lot of medical issues. Note that sometimes the meds given for these issues can make a person feel unsure of themselves, that is why your Dad always wants you around him. Oh if only he had a buddy to take him fishing or to the casino. Ask the senior center if they have trips to the casino, some of them do. That way he can meet people and find new friends. I know, easier said then done.

You will have to just be honest with him that you HAVE to return to work for the benefit of the family. What about saving for YOUR retirement.
Could he putter in your yard, read a book or do puzzles. Can he still make himself a sandwich for lunch? Does your local library, community hall, church or YMCA have any fun classes or events he may take in? Even if he was playing cards with another senior or watching John Wayne movies, it is better than making you feel like the sole entertainment committee. This is not a cruise ship, this is your home!! If you are coddling him now, it will only get worse later on.

Most senior centers have a weekly lunch event or outing. You may have to go with him a couple of times. Good luck, but you need to find ways for him to be independent enough for you to get to work more than you are doing now! Good luck!