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I'm not quite sure what to do here. My father has dementia, diabetes as well as a prosthetic leg. He falls down a lot and gets confused as to where he is. My mother is a very selfish person who doesn't seem too concerned about his well being. If he falls down she has to call an ambulance to come pick him up or me if I'm not at work. She verbally berates him and tells people (in front of him) that she's sick of his crap. She is selling the house they live in to move several hours away to live in a pop up camper. She wants to be closer to her friends. Right now my dad is in the hospital after a tumble. Doctor's are recommending having him fitted for a new leg and rehab. Apparently, he's not been eating or drinking much. I told her she needed to cancel the sale of the house and wait till he's fully healed to make a big move. Which I've been arguing with her for a couple of weeks about not moving into a camper. She refuses to cancel. I told her if she won't wait till he's actually recovered that she needs to look into putting him in a nursing home. She refuses because she's concerned about losing his social security check. It always comes down to money with her. Out of 5 kids I'm the only one that still even talks to her. If she moves several hours away I'm really worried that there will be no one to help my dad and I don't know what options I have when she won't listen to reason.

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Huddox, you've gotten very good and wise advice. I'm just going to hone in on the legal aspect of selling, and coercion as elder abuse.

Did your father sign the listing agreement and purchase agreement? Do you know who the realtor is, and if so, perhaps you could contact him/her and explain the situation, stating that your father is not aware of what he signs and that there is a possibility of elder abuse b/c he's literally pushed into signing by his wife.

The mention of elder abuse should perk up the realtor's ears and make him/her a bit more cautious about proceeding with the sale. So should stating that your father has dementia and might not be aware of what he's signed. If you have to, just kind of out loud, query the issue of legality of the sale if your father lacks capacity to sign.

If the realtor realizes that the sale might not be valid b/c of someone with dementia being coerced, or tricked into signing, that should be enough to make the realtor step back and think before going forward with the house sale and purchase.

If you can get a copy of the purchase agreement, I would even go so far as to contact the purchaser for the house and the seller of the trailer and alert them to the dementia and validity of signature issue.

You might even drop the word "injunction" to let the realtor know you're serious about protecting your father's rights.

I'm serious about the elder abuse issue though. I would contact APS (but don't hold your breath for help) as well as the local police, and a state elder agency if it has one. (Michigan has the Elder Law of Michigan agency which offers advice to elders).

From what I've read, I think your father is being abused, if not physically, at least mentally. You might also consider contacting an elder law attorney for a consultation.

If your father did sign the purchase and sale agreements, though, the issue of possible coercion may still exist. I get the impression the poor fella is just so worn down by his wife that he goes along with what she wants even though it may not be sensible, or even if he doesn't understand what he's signing.

This may sound drastic, but another thing I'd consider is consulting a matrimonial (divorce) attorney regarding first a separation, and/or possibly a divorce. Explore the issue of what she would be able to get from him before going further with that though. You don't want to impoverish him while she might be able to get alimony (if she can't support herself).

Although this may seem drastic, you might also explore with an elder attorney the possibility of getting an injunction to keep her away from him as well as to prevent her from disposing of the (joint?) assets.

This would probably compromise whatever relationship you have with your mother, but it doesn't sound as though she has a healthy relationship with her family anyway.


Another thought is to speak with the social worker at the hospital and ask about a direct placement in assisted living. Does your mother get SS, or have any other income? She would probably oppose this if the family income is diverted, but your father's health is a priority now. I think a social worker would be sympathetic and help you find a place, but if you consider this, do your own research as well.

Good luck.
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Hey thanks for the answer all. Sorry it's taken me awhile to get back on to respond. I work a lot of hours. Getting ready to go back to work now actually.

Unfortunately,I can't take my father in as I live in an upstairs apartment and he can't climb stairs plus I work way too much to be able to give him the care he needs. My sister has 2 kids and a full house. The rest of my siblings live out of state.

I'm not sure if the house is in both of their names or not but she gets him to sign everything whether he understands or not. He's not really coherent to what goes on around him anymore.

My mother I do not feel is in the right mental state to be deciding anything. She was seeing a psychiatrist for awhile for severe depression. She's always been off but after my little brother passed away a few years ago she's been on a fast decline. My mother is 61 and my dad is 73.

I haven't seen the camper she's buying but heard her say it's 32 ft long. Not a lot of space. My dad has already said he doesn't want to move but she doesn't care. Personally,I think he's better off here in the city close to his doctors than moving a few hours away to a small town.

My mother has been taking care of him for about 10 years now. He used to be a very bright,intelligent man but he fell down a flight of stairs which put him into a coma for nearly a month. Almost as soon as he woke up he was incoherent and steadily going downhill. It's been really rough on him.

I've been talking to dad's brother who's a nurse and he's trying to convince my mother that a camper is not a good place for my dad to be. Also,my brother and I talk pretty frequently. He's a nurse in his state. He's taking a few days vacation towards the end of next week to come up so him,my sister & myself can all try to talk to my mother about all this together. He basically said the same thing a lot of you have said which is if she doesn't listen to reason that we'll go up and talk to the social worker together and if nothing really results from that he's willing to pool our money to seek legal aid for my dad.
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Huddox, a pop-up camper? My gosh the ones I remember from my childhood were 1/4 the size of those "tiny" houses, without a bathroom nor kitchen. Nope, very bad idea. Makes me wonder if your Mom is saying these things on purpose so that your Dad won't go with her.

If you Mom wants to cut ties, then if she sells the house... I assume she is using Power of Attorney to sign for your Dad, then she needs to give Dad half the equity so he can use it for his care.

If Dad's dementia is mild and he is able to understand documents used for selling a house, then he has the right to either sign or not sign. If you find that Mom had signed as POA even though Dad is able to understand, the sale of the house can be stopped.

If there is a Contract on the house, that is more complex, the Buyers could sue for non-performance. Anyhow, if Dad gets an Attorney, his Attorney could have the real estate settlement attorney split the equity and closing costs, and just let the house go to a new owner.

If there any way you or your siblings could take Dad after he is finished with Rehab until a continuing care facility can be found for your Dad? My Dad enjoyed living in his, great food, and he enjoyed being around people of his own generation ;)

As for your Mom, her calendar isn't going in reverse, and some day she may find herself in the same situation as your Dad health wise. Then what?
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How old are your folks? Your mom's plan sounds pretty crazy to me. Do you think your mom's mental faculties are all there? Living in a pop-up camper for anyone over 35 sounds like it's "out there" as an idea. And it sounds like she's planning to bring your dad too? Right? I'd consider trying to get guardianship of your dad.

At a minimum, I'd speak to the social worker at the rehab facility and talk to an elder care attorney about possible ways to help them both. And please come back here and keep us posted, since we all learn from each other.
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If the house is in both of their names she will need his signature. You might be able to start the Medicaid process in which case half of the home's assets will need to go to him. Does he have enough income to cover him for 5 years if she takes it all? You may want to consult an elder law attorney. You may want to inform the real estate agent that the sale of the house could be possibly be delayed due to legal action
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"They" took him out of his home, he is left with nothing (of his years building his estate), "they" took his income, home, and moved him far away after stealing his money.

If one does not hire an attorney just for the Dad, (in your case Huddox), this will happen
to your Dad. Reading this, it does not appear that Mom is taking him with her to a pop-up camper. Is she even competent to be making these bizzarre decisions?

Please try to help them both. Don't be put off by her or him.
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Wow. This sure sounds like elder abuse to me. Since you aren’t there with them 24/7, who knows what else Mom is doing to Dad when no one’s around. For sure there’s neglect. I wonder if you couldn’t speak with the hospital’s social worker to get help. It doesn’t matter that your mom doesn’t want to put your dad in a facility because she doesn’t want to give up his check. It’s not her’s to keep or give up. It’s his, for his care. She may be given a portion of it as a Community Spouse, but she cannot “horde” it. I believe it’s time to advocate for Dad. Stop arguing with this woman who really has no power or say over anything. Call legal aid if you can’t afford an attorney or utilize the social worker at the hospital. Impress upon them that Dad is not getting very good care at home. At the least he is being verbally abused and also neglected. Instead of being reactive, be proactive for your dad.
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H'm.

Sounds like your mother really has got sick of all "his" crap. Though actually, it's not his: it's the result of his illness and his age and his infirmity. But the fact that your father can hardly be blamed for any of this doesn't reduce the burden on your mother. And it sounds like it has broken her.

You'd perhaps better speak to the hospital social worker and see what your father's options are in the circumstances as they really are, and not as one might ideally like them to be. See if you can sketch out some kind of care plan for him that assumes that your mother goes right ahead with her plans and refuses ever again to lift a finger to help him. Though if she thinks she can do that AND keep his income... she may have another think coming...

How long has your mother been your father's main caregiver, just out of interest?
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Tough situation. Does your mother have the right to sell the house? Whose name is it in? A camper with narrow stairs, no room for a walker is not an appropriate place for someone with mobility issues.

Can you talk to the Social Worker at the hospital and ask for help? There also is the issue of Medicare if your dad needs to move into some form of assisted living and your mother spends his share of the proceeds of sale.

Maybe talk to a lawyer too.
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