My mom is in Assisted Living because she fell twice while living alone. The first time she broke her shoulder and pelvis. The 2nd time, she broke 2 ribs and severed her hand. This was 2 years ago. She wasn't taking her thyroid medication properly and she wasn't keeping her oxygen on. She complains constantly about the Assisted Living situation. She refuses to be social and says that everyone in there is nuts. She says she wouldn't mind living there if she just had her car so she could at least get to the store to buy a loaf of bread without depending on anyone. I'm thinking about giving her the car. I'm trying to figure out how people determine if it is safe for their loved ones to drive. Her eyesight is okay. She has hearing aids and they work well when they're cleaned and have fresh batteries. She can't really keep up with them and is constantly telling me they don't work. I clean them and suddenly they work.
2) Not remembering to keep her oxygen on
3) Unable to manage her own hearing aides
Do you think she should be on the road driving? Do you think a person who doesn't remember to keep their oxygen on will be able to alone pack her oxygen tank (or system) into the car, get to the store, buy the items she wants, pack them in the car, and then get back to the AL on her own?
Not happening.
What could be a good solution for everyone is to hire a paid companion a few hours a week to take her out. This way she can go to the store, out to eat, visit friends, etc... and there's someone with her who also does the driving.
If YOU own the car
If it is registered in YOUR name
If YOU are the one insuring it
YOU will be the one responsible if something happens. By responsible I mean financially on the hook for any lawsuit if she drives in to a building, a crowd or a child on a bike.
I suppose the real questions to answer honestly is this.. Would you allow your mom to take your grandchild for a ride to the store? Would you ride with her to the store?
Please do not give her the car. If you have to tell her that due to it not being driven it no longer works.
She owns the car and the insurance and plates are in her name. But, it's okay, I've read everyone's advice and I feel much better knowing that this is "par for the course" ...losing your independence is part of aging and it isn't easy. I'm going to take the advice of someone who suggested setting up an annual Medicare Wellness Exam with a cognitive and memory test. If we can get the virtual driving assessment, that would be great too. All of this will seal her fate. She will have to accept it and, I guess, she'll be miserable for the rest of her life. That won't be anything new. She's never ever been very happy or grateful for much in her life. I just will have to limit contact with her because I refuse to let her suck the joy out of the last quarter of my life too. Thank you so much for the advice!
Your mom severed her hand? As in lost her hand when she fell? I sure hope that’s not what happened.
Driving is a lot about freedom and control and it changes a person to loose those things but two years is a good bit of time to have not been driving. Perhsps this a bit of wistful thinking on her part.
How old is your mom? How fit is she? Does she exercise?
Would she be familiar with the car? So would she be driving with the oxygen?
Here is a good article on the subject that gives you some specific things to check out that might help you decide. Be sure to read the comment at the bottom of the article.
https://caregiver.com/articles/driving-dilemmas/
You have other advice below of how to get her tested .
Some OT's will do this.
I would be concerned about her physical limitations as well as cognitive limitations.
You could have her use a Ride Share but....
If she can't remember to clean hearing aids or keep oxygen on will she remember how to use a ride share app?
Most AL facilities have a van, bus or other transportation going to one store or another almost daily. I would think that is the safer way for her to get to the store.
Now to play devils advocate....(and I am probably going to get flack for this but...)
If mom does not have dementia
If mom owns the car. (and it is current on plates, she has a valid license, and she has insurance)
You do not have a valid reason to keep it from her.
Teach her how to use the uber app. If she can't figure it out she should not be driving.
Before you have her assessed for driving, she needs a cognitive evaluation.
Dementia is more than just declining memory. It also includes a decline in rational judgement, initiative (socializing and joining activities), reflexes, reaction time, and visual perception - all of which can contribute to falling and not conducive to driving).
If she can't responsibly handle her hearing aids and her medication, it's highly probable that she can't responsibly handle a 4,000 pound moving machine. It would be dangerous for her as well as anyone else on the roads.
I would never give her a car because that opens up a whole new can of worms that you do not want opened. More like a Pandoras Box.
Just know it's the law for the residents in AL to complain about everything. The "crazy" residents, the food, the activities, the books in the library......you name it, they'll complain about it. If you were to give mom a car, her next complaint would be about the price of gas. And then she'd want something else, and on and on, like the book If You Give A Mouse A Cookie. Your best bet is to ask her what she needs from the grocery store once a week and bring it by. That won't solve the problem though, trust me. Been there done that, for quite a few years. I'd listen to the list of complaints for awhile, then change the subject.
Some of these people you can put up at Buckingham palace and they'd still complain. We didn't make them old and cause them to fall, time and genetics did that. They can choose to enjoy life or be miserable, it's not our job to make them happy....an impossible feat anyway.
Good luck.
is this really about driving, though? Or is that just an excuse for her petulance? Being able to drive to buy a loaf of bread has nothing to do with being antisocial and falsely claiming her hearing aids don’t work.
That would be after discussing with her and her MD in the same room.
We don't know your mom, her limitations, her diagnosis or prognosis.
I would also discuss with the facility she is at.
On the face of what you write to us she doesn't sound to me as though she is safe to drive, nor does she sound to me as though your getting her a car will make her safe.
As to your involvement at ALL, in getting her a car, and etc???? That alone should be enough to tell you she should not be driving.
At my brother's ALF many did drive and were able to.
If she can drive then she should go out and purchase the car on her OWN without your enabling all of this.
Don't take on the "responsibility" of trying to "make mom happy" with the losses in aging. It isn't a happy time. You will wear yourself out, and for nothing. It is up to your mother to own that her life is now changed and there are losses and limitations that are painful.
I think that your writing us says it all; you already KNOW this is a bad idea. So stay out of it. When she complains say "Yes, I understand that all these losses are truly tough stuff, and I am very sorry about it, but if we live long enough they are the losses that come to us ALL".
Remember, the same losses in balance and in reflexes that allow these falls--which come by the way from the brain balance centers--are the same losses that can make her stop just a bit too late when a 2 year old is crossing the street in front of her.
This is so incredibly helpful! I appreciate the guidance, the information and the confirmation. You're right, I will never make her happy and she needs to accept where she is. If she wants to be miserable for the rest of her life, that's her choice and I will probably visit less because she sucks the joy out of my life. Also, the losses in balance and reflects is a very important consideration in determining whether she should be driving. I appreciate that!