It's not so black and white... I live with my partner of 25 years. She can do some things without my help — bathing, grooming, that kind of thing — but because of her seizures and her minimal use of her right arm (caused apparently by the tumor in her brain), I do everything else. I do the cooking, driving, maintenance and repairs, setting out meds, and taking her to her doctor's appointments.
She's 77 and I'm 81. I'm in good condition, but I just wonder when it would be time for assisted living. Her two adult daughters both have resources. One of them is very well off, so there would be no problem in finding and paying for a good facility.
I travel for work and when I leave the apartment she never stays alone, but goes to her daughters' apartments. She does feel like a burden on them and she probably is, but on the other hand she refuses to have anyone come into the apartment to help or stay with her when I'm gone.
When would assisted living be an appropriate thing to consider?
Yes, assisted living would be an appropriate thing to consider if your partner's care needs compounded with stubbornness about refusing outside help has become too much for you and her daughters. More than an appropriate thing to consider. It may be a necessity.
Don't assume that because her daughters are well off that they will pay for her to be in assisted living. They may not. She's supposed to pay for her own care out of her own assets and if she has none then a Medicaid needs to be done.
You are soundly being taken advantage of by not being paid to take care of your partner. If you were married to her you would be entitled to half of her estate even without a Will. If she had to be placed and you as a spouse, are dependent on her income the law allows for that. So does Medicaid if she ever needed it. By caregiving for free, you are preserving a larger inheritance for her daughters who will no doubt tell you to pack your bags the moment their mother passes away or goes into care. They will make no allowances for you no matter how long you provided free caregiving to their mother.
Your profile says you live in New York. New York recognizes commonlaw marriage. You may have a palimony claim and should talk to a divorce lawyer. They would know all about it. You have to protect your interests too.
Here is my opinion:
It's over-time for assisted living to get your partner evaluated by her doctor and local social worker to be placed into a facility or hire home help, using your partners funds, possibly her onto Medicaid, not Yours, nor your families', funds.
It appears you are possibly on the verge of burnout with your enormous responsibilities. Can you make and/or keep your own health appts.? If not, your are facing a dangerous situation that may only get worse and likely last for years with your beloved partner. Spare your own and your own family's funds and burdens for all yourselves' future care. I wish you best regards.
Patathome01🙂
What one person can manage another might not be able to.
I would base YOUR answer on SAFETY.
When it is no longer safe for HER for you to care for her at home it is time for other options.
When it is no longer safe for YOU for you to care for her at home it is time for other options.
Those options can include but are no t limited to:
Hiring caregivers that will come in and help out for "X" number of hours per day.
Hiring caregivers that will be there 24/7
Looking for a facility that can safely manage her care. That might be Assisted Living or Long Term Care/ Skilled Nursing.
But you are the one that makes the determination when it is no longer safe for you or her. (Unless she has a POA other than you that makes that determination and takes the decision out of your hands)
Would you still expect to be paid if you were married to each other? I'm just curious, as most of us married folks willingly cared for our spouses and never once expected to be paid to do that, as that's what loving couples do...take care of each other.
And I find it concerning that you say in your profile that you couldn't make it financially on your own without your partner, so to me that tells me that you're only with her at this point for the money, and not because you love her. And I find that very sad, as she deserves better as do you.
And while her daughters may have the money to pay for an assisted living facility for their mom, they should NOT have to spend one penny of their own money on their mom as they will need it for themselves down the road. It is NOT a child's responsibility to care for their parent or spend any of their money on them. Period, end of sentence.
Your partner will have to sell whatever assets she has to pay for her own care, and if and when needed, Medicaid can be applied for.
Oh, and to answer your question....someone needs to be in an assisted living facility when they need assistance with daily functions, which it sounds like your partner now needs.
But don't expect her daughters to have to pay for it, or to pay you for doing what most couples do for each other for free.
Instead it may just be time to be true to yourself, and admit that you no longer love this woman now that the road has gotten tough with her health issues, cut your losses and get on with living your life without her, as it's really not fair to either of you to continue living a lie.
You both deserve better.
And I can't help but wonder if the tables were turned and it was you with these health issues, if your partner would feel as you do. I'm guessing probably not.
What's wrong with gtting paid? There are advertisements on tv night and day about how a family member or friend if they live in the same house can get paid to be a person's caregiver. There's nothing wrong with someone getting paid to work, and believe me caregiving is WORK. Hard, miserable, laborious work. Whatever relation someone is to their caregiver does not make this work any easier. So why not get paid for it?
But you need to be realistic about the finances. Is your partner still competent to make serious financial decisions? If so, I suggest going to a lawyer who specializes in both Wills and Estates and Elder Law.
You can't just expect that her daughters will pay for her care, no matter what their finances are. They need to provide for themselves and their families now, as well as for their own retirements and senior years. And you can't just lay claim to her income and assets, no matter how long you've been together, as an unmarried couple. Not saying you should have gotten married, just that a partner is not granted the same rights as a spouse so these issues need to be sorted out legally.
And you need to be transparent with the daughters, so they don't think you're trying to take advantage financially, or you could end up in a legal fight.
If your partner is no longer competent to make serious decisions, does someone have her POA, and does she have a valid will and/or trust?
Your profile is very informative. You don't get to keep her assets if she needs care, you make it very clear you are taking care of her begrudgingly and you want to be paid for doing what loving partners do.
I say move out and let her and her children do what is needed to ensure she has proper care.
Just because her daughters have done well doesn't mean you get their mom's houses. You are going to need to figure out how you can afford to live without this woman, her money or her daughter's money.
She's 77 with physical and mental challenges and you're 81. I hate to be blunt but the answer is...Yesterday.
All of us, everyone, can just pop-off at any minute, say with an aneurysm, or by having an-unplanned-for silly fall resulting in simply breaking a leg and getting a few bothersome bruises. For argument sake, let's say it's you that suffers a setback. What would you wish had been put into place for your partner?
Call around to ALs in your area and ask if they would take your partner with this medical problem. Are you sure her daughter would foot the bill? It can cost up to 10k or more a month for AL. Maybe, for now, she goes to the daughters when your traveling. She is her mother.
What assets do you and partner have?
Would be BOTH be entering care together?
Have you explored costs and availability.
This is a question that depends upon need, and upon assets, and I don't mean the CHILDREN'S assets.
You indicate in your post to us that your partner is doing well other than an inability to use both arms, yet you are not leaving her alone. That would indicate to me more problems than an arm out of commission.
I would discuss all of this with partner and with family. You need to be facing things together to the extent you can. And it's an individual situation. For my brother, with his probable early Lewy's it was lack of someone nearby in his own town, and very poor balance that tipped the scales between staying home just a bit longer and going in care, and then the fact that he had solid financials he was very unlikely to outlive, and could afford very good ALF.
I wish you good luck in your decision. It's a lot to think about and discuss.