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My future MIL moved in 5 months ago when her husband passed away. She stays in the adjacent bedroom upstairs and the only bathroom is upstairs. I work 45 hrs a week. My fiancee works for himself so spends alot of time caregiving. MIL is walked downstairs at 8:30 a.m., fiancee makes her breakfast (which she could do herself), fiancee assists her to go back upstairs to the bathroom or brings a potty downstairs if he is gone awhile. Anyway, I ask him to have her back up to her room by the time I get home (5:30 pm). I'm exhausted, want alone time with him and get tired of her dirty looks (she gets jealous). He thinks this is 'rude' and feels guilty. Am I selfish?? She has a sofa, table and bed in her large room!! She has a phone, radio and has been offered TV. I want to run away so often because I'm in my 40's and feel intruded upon...I can't even talk at my normal tone because I feel she is always listening. I feel she doesn't appreciate the sacrifices being made or the fact that she gets to live with her son.

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1. You don't have reasonable expectations about what to expect on a caregiving support forum.
2. Your expectations at home are reasonable if the other people involved in them see them as reasonable. If they don't, you need to work out a compromise to share expectations, or agree to go your separate ways.
3. If you find another forum to seek feedback, I suggest you explain the entire situation in your first post. For example, where did MIL live 6 months ago?

A widow of five months is fragile emotionally. If you are not prepared to deal with that, it really isn't appropriate for you to be living in her house and making rules for her, no matter how good your intentions.
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Well at the moment it sounds like everybody is getting the worst of all worlds. Your fiancé probably feels that his mother is made to feel like a stranger in his home, your MIL - widowed five months, which is really not long on the scale of things - no doubt feels like a leper, and you feel uncomfortable and, indeed, as you say, intruded on. This situation sucks for all concerned.

All three of you need to think again. Ideally do it together, and be generous to one another.
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Please, people be nice. Some folks are just not up to care taking. You find out when you get there, which is what has happened for S48. Now she knows, but does not have answers.

I think it is important S48, to remember that this is your fiancee's Mother's home. You are her guest. You may need to find your private time in the yard, or in your room. She probably goes to bed early, and your together time would be then.

IF everyone ends up staying in Mom's home, consider putting a bath with roll in access shower downstairs. Then you and son take upstairs. She will eventually have too much trouble with the stairs.

Keep in mind that to some degree, how he treats his mother might be how he will treat you, and how you treat his mother is how you might feel about caring for him. IF you are not able to manage this, and many people are not able, it is important to not pretend to do so. Go back to your house, work with a counselor to figure out what you and your fiancee do next.

Also very important in this is that Mom is grieving the loss of her husband, best friend. This is many times more difficult than the loss of your together time you feel right now. Your fiancee has suffered the loss of his father, and seeing his mother in extreme emotional pain. Many spouses are so filled with grief that they die shortly after the loss of their partner. Your fiancee has this to consider also.

All of these things mean setting aside your own needs for a time, as will future crisis when you are married. If this is not what you signed on for, work out an exit that will not devastate your fiancee. I think being married and resenting your spouse, either one of you, would be hellish.

You are fortunate you do have a home to go back to. You might do this as a breather while you think about your needs, feelings, and capabilities. The only wrong thing in that situation would be to not be your true self.
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Hon, you asked a couple questions - are you being reasonable and "am I being selfish" so please don't get your knickers in a knot because someone answered you.

I'm a bit confused - you said she moved in 5 months ago, but later write "this is her house, although he and I own our own separate homes hours away." If she's in her own home, then I'm not sure how one can ask her to stay in her bedroom after 5:30. Honestly, my mom lived with us and I too was exhausted from work and dealing with Mom, and I still couldn't have asked her to retire to her room at 5:30.

Sounds like time for you and your fiance to go to dinner and discuss the hard questions about what you both see for your future together.
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Whoa...just read the followups. Quick to judge, I think not. You asked for people's opinions, based on their experience, and the feedback was no, it's not reasonable (nor very kind) to expect this lady to be banished to her room so you have the evening with your fiance. You made a conscious choice to move in with her, knowing that you were sharing your living space with this lady. Don't shoot the messengers because they're not telling you what you want to here.
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Woah! I posted too early to have read the follow-up.

This is HER house? This is HER house??? I am slack-jawed. How dare you require her to be back upstairs in her bedroom before you get in?

How dare you.

Don't you think you'd better leave?

And as for this opening (I thought I must have misremembered): "My future MIL moved in 5 months ago when her husband passed away."

How dare you. Get out.
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This is a situation that should have been talked out long before the move was made to live with MIL. Hashing out all the good, bad and indifferent along with each person's expectation of the situation. Caregiving is not for the faint of heart and quite frankly it is not for everyone. That isn't a bad thing; it is just wise to know yourself first before committing to such a responsibility and lifestyle change.

At this point, I would suggest open, honest, counseling for everyone.
Good luck!
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I notice you said "future" MIL. Sonny boy cannot bring himself to cut those apron strings. If he is in his forties, he never will. You are engaged to a man with a controlling mother who will never give him permission to marry.
Unless he is able to break the cycle of abuse, mom will continue to dominate his life and his future.
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Yes im sorry i didnt realise it was "HER" house so i think youve got a cheek asking her to be upstairs in her own home?????? Wow that changes everything! also comparing her bedroom being no worse than a NH room i think youve alot to learn about life and are sounding like a spoilt brat hope her son gets to see this before its too late!
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So are you pretending that she's not there so she has to be out of your sight and "disappeared" by 5:30? You sound self centered and selfish to me. What great sacrifices are you making? Why not just move out and see if you prefer being on your own? Maybe he can come visit you so you don't feel like you are being listened or someone is making faces at you. Really.
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