Depressed everyday- Is there any way to ever feel better?

The changes that occur when someone has Alzheimer’s and dementia are amazing. One they are talking to you, and the next day it is like they cannot hear you at all. No reaction. No acknowledgement. No look. Sometimes behavior changes are little steps, other times a leap. A few times you could be fooled and think they are getting better, but later they do not. It makes you depressed and sad. You just have to adjust to the changes, but do not ignore her. Continue to talk and love her. Watch tv with her. Listen to music with her. Read to her.

Some wonderful suggestions and answers here. Please know that we are always here for each other.
Sometimes it is nice to enjoy the quiet. No conversation - just sitting on the porch at sunset, humming a song listening to the birds, you can watch and imprint on your brain each wonderful line of your best friend's face. Sometimes we would hold hands. Yes.... I should have been in the house cleaning or thinking of tomorrow's dinner after work but ...... the setting and and the time was so tranquil and peaceful for both of us. I remember we smiled at each other and held hands for a while. It's one of the great memories I have of my Mom now.
As some else just said......... life changes. You can't control the change but you can control you're reaction to it.

I think seeing a counselor is a good idea. Sometimes we get so focused on our careers and workspace, we forget to develop other interests. So think about what you might like to venture into as a hobby..... drawing, painting, music (the largest group of people learning to play piano in the US today are over 65), photography (digital photography is a wonderful outlet and some of the editing packages can make you another Ansel Adams in a year or so! - ok ...not really but you get my meaning..... it's fun, it's creative, it gives you something to talk about and you meet new people). I met a great group of people five years ago when I signed up for a photo shoot course at Gettysburg by sunset. I had the cheapest camera and was clueless about ISOs and F stops but they had a blast teaching me. We still are in contact today (and my photos have gotten better); Sports ?........... golf, horse back riding (yeah there are a bunch of us old ladies riding in our 70s; Gardening...... the monarch butterflies need your help . Yes, you may have to force yourself into some of these thing but think about.... your Mom.... your bbf.... will never consider you boring and wants you to live your life to the fullest. Start now while she can enjoy watching you soar.

Wishing you peace in this journey. Please stay in touch.

When I vent about my 94 y/o mother to my 28 y/o daughter who's an RN, she keeps repeating (over & over again) to 'go get therapy' or 'go get counseling'. Which irritates the snot out of me b/c I've been down that road in the past. And guess what? Nothing changed. And nothing will change, either, unless the 'counselor' or 'therapist' can stop my mother from having dementia and repeating the same things over and over again, or complaining about the same things over and over again, or insisting that I should move her in here with me, or that one of 'the family' (who are all dead) should move her in with them, etc etc.

Nobody can fix dementia. Nobody can fix the broken mind of the person suffering from it or the daily turmoil the 'child' has to suffer when calling the parent to talk on the phone. Or driving over to see them. It gives me a stomach ache every single time. It's rare that we're able to have a pleasant conversation, or a real conversation of any kind, or a nice visit. It's always strewn with a lot of cussing (on her part) and name calling and general angst/agitation/complaining about everything from the food to the other residents who live with her in the Memory Care ALF. She often hangs up on me, too. The whole thing is nerve wracking.

If others want to tell you it's 'shallow' or 'selfish' of you to feel depressed or upset with this situation, that's flat out wrong in my opinion. We're all entitled to feel whatever emotions we FEEL. We've lost, or are losing, our mothers to an ugly disease that makes them impossible to talk to; to interact with; to deal with in general. The argumentativeness is beyond belief; just that alone is enough to make any attempt at 'conversation' impossible, at least in my case.

Feel however you need to feel. Get it off your chest. Come here to vent & to get support in general, from most people who understand and empathize with you. Take what you like & leave the rest, as it is with the entirety of the internet.

Get counseling if you think it will help you, by all means. I just don't like that answer as a 'be all and end all' across the board remedy to everything. Sometimes I just want to vent and be heard, that's all. Or punch a pillow and scream. I want my daughter to say Gee mom, I hear you.........I know how tough grandma can be and what a horror show it is to go over there & have her treat you like dirt. Not "Will you please go get counseling, geeez mom." You know?

Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation. You have my understanding and support, and here's a hug for you too.

First off, your grief at the potential of losing a mother who loves you and is your best friend is an awful thing to face. I was reading the comments here and was quite taken aback by one that I need not mention. You, like myself, have been lucky to have good mothers and did not suffer abuse at their hands but that does not mean you have no right to feel how you feel.
I don't think the conversations need to be long, keep them short with a good story and something that will make her laugh, just calling her everyday is the important part. Go for quality over quantity.
Counselling is always great idea for anyone. That way you can focus on enjoying your time with your mum instead of being saddened by it but also focus on building up your own life

And to (some of) the people of the forums, lets keep this a safe place where we don't judge others struggles as being less worthy of attention than our own.

First off, I would suggest you go over and visit your mom. Get out the old photo albums and allow her to reminisce.

The second suggestion is for you to find something to do like join a seniors group.

Yes it is very hard to be in your situation, I have been there a few times.

For what it's worth, you dont come across as shallow or selfish. You wouldn't have taken the time to create this post if you were.

LindaC11: I feel for you; I really do. I would also telephone my mother every day - sometimes twice or thrice a day. It soon became apparent that my late mother could not communicate well by telephone any longer, as she talked over me. However, at least she spoke. Whether you and your mother speak only of the weather or anything at all is very special. God bless you.

Counseling may help, but you can also get through this without. Be kind to and easy on yourself.

My mom was my best friend too. The time we had together was golden.

She may be in her nineties, but she is so important to you, at any age. Don’t feel guilty for feeling sad and concerned.

A friend greatly helped me when I was going through what you’re experiencing, by telling me the following. You are grieving, but you still have her. You will have some days that are absolutely wonderful and others that are incredibly painful. Cherish the wonderful days. Generally expect the worst, and with these managed expectations, you may feel a little less pain.

Some people die abruptly, but she is still with you, giving you more love and memories. She is probably staying alive for you—she doesn’t want to leave you, because your relationship is so meaningful. She also doesn’t want to hurt you.

On your non-caretaking days, create lists of things you want to do with her, to best enjoy your time together. Not all these activities will work out and when they don’t, pivot and do something else from your list. Enjoy who she is at every stage. Try not to panic. Make her feel comfortable and loved if she makes a mistake and she won’t be afraid to keep trying.

Note the breakthroughs. Was she more herself after a creative activity? Did music seem to reach her more? Did she seem younger after a walk or fresh air? Was her memory stronger when we were resting and talking? Look for cause/effect and see if you can help design more good days.

As for the phone calls, keep them coming. They could be an emotional lifeline for her, even if the conversations are not as spirited as they once were. In the meantime keep on your toes thinking about other causes, just in case that could help. Could she need a hearing aid/update? Upgrading her phone for an adapted (hearing-impaired) version may help too.

if her mental state has changed dramatically, look at her medications (read the printouts from the pharmacy). Does she take anything that has a side effect of confusion? Is she prescribed something that may interact with something else? Sometimes these creep up slowly as the cumulative effect in her body occurs. Lots of elderly are over-medicated and the doctors don’t always know what the best combinations are until a problem occurs. Don’t be stifled if your mom’s doctor responds that you are in denial of the aging process. Sometimes doctors feel criticized when questions are asked, but you are both on the same team. Leave no stone unturned. Never remove any medications without medical direction.

It's hard and it's depressing...but 'be there' for her regardless. Treasure what life she has left here in this world because when she is gone, you will be glad you did. I just lost my Mama last month. For over a year, we were only allowed window visits at her nursing home (through the glass)...very strict nursing home...then toward her increasing decline (parkinson's dementia), she was hospitalized and she and I got to be with each other 10 days until she was discharged back to the nursing home...(even though she suffered greatly during that time)...She lasted 4 days at the nursing home and went to heaven right before I got there that day for the daily window visit (and talk over phone to her). How I greatly miss her! I would sometimes sing little songs to her to cheer her up at her window over the phone as we looked at each other for 15 months of almost daily window visits...don't worry about 'what' you talk about...your being there for her is what counts the most and she needs you (and you need her).

How about get library books on travel or art or gardening and look through them together and discuss them. Maybe watch a movie together and then discuss it ( or a short video again from library)
Grief comes in waves, you are realizing the days slip by to a day you won't have the same talks, but don't dwell on it as the focus. Journal and read or do counseling on grif, but also find some hobby to give your day a reason to wake up.
Best Wishes