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Hello everyone, I never expected to be asking this question.


My mother and I are the primary caretakers of my grandmother (82). Earlier this year, she was admitted into a hospital and an outpatient rehab facility following a subdural hematoma. It should be mentioned that she was never a happy person and subsequently had a toxic personality her whole life.


Having lived independently prior to her admission into medical care, we tried to adjust and take her into our home, but everything had gotten worse as the negative personality traits became more and more pervasive in every day behavior (giving orders, screaming, nasty language). We tried to work around this, but with failing judgement and increasing aggression, things were getting more difficult.


Earlier this week, she had begun to strike both of us using fists and whatever objects were nearby after initially refusing to go to the store the very moment she had asked as we had breakfast. In trying to diffuse the situation and to prevent her leaving (she does not remember the way home), she had threatened to call the police and screamed that she was being tortured and dying in the hopes the neighbors would hear. Then she called up her case worker with claims of physical abuse from our end.


I cannot continue living like this, with sleep, appetite, and nerves being affected. I have been unable to find work because of COVID and the situation at home, as well as having substantial debt from recently graduating. What can I do in this situation? I don't want either of us to suffer at her hands anymore, but am unable to pay for long term care for her.

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Does Grandmom have a greencard? Did Grandpa work in the US for more than 10 years? If so, grandma is entitled to what he would have received. She should be able to get Medicare on his work history.

If she has been in this country for over 5 years, she should be able to receive Medicaid. If so, at this point I would also place her into a LTC facility with Medicaid paying.

Have you spoken to her doctor concerning these changes. There is medication that may help. If she doesn't have one, I would see a Neurogist.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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The posts so far are good advice, but one more thing is to make sure that you and your mother agree. You both need to be strong to go through the initial removal and then to stand firm when there is pressure on you to take your grandmother home. Your mother is the closer relative and may be viewed as the decision maker. Make sure that you are in agreement and that your mother knows not to talk to any decision makers without you being there - she may find it even to resist pressure than you do. Good luck!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Call EMT/ 911. She will be transported as a violent patient and will enter psychiatric unit for evaluation. Call in the Social Services at once and tell them she cannot come back into your home under any circumstances. Do not accept guardianship of her. Guardianship can go to the State. They will place her and will access her assets and medicaid if needed for her care. YOU WILL NOT PAY for her care. Tell them she is violent and cannot return to your home. Do not listen to them or argue with them (they will attempt to tell you that they will get you help and you can all work together to make this work; they cannot get you help and they will not and it will not work). When she is in the guardianship of the State they may be unable to place her near to you, but will likely do their best to do so as you are the only family. She will likely need medication all of her life and be an ongoing problem with violent episodes throughout her life. Wishing you good luck.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Yikes! If she is violent, you HAVE to call police. For her safety and yours. She will then be taken to a hospital and be placed on a psych hold (also known as 5150 or Baker Act). This will start the ball rolling for placement. When she's discharged from the hospital, tell the social worker on duty that you cannot bring her back to your home-- which is true, it's unsafe for the both of you! They will try to talk you into taking her home. Stay strong; they cannot force you to take her home. The goal is to move her straight to a facility from the hospital.

A psych hold (or transfer to a psych unit) can find what meds are needed to help calm her down and tame the aggression. Even with meds though, you can't take her back.
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Her money should be used for her care including LTC in Nursing Home/ Memory care facility, not yours. If she doesn't have the funds, she may qualify for MediCAID.
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Reply to peace416
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Geniesov Oct 3, 2020
She has no assets, she has never worked in the USA, and is completely reliant on us for financial support.
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