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She still lives on own, drives, cancels dr. Apps. She has no short term memory and several of her friends have called us about her. She refuses to let someone move in with her or forgets conversation when she has finally agreed to it. We called her dr. To schedule an appt. but she cancelled it when we told her we were going with her. We are afraid she is going to hurt herself or someone else while driving.

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You submit a written request for driver evaluation to the DMV as soon as possible. If she wants to die behind the wheel, that's just fine, but it is all too likely she will kill a family in the process. Don't let that happen.
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You know, there really are no easy answers. I think it is a bit like guiding a child as they grow through the changes. There is really nothing that can take the place of getting actively involved. This doesn't mean moving in with them or having them move in with us if it wouldn't work, but we need to help guide the choices if and when we can. I do wish that it were easier.
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It sounds like you might live a distance from your mother, is that the case? How many sibs are involved? If you all work well together, that will help a great deal.
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You're facing a problem that many face. Many older people deny the problems that they are having. To admit to them would mean they have to change their lives. My mother used to cancel many of her doctor appointments. Her eye doctor even told her he couldn't see her anymore because she canceled every appointment made for her. Mine was open for me to help, though. She had pleaded with me to move here for several years before I came. Of course, she later denied that. :)

Often you have to look for openings to introduce help. Maybe you can start talking to her about what the advantages of assisted living would be -- meals cooked for her, help keeping her apartment clean, not having to maintain property or pay property tax. She may warm up to the idea of living in such a place when she notices her abilities are slipping.

We are legally limited in what we can do. Unless they are deemed mentally incompetent, we can't make them do anything they don't want to. What we can do is look for opportunities to make the changes. They will come.

Driving is something that needs to be seriously considered. I know some older people who should not be driving. They are a danger to everyone around them. If you notice scratches and dents on your mother's car, you'll know she is not driving very well. Her friends have let you know her driving is poor. What you can do is contact the DMV in her county and talk to them about it. This is a very difficult situation, since not driving means loss of much independence. She needs to have something in place that will replace the loss. She will need to have a way to get around when she needs to. Are you or other family members available? You can cushion the blow. If she is not driving well, you do need to see she gets off the road. I don't envy you this task. I hope other group members will let you know how they handled it. I am fortunate because I didn't have to go through it. My mother never drove and my father stopped voluntarily before he became dangerous.
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