Dad with Dementia has begun the dying process. To those who've gone through this, how long will this period last?

VH thank you so much for your follow-up posting about experiencing the dying process, it was so heartfelt and true. I'm sorry for your loss and sending you and your mom thoughts of peace.

This is so sad, VH....I'm so sorry... It seems your dad is pretty peaceful and thank God for that... It's a hard question to answer though.... When it's time, it's time. Nobody but the Almighty knows when that will be. *hugs*

Just read the update, vh...I'm so sorry for your loss... I wish you and your mom peace...

So sorry for you and your family I hope i never have to see my mum like this but we never know? I just cant imagine how hard this must be will light a candle for you. My dad died recently and it was quite sudden I wish id had some time with him to tell him things whether he heard me or not but then im glad he went quickly and never suffered. Just cherish every moment you have left with him and try not to get too caught up in how long I think if we are meant to be there when they die we will,if not then it wasnt meant to be. My dad died five minutes before my sister arrived at the hospital she was devastated but we told her it wasnt meant to be.

My husband just died and he didn't eat or drink for 3 or 4 days, he was on morphine and oxygen but that's all. He had late stage Alzheimer's. I and 4 of my five children were with him all week. We all felt he we waiting for the 5th one who was due home form Jamaica. They rushed from the airport to the home and my son sat with him for about a half hour and then told him he could let go and that he would be with his grandson who had died at 18, He took 3 breaths and died. Tthat little blue book is most helpful. Hang in there.

My mother is dying and going through the stages. My main problem is she is in Hospice in a nursing home in Michigan. I live here in California. I was just in Michigan couple of weeks back and that time my mom was a more lucid and talking and knew me most of the time. She did have memory lapses. But since I have returned back to my home she has gone downhill. The nurses say any day she will pass. They told me last week one nurse said 1-2 days and it is now 6 days. So I wait anxiously here at home waiting for that call. Right now my mom is not really living, but just existing. Truthfully I don't want her to linger and be like this. They keep telling me she is comfortable. When I was there I gave her permission to leave, but she is hanging on. She eats very little. I love my mom so much, but now that she is not communicative I think it is time for her to go be with my dad and brother. Anything else I can do?

my mother was lying in an air comfort bed and reaching out to her deceased brother johnny to " help her " just before we put her under with meds. i , her son and primary carer was standing near her torso but she wanted johnny and could see him . ( for real or visual hallucination ) id guess hallucination because she was legally blind. my dad also previously deceased, by all rights would have been the one there to take her " across" but she saw johnny there. a study out of israel a few years ago suggested that a brain near its end throes has an inclination to look back 70 years. that would make moms flashback from an era when she was twelve years old, dad wasnt in the picture then but it was common knowlege that her bro johnny was her hero at that age. i believe her brain chemistry flushed and kicked up 70 yr old visuals just like the study said. i aint trying to refute the existance of angels with my evaluation of this. i dont have to cause i dont believe in them. what im trying to do is take these different events and find a rational and scientific explaination for the visitors, in this case johnny.the kicker is if my dad were with sky jeBus he could have easily asked to be the escort for mom. theres my take on it. all the pics in the brain were being deleated or bypassed clear back to 70 years and she grabbed johnnys and could view it via hallucination.

My Mom is still hanging on, it has been a week since Hospice told us it would be any day, she has had no food or water. All her children are here and have given her permission to go, but she is hanging on for something. It may be to get us all together in the room with her, but we all at odds with each other since the one brother had a guardian and conservator appointed. Maybe she is waiting still to go back to her own home where
I have been trying to convince the court system to let her go home.

janap, if anything is holding her back, it is the division in the family. Assure her you have mended all your fences so she can go in peace.

I've heard it last as long as three weeks. My mom is also in hospice but she's still eating and drinking some. I'm surprised she's still here. But no matter how you slice this, it's not easy in any way at all.

Thank you to everyone who has posted replies to my original post. Dad was buried last Thursday. It was a small graveside service with a wonderful message given by our preacher. Present were a few family members, a few church members, several friends and several staff from hospice and from the nursing home. Dad is at peace in a place where he no longer feels pain and has a clear mind!

janap48, I would like to respond to your post regarding your Mom and how she is hanging on for something to happen or someone to be there before she passes. I've heard many people say things like this, and have read articles about the possibility. Personally, I don't really believe that a person in this condition is waiting for something. I believe that the body goes through a dying process which may take days or may take a week or two, depending on the person and the health issues involved. As a Christian, I believe that the spirit will be released at the point at which God decides its time and that the body then becomes just the physical shell of the person. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. My Dad wasn't waiting for anyone else to show up or for some event to take place. He was in a coma-like state and his body eventually gave out. His heart held on as his other organs began to shut down and was beating strongly until the end. Most of the actions of our organs, our breathing, etc. is reflex. The body will continue to do what it was made to do as long as it can. While its nice to think that a person is waiting for a long lost daughter to miraculously appear, or is waiting to see a just born grandchild that hasn't been seen before, I personally don't believe that things like this can keep a person hanging on beyond his/her time, and that it is mostly coincidence when it does happen. I know there will be those that don't agree with me, but that's just my take on it.

My mother passed peacefully on yesterday with my sister and I by her side. Hospice told us nine days ago it would be any time and they were close. It was a long process it seems. So sad, but knowing she is in a better place and reunited with loved ones is comforting.

janap48,
I'm very sorry for your loss. It seems like 9 or 10 days seems to be a general time-frame from the responses I've received from others whose loved ones have passed. It does seem to be a long process, but when I sit back and think about the 9 days my Mom and I spent with my Dad, it seems to have passed so quickly. I guess that happens when your entire life revolves around your loved one for that period of time. Everything just seems to blend together. But as you said, your Mom is now in a much better place, surrounded by family and friends who've gone before, with a new mind and a new body. Believing on that makes everything so much easier to bear.

I personally do believe in these things. There is a beautiful little book by 2 Hospice nurses who tell about people in their experiences. It's "Final gifts" by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley.-"Understanding the special awareness, needs and communications of the dying." EVen though my husband died of Alzheimer's and couldn't talk I found it very comforting and interesting. I would urge any and all of you to get it.

virtualhorizon and janap48 we are all put through life's testing times. Losing parents push buttons that one does not even know they have to push.

virtualhorizon your statement "As a Christian, I believe that the spirit will be released at the point at which God decides its time and that the body then becomes just the physical shell of the person. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. My Dad wasn't waiting for anyone else to show up or for some event to take place. He was in a coma-like state and his body eventually gave out. His heart held on as his other organs began to shut down and was beating strongly until the end. Most of the actions of our organs, our breathing, etc. is reflex. " is quite interesting. I truly believe God determines the passing of a person. I'm also sure that you have those who do not agree with your statement. So are you saying that a person pronounced brain dead with heart still beating perhaps still has not had their spirit transitioned yet? I have a friend whose son had an aneurism at the age of 36. He was pronounced brain dead but heart still beating. Family kept him on support system until they were ready to hear the results of pulling him off. He passed soon after. His mother did go in to him to talk to him about his faith in God before pulling him off the system. If you care, please pass along your thoughts on that.

May he rest in peace...

Your loved ones will be with you always, in ways you do not expect. Something familiar triggers a memory and you hear their voice in your head. Anytime you hold a new baby, you feel them near. A sunbeam is a loving message from above. A lost cap is found and a voice tells you "stay warm". In your darkest moments, you feel a hand on your shoulder. And when you fall asleep, you hear a lullabye.

pstegman you are so right. That is why it is so important for unconditional love to be a part of the daily life. And there is only one way to be able to enact that.

Virtual Horizon, May your dad rest in peace. What else is there to say?

My mom has been in Hospice care since the end of January. She is the same every day they tell me. Some days she will eat some of her pureed foods given her, other days she will not, and she does sleep a lot. I read that sleeping a lot is part of the dying process. Her body is just too tired. But when I was there she was more alert and awake and talking, sometimes mumbling a lot, but now she does not talk at all, just one word now and then, "bye", "fine". Since hearing is the last to go as I have read so many times I told my mom by phone about me and my daughter reaching out and skyping with cousins in Israel whom my mom met in '98 when she went there. I told her this on the phone, but my cousin said she showed no emotion, but she seemed to hear me according to my cousin. I am going to call her again today and tell her that I, myself, actually talked by Skype to the cousins, one daughter in law translating. It was the one of the most exhilarating experiences. I knew of these cousins and my family had always been in touch by letters translated by my uncle as they were in Hebrew, so I finally connected with them something I so wished my mom could have done. So they say share whatever good news there is in the family to a dying person as they will hear you. Of course, give them your love.

First off, my prayers and blessings to you. This is such a difficult time. My sweet Daddy died at 93 in June 2013. I still recall every minute of his last weeks. He went for 9 days w/out fluids or food. Was excruciating for us family members who think you have to always be drinking....but his body knew. We all wanted him out of his suffering (the dementia and body aches/pains) but was still hard to let him go. Someone sat with him all day and slept w/ him each night. I KNOW he heard every word we had to say to him. Lots of touch - think about it - not much hugging going on when you are asleep in bed - which is basically all my daddy did for the last 2 weeks. Tell him when you are going to touch him and where - if there is a reason, like adjusting sheets, oxygen tubes, etc., tell him what you're doing. Sudden movements to their bodies may be startling. Most of all, like all the others have said, reassure him of your (and your mom's) well being and that you love him more than anything. I was proud to be with him at the end - he hadn't opened his eyes in about 24 hrs. when I wiped his eyes off w/ a warm cloth. He suddenly opened his eyes and each one of us got up in his bed and told him how much we loved him. He then shut his eyes and breathed his last. May you be surrounded with mercy and grace.

My MIL lasted 35 days after ceasing all fluids and food after a 2 yr. decline while suffering with parkinsons and dementia. Her hospice nurse told us she would pass within the first week and all the family gathered from around the country, but many had to return home for work and school after a few days. There is really no definite way to know. Our thoughts and prayers are with you all.

OliviaC --
Thanks for your reply. It is my understanding that a person who is truly brain dead cannot breathe without a ventilator. I assume that your friend's son was on a ventilator after he was pronounced brain dead as you said the family kept him on a support system until they were ready to let go. I understand how difficult it is to have to say goodbye to someone who is in the process of dying or who has passed on. I think there is a need to want to hold on and to hang on until the last possible moment before letting the person go. I guess I really don't have a pat answer to your question. If a machine is keeping a person alive, is that person still "alive"? Isn't the machine just an aid in denying death? If the person is brain dead, which means all bodily functions would soon cease if the person was taken off life support, isn't the body just not being allowed to die as it is supposed to do? I do believe God determines the passing of a person, as you said you do also. I believe that once a person is pronounced dead, from whatever cause, keeping him/her alive via machines is only keeping the body alive. The spirit has passed on. The machines are for "life support". They are just helping to keep the blood and oxygen flowing through the body to keep the tissue from dying. The person's spirit has left the body already. That is my take on it, and again, I'm sure many people wouldn't agree with me.

ttwteach --
Thanks so much for your response. Letting my Daddy go was difficult and I understand everything that you went through, as it was much the same with with my Dad. The past several weeks have been odd. Not heading over to the nursing home to visit him, not seeing him or hearing him, even if he only said a word or two. I guess you could say the past month has just been surreal. But things are slowly getting better. I never knew there were so many things that had to be done when a person passes away. Just doing these things has helped my Mom a lot as she's had to be on the go and active most of the time, so she hasn't had to do a lot of thinking during the days. She is also beginning to sleep better. Daddy is and will be missed, but life does go on.

My dad was aspirating his food and water.he was in ICU for a week, rehab for 2 weeks till I tokk him out then he died 5 days later.

I was desperate to find answers about this for the last weeks of my Mom's life... I hope this helps someone else. Mom was in end stage Alzheimer's/ dementia and had fallen and broke her hip in 2017. She had surgery July 1 and the dementia got worse. She was no longer able to walk, but seemed to get stronger and improve with time. At the end of Augusts she fell again, this time bruising her head pretty bad but docs said she'd recover ok. (she was in hopice after her hip fracture, for more personalized care, and I had hopes of her someday walking again) We dreaded any more hospital visits, and I know they were very rough for Mom. The next day in the hospital after her fall, it almost seemed as though she gave up. She struggled with dementia so much, and I like to believe she was taking matters into her own hands. She quit eating to the point of clamping her mouth down for feeding attempts. She's wasn't concious in the hospital much and when she was awake she was anxious and her eyes didn't focus on any of us. The next day she could no longer swallow water. The hospital took her off hydration IV and we took her home. She lived 12 days without food and 10 without measurable water. (tolerated a tiny intake of juice on a medical sponge stick) She was on morphine with increased dosage near the end and was peaceful. She did wake up a few times and smiled and seemed to recognize us on some of those days. I'd read that once you see no more urine output (she had a catheter) the patient would most likely pass within 24 hours, and it was right on schedule. Day 11 of no food she started sleeping heavily with her mouth opened, somewhat labored breathing, and output stopped. She died late next night. I never heard the (sorry for the term) "death rattle", just the heavier intake of breath. I hope this helps someone. God Bless anyone going through this awful journey.

I was desperate to find answers about this for my Mom... I hope this helps someone else. Mom was in end stage dementia, fell and broke her hip. She had surgery July 1, 2017 and the dementia got worse. She was no longer able to walk, but seemed to get stronger with time. At the end of Augusts she fell again, this time bruising her head pretty bad but docs said she'd recover ok. (she was in hopice after her hip fracture, for more personalized care, and I had hopes of her maybe someday walking again) We dreaded any more hospital visits, and I know they were rough for Mom. The next day in the hospital after her fall, it almost seemed as though she gave up. She struggled with dementia for so long, I like to believe she was taking matters into her own hands. She quit eating to the point of clamping her mouth down for feeding attempts. She's wasn't concious in the hospital much and when she was awake she was anxious and her eyes didn't focus on any of us. The next day she could no longer swallow water. The hospital took her off hydration IV and we took her home. She lived 12 days without food and 10 without measurable water. (tolerated a tiny intake of juice on a medical sponge stick) She was on morphine with increased dosage near the end and was peaceful. She did wake up a few times and smiled two and three days before she died and seemed to recognize us on some of those days. I'd read that once you see no more urine output (she had a catheter) the patient would most likely pass within 24 hours, and it was right on schedule. Day 11 of no food she started sleeping heavily with her mouth opened, somewhat labored breathing, and output stopped. She died late next night. I never heard the (sorry for the term) "death rattle", just the heavier intake of breath. I hope this helps someone. God Bless anyone going through this awful journey.