Dad with Dementia has begun the dying process. To those who've gone through this, how long will this period last?

when my mother stopped eating and drinking she had about 3 days left to live. we were advised not to encourage food and water because the body had no use for it and couldnt process it anyway. when our nurse heard no sounds from mothers digestive system she seemed to see that as the systems shutting down and the death process beginning.

Is he being treated by Hospice? They are very educated on this subject and comforting for the family... Many of these questions will be answered by them...

You are very close, and I don't think much more than a week. Just make him comfortable. Hold his hand. Sing his favorite songs. He will sleep more and more. Hospice should be in the picture, they are wonderful helpers.

Thanks so much for all your responses. Yes, Dad has been receiving hospice care for the past three months. They are very much in the picture and are the most wonderful and caring people you can imagine. The hospice nurse actually thought that Dad wouldn't make it through the second night (Tuesday) but he keeps chugging along, albeit slowing down. Wednesday night his breaths were hard to count due to apnea, but the nurse counted about 15. He would stop breathing for 20-30 seconds then start back up again. This went on all day and into the night. Thursday morning (yesterday) his breaths became very shallow and he has been taking between 25 and 30 breaths per minutes. I'm sure his lung capacity is so low right now that he isn't inhaling very much air or oxygen. His skin color is becoming grayer. I just pray that the process doesn't go on so long that it causes a more lingering death, for my Mom's sake. The nursing home staff moved him into a private room, which they certainly didn't have to do, but it was very kind of them. Mom has been able to sleep next to him in another bed. She doesn't want to be away when the time does come. Again, thanks so much.

don't forget to talk to him... he will hear you!!! I have been through this with patients and loved ones. take care, God Bless!

This has got to be a difficult time but in my experience he may be waiting until he is alone to go. I would give him permission and then leave to go eat or have your mom walk away for a short period and very often that is all they need. Hard on love ones because you are not there with them but often they don't want you there for the final. My prayers are with you.

My prayers are with you as we went thru this with my father a year ago (a month short of 96). You are doing everything "right" as nature takes its course. After he stopped liquids (couldn't handle them) I think he survived close to 1 1/2 weeks which shocked everyone- one's body is amazing even in its last days.

I have a poignant story about my dad. He was in hospice and I visited him everyday but left in the evening. It was hard for my 80 year old mother so she did not come often, and when she did, she would leave quickly. On the 8th day, she appeared in my dad's doorway. She asked me to leave. Against my better judgement, I went downstairs for lunch. She went to dad and took his hand and said "I'm here honey. I'm here. " He opened his eyes (which he had not done in days) and took his last breath. We wondered if she knew the time was near, or if he was waiting for her. A great 61 year love story.

My mother, began staring into the corner, was not responsive and stopped eating. She had had a stroke. Hospice thought that she would last 7-10 days, but other than her altzeimers, my mother was in excellent health at 93 yrs old, and was alive for 13 days after the stroke. It was a difficult, blessed time at home, but she left this world, exactly the way she chose to, at home, with dad. The work that you are doing now, is priceless. I'll pray for strength for you and your family.

I had same exact situation with my mom four years ago breaking hip October 3, 2009 with dementia and in Assisted Living. Because of all her health issues, big one being kidney issues so we did not have surgery. She was kept comfortable and was able to eat a bit. Hospice was called in and she ended up passing away on October 21, but eveyone's situtation is different. Hospice prediction was pretty close as to how long she could live. My heart goes out to you. God bless you and your family through this trying time.

Based on what you've said about his lack of eating, the lengthy sleeping and his breathing...I would say your father has hours, no more than a couple of days. Hospice, at least the one serving my area, has what they refer to as the little blue booklet that has the signs of the dying process detailed by hours, days & weeks. If they haven't provided that to you, I would ask. Though, I would think they would have provided that to you already, if available. My local hospice reps, would not verbally answer my questions about a time frame. They would just refer to the little blue booklet.

I agree with others here...talk to him. He will hear you. My husband passed away in August. I was told by a visitor who had experienced several deaths in his family...that hearing is the last thing to go. He advised me to speak to my husband and tell him...it was okay to go. A day before he died, my husband, in a medically induced sleeping state, responded with his hands when visitors would speak to him. So, I know that he was hearing them. The next evening, when there was further decline in his breathing, his sons and I, at bedside, told him it was okay to go. He passed 15 minutes later.

Say what you need to say to your father...tell him you and the family will be okay...and then release him.

I wish you and your family, including your father...peace.

My mother-in-law died 2 weeks after ceasing all fluids and food. It was much longer than we thought possible. She was in end stages of Alzheimer's.

If you can try not to measure the time (other than for practical reasons, making sure you and mother eat and drink and sleep regularly for example) I think it will make you less anxious and more able to focus on just being with your father. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Prayers for a peaceful and gentle end. x

I have experienced both my mom and dad's passing. Each one had their own faith and personality. Depending on which, one was more willing than the other to passover. May you feel God's presence as your dad grows closer to Him and further from you. .

What was healing for me was when I was told that there is not a more special place to be than at Heaven's gate handing your loved one over to God. So ditto to Countrymouse, focusing on just being with your father is where it is at. Surrounding you and your mom with prayer.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. When my mother was in the same situation, she lasted 3 days after her last bite of food. She was on a high dose of morphine. But every person is different. God bless you.

I just lost my brother-in-law Dec 10th. I wouldn't give your Dad long as he seems very near. Maybe a day! Just be with him and talk to him, because he hears you. I wanted to be there with my brother in law but my husband who also has Alzheimer's didn't want to stay. It was hard to get him to stay when Dave was so unresponsive. So I had to take my husband home. We were not there and I regret that. But maybe he wanted to be alone as the lady said. God bless you today and in the weeks ahead as I know how incredibly hard it is to be the first caretaker and lose that person you have taken care of for so long.

If he is on pain meds, that will cause him to sleep extensively. Having a broken hip is very painful and patients need to be sedated in the few weeks prior to rehab. I'm at a loss for him not eating other than he is depressed and the pain meds are making him lose his appetite. You don't say what stage he is in with dementia, but unless he has a DNR in place, I would feed him a high protein liquid diet, and see if the doctor can lessen the pain meds. Fluid on the lungs is common with bedridden patients and those receiving pain meds. Sleeping too much, lying supine (horizontal) and not coughing up mucus is contributing to his deteriorating state. Unless he gets fluids, sits upright, moves around, and reduces those pain meds he will not last long. Only God knows how long. I would not be putting a nail in his coffin without first trying everything possible to get him better. But that's the nurse in me.

My FIL lasted about 3 weeks after he quit eating. I didn't know someone could go that long. Each person is different. One of the other submitters is right everyone needs to tell him you will be okay with his passing as hard as that is to do. MY FIL went the next day after his wife told him that. And yes, he went when no one was there.

I wish there was something I could do to help you out, brings back very had times that I know are difficult. Bless you.

I am going through similar circumstances with my mother who was released back to the nursing home from the hospital the day after she turned 90. She was taken in for pneumonia, fluid in her lungs and heart, due to a bladder infection that was not being treated for over a month. This was two weeks ago. We are trying to get her back to her home where she wants to be, but her Guardian will not allow it. She has Hospice coming to the nursing home and they try to keep her comfortable as much as possible. She is completely bed ridden now. Mom eats very little, and we get her to take thickened liquids by spoon full. The doctors cannot tell us how long she will last, she has given up since the guardian took her from her home, she has lost the will to live. Wishing you comfort in the process, I understand what you are feeling. My mom is in Michigan and I am in Florida and fly back and forth. I am still fighting the court system and trying to get my mom out from the court system that has eaten away her assets and not paying her bills. It has made the dying process all the more stressfull.

Oh...this time is so painful and will be painful to remember later....My dad passed away in my home, was too ill to be moved to the hospital. Hospice was a God send. Ask your Hospice nurse to show you the signs to look for, petecial (sp) hemmorageing on his hands and feet. They are excellent for talking you through this and helping you to understand everything that is going on with your loved one. One thing that I would like to add is that a lot of people mention their loved ones just staring in a corner or somewhere like they are out of it. They actually are kinda out of it but they are not alone. They are looking at the loved one who came to take them over. The room may be full of passed loved ones, angels and guardians. My daddy was totally amazed with all the people in the room with him that none of us could see, but he was able to tell us they were there. It is not delusional, it is real. Remember they are never alone, someone special that they know will always be there to greet them.

My mom has been living with me the last 2yrs and within the last month has declined rapidly. She has Parkinsons or probable Lewy Body Dementia. The last week she has been sleeping 20-24hrs/day. She is eating and drinking little. She is on morphine for pain in her neck, legs, knees, and back. She gets more and more confused as time goes on. However, she is like a roller coaster. One day she will sleep for 24hrs not eating or drinking at all. The next day she will be up for 3 meals/day and talking about getting her hair done. It is crazy! There are days when she seems so ill, frail, and you just want her sufferingto be over. But a few days later, she rallies and she's much better.
My mom has been on hospice 18months. She has surprised all nurses and doctors as to how long she has been hanging on. She's had falls, bladder infections, pneumonia, a feeding tube put in and later removed, mini strokes, etc. but she's a fighter. Last week I was the given the blue book by hospice(for the second time)someone referred to. The pamplet is "Gone from my sight" The Dying Experience by Barbara Karnes. The best most helpful thing I ever saw was the you tube video by her. Just go to You Tube and put in "Gone from my sight". It is about 2hrs long but EXTREMELY informative and helpful.
I hope sharing this helps many others going through this tough time.

Some people here are telling you their stories, and even telling you that your feelings will be whatever their feelings were. But even though every single person in the history of the world has died or will die, and even though there may be common patterns, each story is unique. This string started five days ago, with people telling you it would be over in hours. How are things now? I wish you love and support.

An intense time for you and so precious. I hope with all the sadness you can also feel how fortunate you are to actually be there for and with your parent. I read to my Mom from one of her favorite old books and occasionally sang to her. I was careful to give my Dad the space to be with her, and was even more involved in comforting him as he was having such a hard time. Mom took about 9 days for her process, after all food and liquids. I was actually not there that morning early when she passed, but my Dad was, asleep next to her in a chair. Mom was in a Hospice facility and it was peaceful and respectful. Blessings

Thank you so much, everyone, for your responses to my post.

alwayslearning asked how things were going since I originally posted five days ago. Daddy passed away this morning (February 11) at 6:10 AM. So it took 9 days for the process. Mom was with him most of the time, sleeping in his room at the nursing home at night. Though he had a semi-private room (shared with a roommate who was in about the same stage of dementia as he was) the staff moved Daddy into a room by himself so that Mom would have a bed to sleep on and so visitors could have some privacy. That was very kind of them. I stayed with her the last three nights, as it seemed each evening that Dad might be leaving us. The hospice nurse visited yesterday at about 2:00 PM and pointed out some of the changes that had taken place just since her prior visit. She couldn't tell us when Dad might go, but she felt it would be very soon, and it was. She was amazed that he lasted so long. His heart was the last thing to go, as it just kept beating and pumping.

I can't say enough nice things about the hospice staff and the nursing home staff. They were wonderful and kind and showed their love for my Dad, even though they only knew him for 3 months. I have felt so sorry for Dad's roommate. He was so sad and agitated about what has happened. Even though he has dementia he still knew what was going on.

Dad will be missed. He didn't want a funeral or an obituary in the paper (he said he was tired of reading the half-page spreads that people put in the newspapers these days). There will just be a graveside service and a burial notice in the paper. The person at the funeral home wanted to put names of survivors and a few other tidbits in the notice so people would know it was Dad who died, but Mom said no, that she was already doing more than Dad wanted by placing a burial notice. We told him that those who saw the burial notice would know it was Dad.

Again, thank you all so much for your input and support. It has meant the world to me.

So sorry to hear about your father's passing. My Mom is still hanging in. The put her on Morphine at the nursing home yesterday. She is not eating and taking few liquids. It is not looking too hopeful for her.

Thank you for posting, VH. It's a great comfort to the rest of us to hear your warm praise of everyone who was helping your father and his family through this. I was touched that the NH was so thoughtful towards your mother, especially.

Missing your father and being grateful that he is at peace go well together, they're both part of loving him. But the loss is still always hard to take. Please accept my sympathies and best wishes.

Thank you janap48. I'm sorry to hear about your Mom. All I can really say is, stay with her and let her know that you love her if at all possible. Dad was given Morphine after the first few days to ease his pain. Toward the end it tapered off. He was kept comfortable with the meds when he needed them and was in no pain. He was in a coma-like state.

One of the symptoms of Dad's decline was the inability to swallow. He really struggled with it. He began receiving thickened liquids and his food was pureed. This worked for a few days but then he could no longer eat or drink at all. The few bites or sips he had been taking were being aspirated. I have read and heard that when a person stops eating or drinking he has simply begun the natural process of dying. We had to remind Dad to chew and swallow because he would just chew a few times and stop, as though he had no food in his mouth or forgot that it was there.

I sometimes think people are so misinformed about the true process of dying. All we hear about are people dying from accidents, murders, suicides, during their sleep, etc. We don't hear that much, or see that much, about the process of death when the body actually shuts down and the person dies over the course of several days or a week. Being with my Dad when he passed away was an experience I'll never forget. It was an honor to be there. It was difficult to watch at times, due to his weight loss, breathing problems, etc. But I believe that being exposed to this (I also was with my FIL during his dying process, but not the end of it), instead of it being perceived as something to keep people away from, would be a benefit to us all as human beings, as it would teach about the sanctity of life and what living and dying is all about. People shouldn't be sheltered from it.

Dear Virtual, you and your Mom really rode that roller coaster of Alzheimers, my sincere thoughts and prayers are with you all, solace is that he left this world with peace in his mind, not turmoil. You Mom has you and what a blessing that is, you are close enough to give her independence yet keep her under your wing, just remember the good times & no matter what the disease looked like, he always loved you all! God Bless

I lost my7 sweet 94 y.o. Dad last May to dementia. I fed him his last meal on a Friday, he went into a deep sleep that night and did not pass away until 8 days later. Hospice was a blessing. All those days with no food or liquids other than to moisten his mouth. So hard to see our loved ones linger so long. He was so very strong in so many ways. Praying for you.