I moved in my father from North Carolina one year ago to Florida to live with me and my family. Before he left North Carolina he had already totaled his car. 11 days after he was here he and I went to the medical supplies store and I allowed him to drive my car in which he rear ended the same car six or seven times by pressing the break and the gas at the same time. He is convinced that he’s able to drive a car in an unfamiliar surroundings and he’s depressed and almost angry. He is Diagnosed with sundowners and has cognitive and physical impairments due to stroke. I am his primary caretaker I know for a fact that this man should not be behind the wheel. And one conversation that I had with him his response was people with no legs drive cars. So that right there told me that he is not thinking with a full deck so to speak. He has an impaired gait when he walks and uses a walker and mostly a wheelchair when we go out for errands etc..He Makes me feel like I am doing this on purpose to him. A man that can barely walk 20ft unassisted thinks he can drive a car. It’s almost like he’s mad at me that he doesn’t have a car but I wasn’t with him in North Carolina when he had two car accidents and then finally totaled the car. Out of that conversation I found him taking pictures off down the wall and had a little pile of his belongings together on the table and I said what is that for daddy? He says” I’m carrying that home with me”. So he was thinking of renting a U-Haul truck and rolling up at his old building in Raleigh North Carolina and they are just gonna let him in to a government assistant building as soon as he arrives there. So I had to explain to him that that is never going to happen from this point on and unfortunately this is where he is in his life right now. I also expressed to him how I’ve said that I was upset that he wanted to leave because I completely been over backwards for him. I take care of all of his needs from puréeing his food, his doctors appointments, all meals, shopping, phone calls, cutting his toenails, bathing him, every single thing that it takes to live in a daily life I do for him because I really want him to live his best life but he is making me feel that everything that I do is never good enough. I do all of these things with no thank you, good job daughter, or even a simple hug or I love you. Everyone warned me that I did not know what I was getting myself into when I decided to move my father and our home. We cleared out our master bedroom and he has the master bedroom and bath and a private outdoor entrance while my my husband and I are split up with my husband in the smallest bedroom of the house and me on the couch with my clothes hanging on a rack in the middle of the dining room. We’ve made great sacrifices for my father to live here and he seems he doesn’t appreciate anything. Instead he always talks about how terrible life is here and he wants to go back to North Carolina and doesn’t realize the sacrifices that we are making and how hard this is on us and the A+ caretaking treatment that he gets here. I’ve tried to explain to him to having a car comes along with responsibilities such as he could kill himself or kill others. He is not familiar with the area. He would have to pay for car insurance and repairs. What else can I tell him they will not I’ve said him so that he understands that her car is not any longer in his future? If he ever did obtain a car, which he can’t because he needs me to be the mouthpiece and do all the phone calls because he can’t do that himself, I would be the one carrying him to the car putting him in the car taking the repairs for the car I am not doing all of that I do enough already. It’s simply is not going to happen has anyone any advice on how to break it to him that he will never own or drive a car ever again? Believe me I wish that he was capable of having his own car. My husband and I are in our early 50s with kids. Busy
Re: the car. In this country owning a car is a rite of passage into adulthood. It is a sign of your acceptance as a mature individual and to lose it is to lose your sense of independence and self worth. And trust me.... if you live to get to his stage..... you and I are going to be a lot worse!! In addition to the above, his brain will no longer comprehend what you are telling him. As some one has said.... his brain is broken. It's not going to get any better so don't waste a lot of time arguing. My Mom was the very same even though she'd had a stroke. I took the keys away.... and that's when I learn just how many places you can stash car keys! It was amazing. Mom had lived through the depression and her generation put the "F" in frugal and they respected and obeyed the law. After I'd played with the keys (she always had another set), flattened a tire (she called AAA and had them fix it), disconnected the battery (she figured out how to reconnect it!) I decided to think on the situation and decided to use her generations beliefs and characteristics to my (and the rest of the driving public) benefit. Mom remembered that to drive a car you need to have insurance and a driver's license. I could win an international award for the perfect copy of our insurances letter which I sent addressed to her indicating that due to her age and medical condition her insurance would henceforth be $17,000.00 per year. She got the letter, read it silently then asked me to read it to her which I did. That did it. Never did make another comment about the car. That won't work with everyone but you may be able to find something that will work with him. We can't have him on the road being a danger to other drivers and pedestrians. See if you can find a case manager or talk to a social worker at your local Agency of Agency who may have some ideas.
Good Luck on this rough journey and please don't forget to take care of your self, your marriage and that husband who rather kindly allowed you to move Dad in. Peace
Your father has cognitive impairment and physical impairment. He can not drive. Don't go into lengthy arguments/discussions about driving. Consider that this is a "thought loop," or obsession that he keeps mulling over and over and over... in his mind. Best advice is to acknowledge that it is too bad he doesn't have a car or can drive... and change to another topic. In time, he'll obsess about something else.
Your father will not express gratitude, because he has cognitive impairment. He only knows what he likes and expects it to be provided. Consider that he has regressed to attitudes of small children: expect their favorite foods, want favorite toys... with no thought of how those are provided. Drop the expectation of loving interactions with gratitude, hugs... Treasure any moments that he is loving or kind.
As for living arrangements, Dad should not have a private access to his room. He may soon become prone to wander. Better to place him in the smaller bedroom and streamline the bathroom to accommodate his needs. You will want a room that is your respite when he is resting or when others care for him. Also create a routine for him that is followed every day. Routine helps folks with cognitive impairment to "know" what to expect and decreases anxiety and frustration (anger).
Get help. Caring for those with Alzheimer's disease or other cognitive impairments becomes a 24/7 job. You need others: family, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help to care for him so you can rest, get personal errands done, have a respite vacation.
When my father got into 3 small fender benders years ago, he called me on the phone to say he would NEVER drive a car again, and that he and mom needed to move close to me into Independent Living so they could ride the mini bus around instead of driving. That is how a lucid mind works. Your dad's stroke has rendered him cognitively impaired, so he's insisting he CAN drive when he cannot. He honestly doesn't understand that he can't.........his brain is no longer wired properly.
Once the doctor evaluates and diagnoses your dad, HE can break the news to him that driving is off of the table. You may have to constantly remind him ANYWAY, because that's how cognitive impairment works. See what the doctor thinks as far as where he should live; in Memory Care Assisted Living or a Skilled Nursing Facility.
If you insist on keeping him in your home, you need to make lots of adjustments to the living arrangement since you can't sleep on the couch forever. Nor can your dad live in a room he can escape from. Read all about dementia so that you can understand why he's not appreciative of all you're doing for him, and why it will only get worse from here. It's really too much to handle on your own, with a husband and family, since leaving your dad alone at home cannot be an option anymore. It's just too dangerous to leave a demented elder alone at home.
Please speak with his doctor right away, and make plans for the future.
Good luck!
He can't buy a car without a license or register one without proof of his legal residence.
Don't take him to look at cars either. Just politely say, "You know I am concerned but you are an adult. If you can do this yourself I won't stop you but I don't have to do something that I think is unsafe." Follow up with, "You know I love you very much."
No dealer will sell to him. He will need cash to buy from an independent owner. He won't be able to register the car and he should know that he can't drive it without plates.
In other words, getting a car is his problem, not yours. YOUR problem is that he is wrecking your life. Deal with that and the car problem becomes moot.
Everything I've seen on lookup says this isn't true. IF I had valid checks from the bank, cash (silly!!!) or in some cases enough room on a CC, I could buy a car without a license. Some websites even said lenders might even approve loans without a license. Some may request an ID, even a picture ID, but for most people that would be a license or state ID (passports are an option, but many don't have one.)
Getting it registered and insured may require similar proof of identity, etc. Driving it would be the big problem area.
Think about it - if someone is not able to drive a car for whatever reason, but needs transportation, wants to own the vehicle and is willing to buy their own car and allow a family member to drive it or hire a driver (to be included on your own insurance, but they should have it too!), why would anyone be able to deny that person the ability to buy a car, register and insure it, even though they have no license? They just can't legally drive it. Why would I be denied the ability to buy a car even if it was for someone else? My money, I can purchase it, even if I don't drive it. Perhaps a spouse doesn't have enough credit to buy one, but other spouse can do it but has no license? There are scenarios where this would be legit.
I'm not saying this man should be allowed, I'm just pointing out that one doesn't need to have a license to buy a car (or register and insure it.)
You know he can't have a car, nor the means to get a car. He also can't drive alone simply for the fact he can't get in/out of the car and load up his own walker or wheelchair. Try not to spend too much time arguing about it. Just agree when he says he is saving his money. Maybe one day when you take him to the car, ask him to get in the car and then ask him how he would get the walker/wheelchair in and out by himself if he happens to be talking about buying a car again. Don't even go so far down the road that you are explaining that you would be the person repairing a car or getting him in/out of the car. He can't have a car so there's never going to be repairs, no helping him into the driver's seat, no insurance payments - all of that is just too many details for him and for you to lay out as potential problems. He can't have a car and his brain just doesn't quite get it yet.
When he gets irritable - agree without really agreeing. Uh-hum, that sounds nice. Could you help me fold some towels? Yes, dad, I love you.
Why have you set him up in the biggest bedroom in the house? It would make more sense for 2 people to be in that room (you and hubby) and put him in the smaller room. If he needs a toilet during the night, a bedside chair works well and avoids walking/falling. Can he get to the bathroom in master all by himself? If he can, surely he can get himself to a bed side pot during the night. Using the guest bathroom during the day. Rearrange the house and take your room back. Don't sleep on a sofa and create more internal anger for yourself.
Your going to have to find a different approach so you don't engage in the subjects that cannot happen. We'll see might be an answer. I think you should save some money. Change the subject.
Do you ever do puzzles - get one with rather big pieces to start with and see if you can steer him to spend some time on that. If he can manage smaller pieces, get one that's a little harder next time. Can you find him any busy work in the house? Like ask him to make a grocery list - doesn't matter if it's one you really use or not. Just occupy time. Keep some towels in laundry room and ask him to help you fold to avert an argument. Any music he likes - turn it on. Good luck. Try to get the reasoning out of your head and don't be so hard on yourself.
This is how we approached a similar situation with my Mom about 3 months before we sold her place and she moved in with me-
First, after explaining the same thing about 5 or 6 times, I videotaped (with everyones knowledge) our conversation about the topic again: car wrecks, dementia ( undiagnosed at the time, but 'forgetting'), medical needs (type 1 diabetes.) She was angry (scared) and so I let her argue with me and push back, I mentioned on tape that I was taping this to show to her when she didn't remember having had the conversation. I only showed it to her when she adamantly refused to believe she had discussed this with me. I did not use it to embarrass her or hold it over her head, but after the second or third time it was no longer necessary.
Next, she ended up in the hospital because of neglected insulin (she had been diabetic for 50 years but was unable to remember whether or not she had taken her insulin and at what dose) at which time I had a neurolgical exam and inlisted the doctor's help in diagnosing her. Now I was able to remind her the DOCTOR had made these rules.
Finally, when she pushed back, I let her go ahead and try to get a vehicle, insurance, etc. She was (of course) unable to manage all of those details.
I always had a good relationship with my mother and reminded myself over and over that fear manifests as anger, and extended her as much grace as I could.
She always said she never wanted to live with children in old age and about 3or4 months later, I found a wonderful assisted living apartment about 5 minutes from my house. She has (happily) been there ever since, but that first year of adjusting to not driving and not living independently was stressful and heartbreaking.
God bless and good luck to you, your family and your Dad.
Second - Reassurance that no, what you are going through is not unique! Many have similar issues, some different, but all difficult for most of us!
Third - More about the driving later, but just hiding or keeping tabs on your keys may not be enough. If he really can't navigate himself to the car, perhaps it won't be a big concern, but if he can, beware! We usually have a place for everything, but sometimes we might put something down, like the keys, when we get "busy" or distracted. I would consider installing a kill switch in your cars. Simpler to de/activate than pulling cables, but be sure not to let him see you flip the switch! Another option would be the "club", to lock the steering, but that wouldn't stop him from starting it or putting it in gear, just no steering which could be dangerous! As you noted, pulling the cables, etc wouldn't work, since his mechanic abilities are more long term memories, for now, so he might figure that out.
Your primary question at the end of your "intro" was about how to tell him he can't drive. YOU know it won't happen, but wanted help in how to deal with it.
"It’s simply is not going to happen has anyone any advice on how to break it to him that he will never own or drive a car ever again?"
There's no real need or really any way to "break" this to him, as it likely won't stick in his mind and/or be accepted. Play along with him. Give him a large "piggy" bank to put his "savings" into for buying the car. Give him catalogs from various dealers so he can pick and choose what he wants (preferably just the pretty brochures, making sure none have contact info!!!!) Let him think he's going to buy and drive a car all he wants, just don't enable it! If/when he shows you what he wants, have a fun discussion around the vehicle, ask questions about it, talk about how much fun it would be and then excuse yourself to deal with some other task(s). Bathroom break always works well!
Hopefully by the time you come back he's onto something else or you can distract him with something, beverage, snack, folding laundry, TV program, etc.
As many have noted, the problem with cognitive issues is often anything you say doesn't stick around. This is especially true with most dementias. The short term memory goes first and anything new isn't retained, at least not for long. My mother could repeat the same statements or questions multiple times within a very short time frame. She was not pestering me, she just didn't know that she'd already said or asked it.
If we try to correct, explain or argue with them, they can become agitated or even become very nasty to us. In their mind, they are fine and so YOU become the enemy, the ONE trying to thwart their plans and the ONE who denies their wants.
It's better to try to avoid any confrontation. Defer the discussion for later, fib a lot, distract when possible. Not a good day today. Maybe tomorrow. You haven't saved up enough yet, keep saving dad! ANYTHING simple that works to defer it. Depending on where he is on the dementia path, some of these deferrals can work. Often we need many "weapons" at our disposal - these can take time to build up (different deferrals, different fibs, different distractions.) Also, play along with his big "plans", keeping it non-specific, asking him questions, letting him keep his hopes and dreams alive, but try to steer him in another direction, until the next time...
There are other issues that need to be addressed, but since help for "breaking" the bad news to him seemed to be what you were seeking, for now, that's all I'm covering in this post.
send him back to NC and wash your hands of all this nonsense before he burns the house down with your family in it. It sounds like you weren't very close to him... so why in the world did you let him move in with you?
I think you were fully aware of what your father was like before you moved him into your home. Why else would you be sleeping on the couch while your father displaces your whole family? It’s perfectly ridiculous to keep living this way in order to appease a totally self centered 80 year old man who is apparently quite used to making himself the center of attention. This could go on for many years. Stop spoiling him! You are the one who needs to change because he never will.
And tell him he will need to carry a million dollar policy so if he hits the gas instead of the brake,,,, his insurance will pay for the people he mangled... not you.
a relative is a retired fireman... Everytime he went to a car accident with an elderly person involved, it was 99 % the elder's fault...Why? because, the always agree... they must have done someting wrong...
Lives are at stake here... seriously... so have dad talk with doctor, police, dmv.. Perhaps he needs to pass an elder's driving and writing test...? And tell him he will need to figure out how to make the appointments, and get himself to the appointments, because you and hubby have not been able to sleep normally, and kids have their appointments and school to go to...yes, I know covid,,, but blame it on your busy lives of you, hubby, and kids... Sorry DAD... You Need to figure this one out... We are busy.... Here is a list of services like Salvation Army, Church, Yellow Cab, Uber, TAXI Cabs,,,, SENIOR CITIZEN LIFTS...called Access... or your local social services... IN OTHER WORDS DAD... REACH OUT TO AN ORGANIZATION SOMEHOW, AND GET YOUR RIDE TOGETHER... Man..."_
Oh Dad, one more thing.... We Love You, and our neighbors, and take a cab somewhere if it is that important... or ride share, or bus... I love my friends, family, and neighbors too much to help you make an appointment so you can get an official drivers license and/or car in this state... This, you will need to do on your own... GOOD LUCK ... Love you. Oh, by the way, dad, if you need to be taken to the doctor, library, grocery store, I would be more than happy to take you....that is how much I love you....
And since you really do not care where you lay your head... hubby and I are taking over our bedroom... YOU MAY CHOOSE THE GUEST ROOM, OR THE COUCH... WE have also placed some brochures down for you to read for senior citizen suites.. We have found a 6 pack near here, we should check out for you.
This place is having a meet and greet next Saturday... Free lunch... Should I reserve our space so we can tour the place? Space is limited now due to covid.. so we can have a nice afternoon together at least and lunch... :)
Dad please ask the kids, they are great with computers... they can locate other senior living areas near here....
There are going to be times when you will be the bad guy, when you're not really. Angry times that you want to pull your hair out and times when there doesn't seem to be a fix. Don't give up!
This disease has so many components, and each case is different, just stay the course and do the best you can.
I'm 71 years old and my husband is 80 years old and we get along 95% of the time. If he gets angry, I try to change the subject. If that doesn't work, I leave the immediate area. Five minutes later, I'll come back and I can talk to him again, as he's forgotten he was angry. Like I said, every case is different.
I hope I've helped in some small way and good luck.