My parent, age 95, lived independently but with limited mobility until a fall broke their hip four months ago. Three months in rehab, there's little improvement to mobility; basically, they're wheelchair-bound but cognitively fine. Assisted Living with highest level of care (one step below skilled nursing care) was recommended. We placed them in highly rated Assisted Living community which siblings agree has top-notch care and amenities. Parent cannot accept the situation and constantly complains how old everyone is and how unhappy they are. They complain so much that three weeks in, all the siblings (except me) are ready to pull them out. Note: There does not seem to be any issue with the quality of care or the facility itself. Complaints are all about how the parent feels they don’t belong there (too young/too cognitive). Parent and siblings want them to move back home and live alone with some sort of caregiver, not necessarily 24-hour but maybe 12-ish.
The siblings live out-of-state and I would be left managing at-home care. One sibling is in denial about parent’s abilities and feels — despite being currently assessed one level below skilled nursing and unable to get out of bed by themselves — parent could manage fine on own at night. The other one goes along because that would reduce costs and being at home would keep parent happy. Parent also okay with this plan because of cost savings, though money shouldn’t be an issue.
I am stuck in the middle. I think I would be possibly open to at-home care as long as we were realistic about what parent’s care needs were/are instead of denial of reality to placate parent.
Has anyone worked with a geriatric care manager? I just think we need someone independent to get us on board eith what parent’s care would need to look like if at home. Or possibly advocate for continued community living, if that truly is the best solution.
Please let me know if you have had a similar experience and how you dealt with it.
My family was local & it was not all on me at all - so quite different to your situation, but I did find third party input very useful.
My relative had worsening mobility & high care needs. Was not wheelchair-bound or house-bound (at that time) but needs blew past what family alone could do. Aides employed but this took much managing (the cancellations, no-shows, no available staff. Balancing multi agencies to get shifts covered). Ordering meals, paying bills, transport, appointments, help with all ADLS & iADLS.
There was *mission creep* of being expected to be 'on-call' to fix, solve, be the backup aide - any day, any time regardless of my life, work, own family & other commitments.
Running a Care Home for One is not for thr faint hearted. The *Manager* must have their heart 100% in it.
Mine was not. I saw it as unsuitable, unsustainable at best & unsafe at worst.
I obtained a series of professional for impartial advice. Doctor, OT, Social Worker amond them.
I started out wanting these people to back me up & possibly convince other family.. But this didn't happen. However, I found it VERY useful to have this impartial advice.
It provided a chance for everyone to express their viewpoint. To be heard. I certainly saw things in a different light & I gained respect & acceptance other's views could differ.
I also learned to respect my own boundaries.
As it turned out, my family decided staying at home, obtaining the best home care set up was what they wanted.
They had the facts laid out.
They choose their way.
And I choose my way. I backed out. I returned my role to that of a caring family memer, not an on-call worker. It wasn't easy but relationships remained good & intact. THAT became my new goal.
Anyway, that's my tale.
That you have done your best, but are now DONE with this situation.
No one who is bed bound is safe overnight alone. Any EMT or firefighter will tell you that
Some things can't be fixed so that everyone is happy.
Have you consulted a professional about the possibility of depression?
Hmm.. maybe you have opposing views to your siblings BECAUSE you are the local one - using your EYES to see the real state of things & your EARS to hear from the professions in person.
The sibs are getting what? Phone calls from parent? Feeling the F.O.G? Fear to upset the parent, Oblication to please them, Guilt at putting them 'in a home'.
Caregiving can need a village.
Your siblings mean well.. but are they really helping? Or back-seat driving?
Talk with your mother's doctors about an antidepressant. This is a common need among the elderly.
If your siblings want this for your mother, make THEM totally responsible for it. THEY hire a care manager, THEY hire the caregivers, THEY arrange for the payments, THEY take and make all the needed phone calls.
A wheelchair-bound 95-year-old cannot be safely home alone, especially at night. Therefore, THEY need to ensure that when they take on this responsibility, it is 24/7 coverage for your mother's SAFETY. And, if they are looking for cost savings because they want an inheritance, shame on them
As to the elder WISHING to return home?
Yes, most naturally he or she does. And if 24/7 care in home can be afforded and provided by said elder, and said elder is competent to make this decision, then it can be done. No one WANTS to be in care. And no, your favorite friends aren't there; they are in fact, more than likely DEAD just as my own are (I am 82). Old age and needs of it are not about "liking". They are about needs and about making the best of a very bad situation. Which imho is what aging is.
Your heart is good, but children cannot be responsible for an aging parent's happiness. It isn't a happy time. It will not be happy in any circumstances. I am sorry to be so brutally blunt, but I think it takes some gall to decide a parent is coming home in the care of ANOTHER sibling. Unless you are doing the care you do not get a vote in this matter, to my mind.
I wish you the best. As an adult in your own situation, you must make decisions for yourself. See to it you are not bullied into something harmful for all.
I would take myself off the list for caregiving at once, were I you.
I would inform siblings that I am out of the discussion and will not be providing care, and that I am leaving this decision in the hands of those who will be doing hands on caregiving.
What does care look like if given at home?
I can only say, it looks like the unimaginable, the unsustainable, the undoable; which is because that's exactly what it is.
I have had some meetings with a geriatric care manager whom I found excellent and very realistic. My parent refused to cooperate so it didn’t get far. But I haven’t had to try to coordinate with a sibling with different wishes.
Good luck from another firstborn.