Angry husband accuses me of emasculating him when I request behavior I consider appropriate. Any advice?

What are these people doing or saying that he needs to “stand up for himself”? Are they just perceived slights or outright arguments over something? This scenario is hard to visualize.

You say your DH is healthy...so no dementia? If not, just because he’s 81 doesn’t give him the license to be crabby or antagonistic to your neighbors. Was he always short tempered if so, I might mention his anger to his doctor. Can you talk to DH privately about how his crabbiness is affecting you? You don’t want to alienate all your neighbors, since your social life could be much more pleasant for you both.

Let him deal with things he feels he needs to.

If you see the person, tell them that he is 81 and having a hard time accepting that, apologize if he was wrong. Not in front of him and not if he was right, people can be rude, clueless or unaware and sometimes just calling their attention to the behavior will stop it.

He needs to feel viable and not a doormat, let him do it.

No, no....... not scared physically, scared of his behavior change. Sorry I wasn’t clearer. He is healthy, 81 but no one believes he’s over 65. He just seems to get angrier over what I consider non-issues and I feel like he goes looking for trouble. Always wanting an argument. We live in a condo, many others around. (Too many for my taste). He always wants to confront someone about something. If I have to live here, I would prefer to do so peacefully. When I ask him to forget it or leave it alone, he gets incensed that I am emasculating him and not letting him stand up for himself.

No matter what his issues are, If he threatens you in any way or lays hands on you in anger, don’t hesitate, leave the house with your phone and immediately call 9-1-1.

Sorry you’re going through this. Your profile says you’re scared. Can you please give us some more information on the situation? What behavior is he exhibiting? How angry does he get when you mention it? What is his health? Does he have dementia? Is there anyone else in the house with you both? Are you taking care of him by yourself?