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I'm retired, moved up to Georgia to be near my daughter, and also closer to our grandchildren and other family 4 hours away.


I have been taking care of my wife, who is 6 years older, for a couple of years. She doesn't know who I am half the time. She thinks I am her husband's friend sometimes.


Well, she wanted me to leave a couple of times when she said I shouldn't be here. 6 weeks ago, she started hitting me. So, I said, that's it. She was placed in a Memory Care facility.


She wants to come to where I live. She doesn't say "home". She says she loves me, but is really confused. I can't ever bring her home again, because nothing has changed.


I tell her each time, that I have to go to my sister's house to cook for her, as she has a new knee replacement. She says, "I'll come with you, and I can help". She wouldn't be any help. Should I keep up with this story, or move on to another story?

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My mom responds well to humor. When she was still at home and asked if she could have a room mate her own age to help her, I told her that then I would have two ladies to take care of. She thought that was funny. Now in assisted living when she asks when she's going home, I tell her they can't do without her jokes where she is. If that doesn't work I tell her that her doctor ordered that she be there, which he did. The questions sort of rotate. One same question will be asked every day for weeks, then another questions from years ago comes up. It actually doesn't matter so much what the answer is because she will forget and ask again. Just don't make her angry with your answer, or have any way for her to try to solve the situation you describe.
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kennycoke Nov 30, 2018
Thank you for your reply. I enjoyed your story. You have kept your sense of humor through all that you've been through. I will try that too.
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You are doing such a good and kind job as a husband. You have found your wife the right kind of refuge for her needs, and you are still there and still caring for her as well as anyone could.

Give yourself the credit for that first of all. It will in turn give you more confidence when it comes to trusting your own judgement about how to reassure and pacify your wife when you need to.

The thing is, you can keep to this story and hope that consistency will win through in the end. Or, if it doesn't seem to be having the desired effect - which is, to save her being distressed when you leave - you can try a number of variations and see if there is one which satisfies her better. For example, rather than telling her where you're going, what about telling her instead when you will next see her?

My point is really that you are the best judge of what is helpful to her, and to me it sounds as if you're already alert to her feelings. I'm just sorry that there may not be a perfect answer.
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kennycoke Nov 30, 2018
Thank you for your compliments. I needed the advice from 2 doctors, a neurologist, and a psychiatrist, before I realized, and gave myself permission to place my wife into a Memory Care Facility. It's the toughest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Ken
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I find that repeating the same answer to my mom helps just as much as she keeps asking the same queston. Try using the statement "for your safety" in your responses. My mom is confused in assisted living. She constantly asks why she cannot marry her friend who I take her to visit. I just give her the same answer that they both cannot take care of themselves. I also remind her that I will continue to take her for visits to satisfy her.
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kennycoke Nov 30, 2018
My wife doesn't know me sometimes, or at all anymore. She has said, "Why can't I meet somebody nice like you?" That brought me to tears.
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HI Kenny

I am sorry for your wife's condition. My mother has Alzheimer's and I understand how difficult it is taking care of dementia/Alz people. My mother, too, constantly asks me to take her out all day long. Not knowing your wife's health, I can't make specific recommendations. However, here are some of the excuses I and some relatives use when we need to leave my mom home:

--I am going to walk the dog.
--I am taking the car to the mechanic then will walk home. (She doesn't like walking)
--Someone is coming to visit you so you need to stay home and wait.
--I am riding my bike so I can't take you along.
--I am going to the doctor

Sometimes, I just sneak out when
--she's in her room,
--in the restroom,
--busy doing something.
--talking to someone
--watching TV

My mother has no concept of time, and doesn't remember that I've been gone when she sees me again. Sometimes, she remembers and asks where I went, I just say I took the dog out.

Tell us more about your wife's condition and how much she can remember and understand. That will help us come up with better suggestions.
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