Mom is 85 years old. I moved into care for her in APRIL 2025. In November and December 2025 she spent those two months in intermittent Hospital and REHAB stays. She has been home with me again since January 2, 2026. She experienced the expected decline, both physically and cognitively while in facilities. This is her fourth week at home, and this entire week she has been tremendously more cognitively present, and aware then she has been in a very long time. While this is a very joyful thing to have happened, it has kind of thrown me for a loop with how to interact with her without experiencing an escalating situation. Any input or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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But now, once again, she is "back" and has no awareness that she needs help, even though I have to do everything. It is much easier when this 71-pound person with no memory is passive and not saying to me, "This is my house and I am the mother. You live your life, I'll live mine" !!!!!!
I have decided that it is best to interact with her in a way that she expects...even though somehow her expectations are based on being her full, competent self. I have drawn back and am doing less in order to avoid these triggering conversations that I sometimes feel are going to give me a heart attack! So I may let her wear the same clothes for a while or not brush her teeth ("I take care of that myself, you don't get to tell me when to do things!). I feel insane.
So I really feel you on this! No answer, it's just really hard.
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You cannot analyze everything. Take the good days while you have them. We all know that nothing is guaranteed.
Another thing to keep in mind is that increased alertness can precede a "valley." My mom, who has dementia, often becomes more alert (almost manic) just before she has a bad spell (sleeping to the point of being unresponsive for several hours or a day).
The more aware times often cause escalations as they try to assert dominance and prove they are once again independent.
My nephew has been dealing with this with my sister and he says he’s walking on eggs all the time , and now she is declining again but she thinks there is nothing wrong with her .
I guess agree with her when you safely can that doesn’t embolden her too much. Change the subject when you can .
Also don’t always jump in , let her fail at trying some things so she sees she’s not as independent as she thinks . You being there is propping up a false independence . If it escalates badly can you leave , let her be on her own to fail for a bit ?
I had a wise social worker tell me “ stop helping , let her fail “. This was when I was trying to place my mother in AL .
Even though your Mom is somewhat more aware , the ability to reason with her is still not there , that’s the problem . The word “ No “ is a complete sentence.
You can also say “ I’m sorry but that will
not be possible “ . Or “ No I can not ( or will not ) do that .” Don’t give her reasons , she won’t understand . I remember wishing for my mother to get worse where she couldn’t argue so much and hopefully be more cooperative .
Take advantage of this largely temporary improvement . Get out of the house . Do some things for yourself .