My Mother is in a state geriatric hospital 5 hours away from me she got there two days ago. When she calls she is angry. I know it’s the Alzheimer’s she has and she is not herself. I listen to her and don’t argue with her I just answer the questions she has. She thinks I’m being cruel and says would I want her to do me that way and things like that.
I guess my question is should I just listen to her and try to validate how she is feeling at the time? Also have a lot of anxiety issues and sometimes these calls are very difficult for me. Would it be awful to Hang up on her when she is really angry on the phone? I understand it’s not her but it still gets to me sometimes and i dread knowing she is going to call everyday.
Im afraid not to answer in case it’s a Dr or someone calling me from the hospital. I could use some advice.
"I am so sorry, but I cannot speak with you when you are so angry. Call me back later, and if you are in better control of your emotions we can talk, but do understand that if you lose that control I will hang up the phone. I love you, but I won't be abused by your attitude".
Don't answer the phone. Let it go to voicemail. As soon as the call is over you can listen and if it is the doctor or hospital you can call right back. If it is your mom you can call back IF and WHEN you feel like you are ready to.
Mom will be angry, yes. But she’ll be angry anyway, right? Were I in your shoes, I’d much rather scroll through the angry voice mails instead of hearing her lash out while trying to talk to her.
You know you can’t calm her down on the phone and it sounds like her calls just keep fueling her agitation— and that is not beneficial for you or her.
If it helps, you can answer and as soon as the tirade begins, reply with: “Mom, it sounds like you’re having a bad time. Let’s talk later when you’re feeling better. Love you, bye.” And do not answer any further calls that day.
Let the staff know that you are basically being harassed by your own mother (they'll understand, they've seen everything).
Ask that if STAFF needs to talk to you, they should leave a detailed message and then you call back. Caller ID can maybe be set to show that the facility is calling you, not mom. It's pretty simple to change the name of the caller on the caller ID.
Before the advent of cell phones, remember that we had to leave messages? And not too long before that, we simply had no idea if someone had called, unless you had a message machine installed. My dad was tight with a dollar and we never had a messaging machine in the house. I was telling my grands how a boy would call to ask me out and they were appalled at the fact that he may have to call multiple times to actually connect with me. And this has only been 50 years.
I would call the DON and tell them you are getting constant calls from Mom. If she has a cell, they may be able to take it. Landline in her room can be shut off. Making these calls to you could be contributing to her anxiety and thats not good for her.
Not answer: risk of missing medical updates + risk of worrying about who called.
Answer: risk of an earful of Angry Mom.
I’d use some *guesswork* eg Who’s more likely to call at that time.
Plus a *what’s worse question* eg miss an update vs angry Mom.
Personally, I’d worry who called all day. The worry could cause me more damage than the angry call. So for me, I’d answer calls BUT I would also work on some ways to minimize & limit the harmful calls. I’d be using robo-replies to Mom.
eg I hear you are angry Mom. I am trying to help you. I can speak to the Doctor again. I’m hanging up now to do that.
Be positive. Be firm. End the call.
Now if the angry calls are causing you more harm, don’t answer. Look for other ways to get your medical updates. Eg Call the Nurse Manager every 2 days.
Does this make sense. Choose the LEAST bad choice!
Mom needs to adjust in the facility, and get serious help. She is trying to manipulate you to get herself out of there, instead of get medical help.
Let the calls go to Voice Mail, they will leave a message if they need to, including the Doctors.
You don't have to accept being emotionally beat on because her brain is broken and she is in a hard trial. Telling her she needs to work towards getting better is a good diversion from blaming you.
I pray that your mom gets stabilized and you can help her into the best care situation possible.
Great big warm hug! These crises are hard.
A Dr. or someone from the hospital will leave a message for you to call back.