The ‘duty’ trap.

We are not required to set ourselves on fire to keep someone else warm.

That friend has probably not ever done any caregiving. I did it in my mid 60s and know I would not do it nowv in my mid 70s unless my DH and I have bounderies there.

Had a longtime GF say that her boys were going to take care of her, I said don't bet on it. Her response was, they better. Her one son now has his MIL living with them. I know the wife and doubt she will care for my friend. The other son, he may. This is a friend that never had to care for her parents cause they lived in another state, her sister did it. Don't think she helped at all with her grands other than an occasional babysitting.

People say things they have no experience with.

Refer her to this forum and hope she can read through the sad outcomes for the people who, with all best and sincerely good intentions, end up trapped, resentful, and regretful. It's very caring of you to reach out to her. Hopefully you've planted a seed that may take root.

When I began caring for my aging parents, and trying to find a caregiver for them because I couldn't do it, my dad said to me, "Well, you are the only daughter." I had never heard him utter any such thought before then. He was 90.

I agree it is an old notion. And I also agree your friend has probably never cared for anyone before.

You were on the "front lines" and have first hand experience of what comes with being a caregiver. I think you had every right to inform your friend. You handled it well!

What good will duty do if the daugher is ground to a pulp by the demands of the caregiving and then burns out or perhaps has her health permanently compromised before her Mother passes? Who will then take care of the daughter, or the Mother? Duty can also mean managing the elder's care and protection, and not necessarily hands-on directly by the daughter.

You obviously had a strong opinion about the duty of caregiving that your friend had not considered. She's living with an assumption. Maybe the next time you see this friend you can have a continuation of that conversation, asking her if her children know they will be assumed into that role.

You've learned a lot. That doesn't translate to your being able to teach others. People learn in their own time and in their own way. Happily, it isn't really your problem.

I went into caregiving trying to help my parents and had idealistic intentions. I just did not realize the toll it would take on me over the past five years. I did have a sense of obligation at the beginning. Not anymore. I do what I can. And if I can't do it, I don’t. I am just so grateful my father is in LTC because I just can’t handle any more of this.

I learned that I will go into AL or LTC and will not place any caregiving expectations on my only child.

Ask her if it's my duty since I was my husband's caregiver until death? My kids don't have a spare parent and yes, caregiving shortens your life! My kids deserve at least one parent. It's so ridiculous that they weren’t expected to lift one finger to help me with my terminal (young)husband, yet I am told I owe them caregiving? Elders get a free pass!

Sometimes push back on long held beliefs can be shocking the first time such an attitude is considered.

Your friend may have never considered such an idea before, may be holding out to receive care from their own children, may be steeped in "Theirs not to make reply, / Theirs not to reason why, / Theirs but to do and die"

Women in the US are often relegated to this role and many (most?) accept it w/o a second thought.

You did good Danielle 123.

Many people believe their situation is different and resist advice. You have done all you can do in education, now it will be up to your friend to initiate change.

Noone can change others unless they also want to change. Continue to be a friend and jump at any chance to solicit your knowledge when appropriate and back off when you hit the proverbial "brick wall".