I have my own disabilities such as COPD and needing major spinal surgery. Being my mother's caregiver is affecting my psychological and mental health to a great extent. I really could use some help and support and trying to stay sane and healthy, but I am just getting worse 🙏❤️😟. What can I do?
So many good suggestions in the replies you have received here.
Many of us can identify with your exhaustion and heartbreak that come when your own body is breaking down while you’re still expected to keep someone else alive and safe. You’re not alone in that feeling, it’s one of the most painful crossroads any caregiver can face.
You love your mother deeply, but your body and mind are sending alarms that you can’t keep doing this at the same pace. You’re right, this is affecting your health, and that matters. Your wellbeing isn’t secondary to hers. It’s part of her care plan, because if you collapse, there’s no one left to oversee her comfort or dignity.
When the caregiver’s health is gone, the care itself can’t continue.
Here are a few practical things you can do right now:
1. Tell the hospice nurse and social worker exactly what you said here.
Hospice is not just for your mom, it’s also for you. Ask for a care meeting specifically about your health. They can often increase aide hours, bring in volunteers, or arrange short-term respite stays so you can rest.
2. Ask about respite care.
Hospice can arrange for your mother to stay in a hospice house or nursing home temporarily while you recover or take care of your medical needs. You have the right to ask for that.
3. Call your local Area Agency on Aging.
Let them know you’re a caregiver in crisis with serious health issues. They may have emergency respite programs or volunteers who can step in quickly.
4. Lean on community help.
There are people who care — even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.
Groups like AmeriCorps Seniors, Elder Helpers, Friend to Friend America, and Meals on Wheels can connect you with volunteers who visit and offer companionship to hospice patients.
5. Use simple tools to lighten the communication load.
MyPowerPak.com helps you organize family and friends who want to help but don’t know how.
CaringBridge.org lets you post updates once instead of repeating painful news to everyone.
EnvoyAtHome.com allows remote monitoring so you can step away without constant fear.
6. Don’t postpone your own medical care.
Talk to your doctor about your upcoming spinal surgery and COPD. Let them know you’re a full-time caregiver — there may be programs to help you plan and recover safely.
7. Reach for emotional help — today, not “someday.”
Hospice bereavement counselors and caregiver hotlines are available even before your loved one passes. Just talking to one person who truly understands can help you breathe again.
You’re not abandoning your mother by protecting your own health, you’re preserving the only lifeline she has left: YOU.
You’ve done far more than anyone could ever expect of one person. It’s time to let hospice, community resources, and others carry some of the weight.
Please reach out today and tell them:
“I’m not coping physically or mentally anymore. I need help now.”
That’s not weakness, that’s courage.
You deserve care, too
Speak with Hospice. They will have options and suggestions through their social worker. I am so sorry for all you're going through.
This is a benefit of Hospice, Medicare will cover the cost of Respite for patients on Hospice.
2. Talk to the Nurse or Social Worker about getting a Volunteer that could come in 1 time a week. the Volunteer can do no "hands on care" so the time is limited to about 3 to 4 hours maximum.. but it does give you a break and you can get out and get some time for yourself or run some errands.
3. Does mom have the assets to pay for a caregiver that could come in a few days a week for 6 , 7 or 8 hours? If so that is money well spent. It will give you a break and take some of the caregiving off your shoulders.
And the caregiving help is not just for mom. If there are things that you can not do or find tiring like laundry, light housecleaning a caregiver can do that.
Are you her PoA?
Have you considered transitioning her into a LTC facility, and getting her qualified for Medicaid to cover it? Find a facility that also provides hospice services. This is how it went for my MIL, she was in a nice LTC facility for 7 years, then the she started to show signs of exiting and she was approved for hospice in the same facility, same room. She passed peacefully within a week.
I had an Aunt who passed away last January (105 yrs old). Her wish was to do hospice in her own home, which we honored, but it wasn't easy for the family caregivers. I wished I could have gotten her into a nice hospice facility instead.
More info from you would help responders give you the best advice.
You can contact your local Area Agency on Aging, or social services for your county for resources.
Also, hospice has grief counseling and you might benefit from that. It looks to me as if you took on the burden of mom when she wasn't so sick. Now her disease has progressed, and you're not able to take care of her because of your own medical issues. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself first! The way to do that is first to realize that she needs professional help in a facility, and you are not a professional. Obviously you are a very caring child, but taking care of a parent at home is often unsustainable. You've reached that point.
I'm sorry and send my best wishes to your mom as you find another place for her, and to you as you focus on your own health.