How do I address argument between elderly 87 yr old parents?

Support Dad’s decision to place mom. It’s cruel to impose the daily demands on him. Get started now. He deserves peace.

Your Dad is the only one who can change. He needs to learn a different way to interact with his impaired wife. Print this out for your Dad...


Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:

1) Agree, do not argue

2) Divert, do not attempt to reason

3) Distract, do not shame

4) Reassure, do not lecture

5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”

6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”

7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”

8) Ask, do not demand

9) Encourage, do not condescend

10) Reinforce, never force


The overall goals should be to:

1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)

2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people

3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing

4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive) 

5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)


The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout. 

Ask him if an aide to come into the house for 4 or more hours would help him. He can get out of the house and do activities or even go to a dementia support group.

If he is considering a memory care facility and means it, you and him should explore that possibilty. Meet with an eldercare attorney to learn about the financial aspects. Learn about the different levels of care and what your mother needs are today and if that facility can transition to differnet levels of care when they become necessary.

Do you expect him to give the care to your mother as she declines? Have you walked in his shoes? It isn't easy and adding combative behaviors can be stressful and cause health problems for your father. If you mothers mental state has become severe and her physicians are aware then medications may help. Sometimes it is best for your parents to have your mother in a facilty and your father can be there as a husband and advocate to ensure your mother is being cared for properly. It is taxing for a younger healthy person to be a caregiver. I can't imagine the toll it takes on an elderly person.

He is absolutely right to put her in a memory care facility. It's time or very near it. See an elder care lawyer to make sure your father has money when he needs it. All their savings cannot go solely to your mother's care.

Mom will only get worse, not better. If dad is talking facility care, take him up on it. Professional caregivers will know how to take care of mom, saving her family from all the uncertainty, resentment, anger and anxiety of taking care of a dementia patient at home. Her family will be her advocates and friends rather than her (in her mind) adversaries.

Get dad info about possible care facilities. Go with him to visit them. Get Mom into one ASAP. You’ll all be relieved that you did.

You do not argue with a person suffering from Dementia. They can no longer be reasoned with. He has to play along. She DOES see someone. My Mom saw a little girl. I could hear her talking to her. I would go down to her room and the little girl had left. I never told her there was no little girl.

Validation. Instead of dad arguing, he can validate what your mom sees. He can say, oh I see the gentleman. He was just leaving I can see him out the door.

Assist your dad with placing your mum.
He deserves peace; help him to find it.

If he is considering putting her in a care home, you should support him and help find a nice, comfortable place for Mom.

If they are content living at home together, and it is only these arguments which are wearing on him, Advise Dad to stop arguing with her over her delusions!
I don't know why he thinks he can convince her that he is right and she is wrong!
You can't reason with dementia! Just be understanding. She is losing her mind. Literally. Just think how unnerving that must be for her!

I can agree 100% with this. My husband is 73 and I am 68. He has severe COPD with oxygen 24/7 except when he goes outside to smoke and behavioral variant frontaltemperol dementia (bvFTD). He is in stage 5 and starting stage 6.

The VA started providing me with 6 hrs of non-skilled in-home caregiving support 3 months ago.

It has been a life saver!!!!

He is told they are here for companionship and safety issues. Thank goodness he is accepting of this.

If he weren’t, I have already decided to get a cash home equity loan or sell our home to pay for a memory care facility.

Medicare & his supplemental insurance will cover a skilled nursing facility fir 100 days for Medical reasons only - dementia IS NOT considered medical for this purpose.

GET SOMEONE IN TO STAY WITH HER FOR A FEW HOURS A WEEK —— YOUR HEALTH DEPENDS ON IT.