Is it just me? I'm always so anxious.

Caregiving is inherently anxiety-provoking and can be very triggering. CBT therapy might help you to manage the feelings of anxiety with greater ease.

I am naturally wired to worry and I have anxiety issues. These 5 years have been filled with endless worry. I try very hard not to let it get to me, but that us often difficult to do,

Thanks to everyone. I joined this forum at the urging of A place for mom and I am so glad I did. It feels good knowing that I can express my feelings to others who have gone through the same thing. I really take every single response to heart. I appreciate everyone who takes the time to interact with me. I know that everything that has been said in these responses is true, sometimes I just get so in my own feelings/mind I need to get it out. I HAVE scheduled my first therapy session for this Saturday so I am crossing my fingers that will also be a good tool to get me through all of this.
My grandpa is not a social person. He never has been. He hates everyone which is why he has no family left. The two times I have visited have been like seeing two different people but neither had a straight mind. I think a lot of the anxiety comes from being the ONLY one in the family who is involved and so of course it weighs heavily on me. I am trying to enjoy my life more and plan things to get my life back as those last 5 years of living with him strained all my personal relationships with family, friends and my spouse.
Thanks again for all the support this forum brings.

My mother suffered from anosognosia too, where she had the inability to recognize her deficits. While in Memory Care, she'd insist she was perfectly fine and all the other residents were "stupid morons" and other derogatory names. In fact, she managed to convince a couple of caregivers she was fine too, and they'd ask, "what are YOU doing here?" She was the Queen of Showtiming, making small talk composed of no substance, just chit chat. The doctor knew better. And besides, do you think the Executive Director listens to nonsense from the residents about how they're perfectly fine and capable of living alone? If that were the case, they would never have been accepted into Memory Care in the first place because a dx of dementia is required to get in!!!

My mother plagued my dreams too while she was alive. I regret not going on antidepressants back then, actually, bc they would've relieved my anxiety a lot. There's no easy way to deal with a loved one suffering from dementia, but especially one with anosognosia. Its dreadful. Being accused of putting them away for no good reason grates on the nerves and plays the guilt card HARD. But we are the ones w/o dementia and the power to realize and separate the facts from the fiction. Although it sure feels like we've jumped down the rabbit hole with them sometimes, I know.

Keep your visits brief and plan some treat for yourself afterwards. That's my suggestion. Or visit from a distance where GPA doesn't know you're there but you can see that he's okay. It seems to me these elders do fine until WE show up and then the histrionics begin. Take care of yourself throughout this ordeal my friend. And it's definitely an ordeal.

It's just what is UNDERSTANDABLE and NORMAL fear playing with a mind that is distraught and afraid. You are correct, this isn't how it works. And while mistakes may/can be made, they are usually corrected. Good luck!

I have struggled a fair amount with anxiety on various topics, in the past several years largely connected to my aging parents. In my case it was more around setting boundaries, guilt, and feeling compelled to be a “good daughter.” I did two years of therapy with an emphasis on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It helped me. It doesn’t eliminate your problems or even your worries. But it made me feel much more OK about how I was and am dealing with it. With life in general, you can’t control other people’s actions or feelings, all you do have agency over is yourself. There is a lot of pain in life, most of which you can’t control. But you can control your reactions to painful situations.

DBT emphasizes learning to identify your emotions without being consumed by them, building distress tolerance so you don’t spiral into panic, practicing mindfulness, regulating emotions, and increasing interpersonal effectiveness. One of the tenants is “check the facts” which helps you pause and ground in reality as opposed to dwelling on imagined worst-case scenarios. You identify where you are making assumptions, and look at the real evidence. Then ask does your emotion fit the facts, or is it coming from somewhere else.

Like in your case, maybe you would ask yourself, has anyone who works in the MC ever said that they believe your grandpa or think he should be released? When you get updates from them, what do they say? Can you ask them what they do when he makes these claims?

it helps to have a therapist with a sense of humor.

good luck!

Your grandpa is where he needs to be and you must learn how to have peace with that.
And at this point I would limit your visits to perhaps just once a month if they upset you so.
And who cares if anyone believes the stories and accusations he tells them as all the other people there also have broken brains. And the staff at this point have probably heard it all by now anyway, so quit your unproductive worrying.
And it may be helpful to you to seek out a good therapist that can walk you through why you're having such anxiety over this.
Instead you should have peace that your demented grandpa is now being cared for 24/7 and is safe. You can't ask for more than that.

Laura, your grandpa is a 1st rate showtimer, that's why he sounds lucid when pleading his cause.

I want to encourage you to mindfully remind yourself that MC will not just accept someone for care, they need to meet the care requirements to be admitted. As sad and hard as this is for all of you, he is exactly where his level of care and need put him. He needs to be there.

Placing a loved one was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. It kept me up at night, I worried, I cried, I fretted if he really needed a facility and I churned our interactions over and over praying that this was the right thing, it's exhausting. Reminding myself of the reasons for the move helped a great deal and not listening to his showtiming about what he can do and is going to do and he didn't need to be there, yada, yada, yada. I learned that he would say anything to keep me feeling bad. It was on me to disregard the FOG.

I found that having some type of activity made visits so much easier. I would cut his and all his house pals hair, I would bring a treat for everyone or have group sessions of story telling. It made him a rock star in his facility and he eventually calmed down his attacks on me.

Is there anything distracting that you can engage him in before he starts trying to manipulate you with the guilt? Can you just change the subject to something that is light hearted or fun? Can you bring activities that draw others in to make the visit easier on you?

I don't think that anyone in a facility will ever be happy there, but can they find peace within themselves to just be there, yes, I do believe that they find a way to be there, that is until a family member shows up, then the FOG show begins. If you think on this, you will find it entertaining to watch how that works. Stand around corners when he doesn't know you are present, you'll see then how he is really coping with his new reality.

May The Lord give you strength, guidance and wisdom to deal with this hard season.