My Dad is 97. He has dementia but still lives in his own home (Mom died 8 years ago). He can feed himself, bathe, dress, all the daily tasks. He REFUSES home care or assisted living. My 75-year-old sister drives 45 minutes each way 3x a week to visit, bring him food, etc. I don’t live in the same state, but I spend one month every quarter with him. My sister and I have gathered all the info about all options. We can afford those options. But Dad refuses and he can’t remember any of our conversations nor does he believe when we tell him the odd/unsafe things he’s doing. He has bad arthritis in his back and must use a walker. He is bored and lonely (doesn’t remember when my sister visits so he thinks he’s been “abandoned”). We know he needs stimulation during the day but don’t know what to do! He sleeps and watches TV. We’ve tried puzzles, books but his cognition doesn’t allow for those activities anymore. He often says “I’m wasting my life” so he knows what’s happening but won’t let us take him to adult day care. Or have “strangers” visit. He doesn’t belong to a church. The neighborhood has changed over the years so he doesn’t really have neighbor friends. My sister is doing as much as she can. We hate to see him just sit there, getting worse and worse. Any advice at all would be so appreciated. 😢
Do the right thing and place your father before you find him at home not breathing one day.
If he is bored, he would be better off in placement. Does anyone have POA?
Call your father’s local County Area Agency of Aging . I did this for my mother , they sent a social worker out who deemed my mother unsafe at home , in order to place her .
Have a facility picked out ahead of time .
If he hasn't appointed anyone POA and he's getting along ok for now you may have no way to force him to do anything differently. You're spending four months a year with him? That's a lot. How independent is he REALLY and how much are you and your sister propping him up? You may be in the position a lot of us are/have been in where the best you can do is keep an eye on him and be ready to make changes when there's an emergency or hospitalization.
Dad belongs in memory care. He's no longer capable of making his own decisions, so you and sister must do what needs to be done. My husband is in memory care now, and I have no regrets about finding him the best possible care for his condition, which is now severe dementia. He is comfortable and content there. I wish you luck in finding such a place for your dad, and SOON.
Hopefully he already has his affairs in order. I've known several elderly men who lost their wives and never updated their Wills, Trusts, the Title to their house, bank accounts, cars and other important property. It creates a big mess when they don't get these things done. His estate would be tied up in Probate for several YEARS if that happens.
The other concern is LIFE SAFETY. I'd be afraid he wouldn't know what to do if there was a kitchen fire. He wouldn't be able to get out of the house quick enough, or use a fire extinguisher. This is more important than having relatives come visit and prop him up.
If there is a POA and its immediate, get him placed in a nice Memory care. If Springing you will need a Dr or two to declare him incompetent to make informed decisions and he needs 24/7 care. If he has no money, there is Medicaid. If he has some money use it to get him into a nice Longterm care facility that takes Medicaid. When money starts to run out, apply for Medicaid. Do not take him into your home.
He cannot live alone anymore.
I also agree with others that getting him into a good, reputable facility is a wise solution. You won't be done managing things, and he probably won't stop complaining, but at least he will be safe, nurished and will have access to a social outlet -- and his family can get off the hamster wheel and have some peace of mind.
Like others, I'm hoping he has an assigned PoA. This person needs to read the doccument to see if there is a criteria to activate it, or if it is "durable" (effective immediately).
If he doesn't have a PoA, then you can opt to use online PoA forms and then finalize the document in the way required by his home state. This will work and I've done it for both my MIL and Mom as long as you are confident no one in the family will contest the PoA. Make sure it is durable. This is faster and much less expensive than working through an elder law attorney, Otherwise you will need to pursue guardianship, which is time-consuming, espensive and can be draining if he doesn't cooperate.
Or, you will need to report him to APS and he will eventually get a court-assigned guardian who will take over all of his care and finances. The family is outside of any knowledge of the decision-making. They may be consulted (we were in the case with my SFIL) but you will no longer have any insights or access into his finances or medical decisions.
His current situation needs to change as soon as possible or else your family will be making critical decisions in a crisis.
I am going to start right now and say that I am of the belief that if someone has been diagnosed with any dementia they should not be living alone.
Your father no longer has the capacity to determine what is safe for him.
If he does not recall your sister visiting and bringing him food 3 times a week he should not be alone.
Who is his POA for Health?
If no one then you or your sister may have to seek Guardianship.
the option to get the ball rolling might be to report him to APS as a Vulnerable Senior.
You could contact the local Senior Service Center near him and talk to a Social Worker. They may help.
Last option and this may happen anyway........ is to wait.
Wait until he falls and your sister does not find him for 3 days.
Wait until he leaves to go get the mail and can't find his way back.
Wait until an "official" from the Gas Company comes to check the meter and asks to come in to check something and your dad gets robbed.
What happens if your sister gets sick or hurt and can't visit dad for a month?
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