My Dad is 97. He has dementia but still lives in his own home (Mom died 8 years ago). He can feed himself, bathe, dress, all the daily tasks. He REFUSES home care or assisted living. My 75-year-old sister drives 45 minutes each way 3x a week to visit, bring him food, etc. I don’t live in the same state, but I spend one month every quarter with him. My sister and I have gathered all the info about all options. We can afford those options. But Dad refuses and he can’t remember any of our conversations nor does he believe when we tell him the odd/unsafe things he’s doing. He has bad arthritis in his back and must use a walker. He is bored and lonely (doesn’t remember when my sister visits so he thinks he’s been “abandoned”). We know he needs stimulation during the day but don’t know what to do! He sleeps and watches TV. We’ve tried puzzles, books but his cognition doesn’t allow for those activities anymore. He often says “I’m wasting my life” so he knows what’s happening but won’t let us take him to adult day care. Or have “strangers” visit. He doesn’t belong to a church. The neighborhood has changed over the years so he doesn’t really have neighbor friends. My sister is doing as much as she can. We hate to see him just sit there, getting worse and worse. Any advice at all would be so appreciated. 😢
Do the right thing and place your father before you find him at home not breathing one day.
“My 75 year old sister drives 45 minutes each way 3x a week to visit.”
You are also I’m guessing 65 or older, and you travel out of state to spend “one month out of every quarter with him.”
I say stop the madness. It’s not making him any happier and nothing you can do would! I’m willing to bet that if you both moved in with him and waited on him hand and foot 24/7 he would be no happier than he is now.
Instead, ask yourselves what you want to do with your own remaining years!
If you could go back in time to when your dad was say 50 and your sister was 28 and tell him he would one day be 97 with dementia and arthritis, living alone, refusing all suggestions even though he can afford them, other than his two daughters twisting themselves into knots, with him complaining about everything anyway—would he say “sign me up! That’s exactly what I want and what I expect you both to do!” Let’s hope not! Even if he did, would it make any sense?
You don’t mention whether you or your sister have children but if you do, are you hoping /expecting any of them to do for you what you do for him?? Either or both of you could encounter health problems of your own any time.
Wishing you courage to change. He will never tell you or give you permission to do so.
“ There is no more happy “ for an elder with advanced dementia.
Call your father’s local County Area Agency of Aging . I did this for my mother , they sent a social worker out who deemed my mother unsafe at home , in order to place her .
Have a facility picked out ahead of time .
I am going to start right now and say that I am of the belief that if someone has been diagnosed with any dementia they should not be living alone.
Your father no longer has the capacity to determine what is safe for him.
If he does not recall your sister visiting and bringing him food 3 times a week he should not be alone.
Who is his POA for Health?
If no one then you or your sister may have to seek Guardianship.
the option to get the ball rolling might be to report him to APS as a Vulnerable Senior.
You could contact the local Senior Service Center near him and talk to a Social Worker. They may help.
Last option and this may happen anyway........ is to wait.
Wait until he falls and your sister does not find him for 3 days.
Wait until he leaves to go get the mail and can't find his way back.
Wait until an "official" from the Gas Company comes to check the meter and asks to come in to check something and your dad gets robbed.
What happens if your sister gets sick or hurt and can't visit dad for a month?
Dad belongs in memory care. He's no longer capable of making his own decisions, so you and sister must do what needs to be done. My husband is in memory care now, and I have no regrets about finding him the best possible care for his condition, which is now severe dementia. He is comfortable and content there. I wish you luck in finding such a place for your dad, and SOON.
Hopefully he already has his affairs in order. I've known several elderly men who lost their wives and never updated their Wills, Trusts, the Title to their house, bank accounts, cars and other important property. It creates a big mess when they don't get these things done. His estate would be tied up in Probate for several YEARS if that happens.
The other concern is LIFE SAFETY. I'd be afraid he wouldn't know what to do if there was a kitchen fire. He wouldn't be able to get out of the house quick enough, or use a fire extinguisher. This is more important than having relatives come visit and prop him up.
If he is bored, he would be better off in placement. Does anyone have POA?
If there is a POA and its immediate, get him placed in a nice Memory care. If Springing you will need a Dr or two to declare him incompetent to make informed decisions and he needs 24/7 care. If he has no money, there is Medicaid. If he has some money use it to get him into a nice Longterm care facility that takes Medicaid. When money starts to run out, apply for Medicaid. Do not take him into your home.
He cannot live alone anymore.
You have SO much good advice here. What a wise and caring community. Place your dad in a memory care facility where he will be safe. You'll be pleasantly surprised at how good the staff is at engaging even the most senior of seniors in the activities and socialization. Most importantly, he'll be safe. And you and your sister can get off the demanding treadmill, and enjoy your dad for himself rather than as a demanding disruption.
Good luck sorting it all out. Let us know how it goes.
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