My 95-year-old mom lives with us. She is very hard to communicate with.

You could always have her placed in the appropriate facility so you can heal in peace, as you matter too in this equation.

To be honest, your recovery comes first. What good would you be to your mother if you cannot recover from your major operation ? You need time to rest so you should be finding your own space during the day away from her demands.

If your mom won't accept hearing loss then simply reduce interaction with her. Do the minimum. You imply you can't do right for wrong so if her hearing is as good as she thinks, challenge her to be tested to prove her right and you wrong. It took me 5 years to get my mother to admit she needed hearing aids.

You should stop helping her. When she says anything about it, well mom, nothing I do is right or good enough, so find someone that can do it right for you or go without.

I use to say that I could jump through flaming hoops and it wouldn't be good enough, so why bother? That's the position your mom has put you in.

Tell her that you have found a good facility and maybe she can be less critical of the services they provide her because you are done trying your best only to fail.

Tell her all of this at top volume so she is sure to hear, then stop talking to her until she is placed.

🙏🏻 pray. I'm going through similar with my mother who is almost completely deaf. That's 80% of the problem and it can get very frustrating at times. I had neck surgery last year my mom's 97 and I care for her and there are days that it's so exhausting but remember not to take it personally when she lashes comments of negativity out at you. I'm sure you're doing your best. Hang in there

Wow- You are writing about my Mother! It is hard not to engage in that behavior. When my Mom complains about things being done by me for HER, I always tell her we could have the state come in and take over and they could care less if you have cookies and mints. That ALWAYS shuts her up. A lot of what is said, is deliberate, not always dementia. As far as for you, you must take care of yourself. So stressful to have to deal with all of this after a knee replacement. Do what you must to heal so you can deal with Mom. When you are feeling up to it, get a facial or a massage. Take care of yourself so you can take care of her.

Take care of yourself. Ignore Mom. Use plenty of ice on the knee.

At 95 it will be difficult for Mom to change.

You should have considered respit care for her while you recover

At 95, she should probably be in a LTC home. For now, I suggest that you focus on your own recovery, and arrange for in-home support for her. That way, you can continue to hide out in your room as you recover (which is probably much easier on you).

It amazes me how many seniors have no clue or could care less about their infliction on their children once they become caregivers for them. Sorry....but I've seen and experienced a lot. Start flashing very legible notes in front of her eyes....tell her since hearing on both parts seems to be a problem, all communications will be in writing between the two of you. Give her a nice note pad and pen....curious to see how she handles that??? Don't give in to her indirect belittling or reversal of responsibility. If others hear her better than you by her standards....let them tend to her....you have a perfect excuse to get out of the loop!

You need to realize that you not only need to set boundaries, you have to feel you deserve to set them, before you can or will do so.

Yes, mom may always be critical of you.
She may have been some / all of your life, or this is new-ish based on her fears of losing her mind and her independence.

Being patient doesn't mean being a doormat.
I wonder what it means to you? To me, it means being compassionate and understanding where the person is coming from (based on their experience and NOT TAKING their behavior / words personally).

It means being an active listener and knowing how to respond without setting up an argument (which she may want to blow off steam - you ARE the target). In other words, a simple response "I hear you saying xxx' is reflective listening although you aren't taking a side.

Patience of knowing when new decisions need to be made. Be it placement for mom or figuring out what is in YOUR best interest ... hiding out in your room tells me you do not have the ... inner resources to stand up to your mother. This is so very unhealthy for you, and perhaps a life long pattern.

In order for you to know how to respond to her, you need to know your own limits / boundaries. If you are triggered and afraid to speak up / talk with her, then you want need a therapist or some supportive intervention (a medical social worker, for instance).

This is very hard work. You have to believe you deserve a life. Once you feel stronger about your own quality of life, you will be more able to assert yourself and make decisions that are in the best interest of EVERYONE.

I encourage you to get into therapy and/or get some support.
Sounds like you are in way over your head with care with no boundaries set, which you (desperately) need - for your own well-being, and mom's.

If she can't hear you loud and clear, write down:
This is what we are going to do xxx.
Get it clear in your own head first.

Gena / Touch Matters