I live with my 90 year old mother and all she does is complain and hates me and everyone else! She doesn’t have dementia. What do I do?

Hi Mare,

Welcome to the forum. Thanks for filling out your bio. It helps.

“What do you do?”
Could you move out?
Even if you took a trip or spent a few days with a friend, it would help both you and mom gain perspective.

You need a break and mom needs to miss you. It doesn’t sound like mom is happy with you living with her.

Then. When you come back (if you decide to) don’t continue to focus on mom. Live your life, not hers.

At 89/90 mom could live a very long time. Her last days could also be your last days. What would you like your last days to be? Why are you so focused on mom’s last days? You matter too!

Perhaps it’s time for mom to hire help or go to facility care if she needs 24/7 care. What are her options?

What are yours?

Move out.

In your bio you stated, "I am a caring person who just wants my mom to live her last years in her home..." Why? Are you worried that facilities are horrible places? Or, that she can't afford the cost? Have you ever tried to hire an in-home companion aid for her to take her focus off of you? My Aunt and her sister had a wonderful aid for 6 years. Also, how do you know "she doesn't have dementia"... has she ever had a cognitive test given by her primary doctor? If not, I would strongly recommend doing this -- you may be very surprised at the results. If she's always been like this, does she have a mental illness? If she became like this, maybe she has depression and anxiety, which often comes with age-related decline. Her brain doesn't allow her to process her emotions properly anymore. It woud be merciful to talk to her primary doctor doctor about meds. My 95-yr old Mom started the lowest dose of Lexapro last year and it made a big difference for her (and me!). FYI her older sister just passed away at 105, so if your Mom doesn't have any other profound health problems like heart disease, COPD, diabetes, renal failure, CHF, cancer, etc. then she could live for many more years with her mental state continuing to degrade. I'm hoping you are her PoA. If she hasn't already gone for her free annual Medicare wellness exam, make this appointment for her and put her depression and anxiety concerns in her portal as a preemptive note to her doctor (or hand them a pre-written note at the exam). Stay in the room with her and make sure she takes the cognitive and memory test. They can't prescribe mood meds without first having an in-person exam. If you have to tell your Mom a "therapeutic fib" to get her in for this exam and for why you're staying in the room, that's morally permissible. I do it all the time to get my spicy Mom to do things in her best interests. I wish you success in making your own life a priority and appropriate care for your Mom.

Why do you continue to live there? She doesn’t want you there and you don’t want to be there, so what is the point? Stop wasting your time and energy on her, move out, and spend your life with people who respect and appreciate you. If she needs physical help, call APS and let them deal with her. You don’t deserve her abuse, so don’t put up with it anymore. You being there does not make her happy, so it’s pointless. I’m sorry this is the mother you got stuck with, but you don’t have to stay stuck. Get out and reclaim a positive life for yourself.

Why are you living with your mother? Can you move and hire caregiving for your mother using your mother's funds?

If that isn't an option, you need to remove yourself from the same room and reset your emotions.

Have you expressed this behaviour to her physician? Perhaps your mother has depression and would benefit from an anti depressent.

In your bio you say, I am caring for my mother Margaret, who is 89 years old, living at home with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, incontinence, osteoporosis, and sleep disorder.

Is she being treated for her anxiety and depression? If not, meds tend to make a pretty big difference for miserable, hateful folks in general. If that doesn't work, it's time for you to move out and move her into managed care. I'd tell her that too. If she can't stop the chronic hateful complaining, you'll have to move out and get her into a nursing home. Her choice. All choices have consequences, even for 89 year old women who's daughters are killing THEMSELVES trying to make them happy.

Good luck.

You say that she doesn't have dementia, so I wonder if you might explain to us your choice to live with her?
Has your mom always been a bit of an unhappy woman, or is this new with her and a result of the aging process?

Answers to the above will help me to have some clue what you are currently enduring, and what might be a few options for change.
Best of luck and welcome to the Forum.

What do you do? Run.

Multigenerational living often doesn't work. No need to feel guilty. Mom's had a whole lifetime to provide for her elder care. If her only plan was you, that's her fault.

We don't have to take care of anyone we don't want to!
(Plus I bet she does have dementia.) Get out of there and have a life.

How do you know she doesn't have dementia? Because her physician hasn't picked up on it yet? Complaining and hating is a common effect of Dementia.

My 92 year old grandpa lived with my family in a CO owned home for 5 years. When it became evident that he needed more than we could provide a hospital visit ended up with him in an ALF. He did nothig but create chaos there and although everyone always said he was "alert and oriented" every single person agreed with dementia. Several docs refused to talk to me stating that if he is alert and said not to they have to honor that EVEN though he has a dementia diagnosis and I am medical and DPOA. It was a nightmare. Finally he created an issue that got him baker acted from the ALF and they refused to take him back. That was a turning point to memory care and although I still question if I am the one who is wrong (About his diagnosis) he seems to be doing much better with less freedom. I am getting WAY less calls and he seems to be 'behaving'. I cannot help but wait for the next shoe to drop but until it does I am just happy he is in a safe place where he is being taken care of by qualified people. Now that he has been out of the home I can see how badly his attitude and demands were hurting my family. Sometimes it takes an event for a diagnosis that you didnt see coming. Sometimes its obvious.