Going to Assisted living at 100 years old.

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Atlantacaregive Asked March 4, 2025

Going to Assisted living at 100 years old.

I have taken care of my lady for 8 years. Through 3 hip surgeries, Covid and too many Dr visits and procedures to count. I moved in with her to help get her better when she has needed me. After each hip surgery and during Covid. Her last hip surgery was Nov 2023 and I have lived with her ever since. Her family has plenty of money while paying me what amounts to $5.95 per hour. I work 24/7 with no time off and every time I mention it, he threatens to put her in assisted living. Same thing if I ask for more money. My grandkids don’t even know who I am and my son stopped speaking to me before Christmas because I had to work. I put in my two week notice 2 days ago and he has an appointment with an assisted living place today. Said he is coming to tell her about it tomorrow. I have worked every day since her first hip surgery with no vacations and no pay raise. I am burned out for sure. I’ve told him this numerous times. So instead of paying for more help, off she goes to assisted. She didn’t do so well in rehab this last time. She faked dementia the entire time and for 3 months after we got home. It was hell. So now I feel guilty that she is being moved and I can’t see how doing this is supposed to make my life any easier. I’ll have help I guess but I know I will still have to be there from waking to bedtime or she will make everyone’s life a living hell. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to see this through but her mind is sharp and she could live a few more years and I am already exhausted. Will assisted living be a lot of help? Will I be able to take some time off or will I just add two hours of driving to my already hectic schedule? It’s a nice place he is taking her to, I just don’t know what to expect. She has urinary incontinence and can’t walk by herself but can help transfer. She can feed herself and brush her own teeth with me setting everything up. Just want to know how much help I can expect. Thank you.

Assisted Living Burnout Care Decisions Mental Health

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score 0 · Answer 1

You did a great Job .Go relax and enjoy your Grand Kids .

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score 1 · Answer 2

Go enjoy your grandchildren, and reunite with your son! You don't know how many years you have left, so spend them with your own family!

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score 1 · Answer 3

Time for you to let go. You should never have done the 24/7 live in thing. Your family should come before a Client. So, I can see your son's side of it. I

I would not visit for a while. Client needs to get used to the staff doing for her. You need to give yourself a break. You should explain to her that 24/7 was just too much for you, no time for yourself and family. You need to see and enjoy your grands. Tell her your taking a vacation and will visit her after you return. Do not let her or her son pull you back in. An AL should be able to meet all of her needs. You need to move on to a new job. And don't allow yourself to get this involved with a Client.

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score 2 · Answer 4

You are being held hostage here, my friend. Let your lady go into AL, IF she's accepted, and be her friend by visiting her occasionally. Not by continuing to be her underpaid and overworked care slave. Those days are over as you now need your own life and your own freedom. You've been being taken advantage of by your ladys family members and you know that. Shes 100 now and if her life ends tomorrow, shes had a very very long life. Shelve any "guilt" others are desperately trying to make you feel and go live YOUR life now. Be a visitor and let your lady make her family's life a living hell now. Your work is done here.

Best of luck to you.

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score 3 · Answer 5

She is 100.
You ask if ALF will be good for her. Hon, if she dies tomorrow no one will be surprised, will they? At 100?

I would, were I you, go to a labor lawyer now with all your records and your tax forms and etc regarding your salary all this long time. Now, hopefully this was a salary and you did report it as such. If not that doesn't put you in a good position.

You have done this KNOWINGLY for some time now.
I understand the desperation for a job, but you weren't really paid a living salary and there are labor laws.
That you have willingly and knowingly accepted this for 8 years is going to make your case more difficult, but you HAVE BEEN USED. Let them know you will be speaking with a labor lawyer. Sadly, she may at this point HAVE NO FUNDS, in which case they will likely tell you to go pound sand.

Good luck. I think a change like this will doom this dear lady to an end that is inevitably coming soon in ANY case. I am sorry for at this point I am certain she is family to you.

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score 2 · Answer 6

So, a question; will you be paid for your commute? If not, you need to keep track of your mileage and be sure to write it off your taxes. Check with a good small business CPA, they can help you with other tax deductible items you are entitled to being self employed.

I am going to encourage you to remember this is just a job. Of course you can love her and care for her but, you are being paid to do so. You need to do your best while you are there and then leave it at her door on the way out. She will not get the one on one care you have given her, it isn't reality and it causes lots of people to despise facilities. Unjustly in my opinion, I personally, think that less caregivers would burn out and die if they learned not to jump every time they are called, it is exhausting, unsustainable and creates HIGH unrealistic expectations.

Enjoy your family and freedom. If you can't make it on the new pay, caregivers are in short supply, you shouldn't have a problem finding a new job.

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Yes. I pay taxes. Back in the day, I was paid $20/hr plus $15/day for gas. I was put on salary Nov 2023 while she was still at the hosp from her last hip surgery and I have lived-in ever since. I will get it all straightened out I guess I just needed to know more of what to expect with this move and I guess I found out! I feel kindof like you feel when you go to the movies and you come out and it’s dark. Like “man, I’ve been in there that long?” I am excited not to have such a burden much longer but at the same time, she is kindof like my kid. Unhealthy or whatever y’all call it, I do love her and I can’t stand the thought of her being alone. She is very sweet but she is very spoiled her whole life and it sucks that she will feel abandoned by me right here at the end. Lord help us both. I don’t see any way around feeling guilty. She should have picked a different caregiver I think. I just couldn’t hang.

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score 2 · Answer 7

People make these kinds of decisions all the time for people they are related to or are legally responsible for, you are neither of those things. I do understand that you have become emotionally close to this woman but it really is time to step back and put yourself first, continuing this dynamic is not healthy for you. You can visit if you want that, you can accept pay for keeping a watchful eye and continuing as her advocate, but DO NOT consider being at the family's beck and call or spending hours with her every day, her care is now up to the facility staff and her family.

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score 3 · Answer 8

You have your priorities in the wrong order. You, your kids and grandkids should be getting the best of your attention, not this "friend" for whom you are actually just an underpaid and underappreciated caregiver. Please move on. Move out and go be a grandma before they grow up, which will be soon. You've inserted yourself into this family situation and became THE Solution. Now they're pissed because they have to actually make decisions and put in effort. So what. That's their responsibility, not yours. He sees you are easily emotionally manipulated and he's taking advantage of this. Move on. At 100 yrs old, your lady's qualify of life is going to take a nose-dive in the near future and she should actually probably be assessed for hospice right now. Also, you sound like you think ALs are the pits of hell. They're not. And most likely she may be a candidate of LTC. My MIL was in an excellent faith-based LTC facility for 7 years on Medicaid, in a private room. Please stop horrible-izing this situation. If you really are about her (and not the paid work) then go visit her often in the care facility. Maybe it hurts your feelings to think she might get the same or better care than you've been providing. Also, "She didn�t do so well in rehab this last time. She faked dementia the entire time and for 3 months after we got home." means you didn't know what "hospital delirium" is or maybe even the symptoms of a UTI, so maybe you aren't the best solution for this woman going forward. I'm not trying to shame or insult you, but to get you to see that you are a Rescuer and think you are indispensable and this skewed view of your relationship is causing you to neglect your own family and maybe preventing a viable solution for her. In the end she will eventually pass away and then what? My Aunt just passed away at 105. Can you do 5 more years? Should you? Move on for your own good and maybe her good, as well. May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you end this phase of your life, and hers.

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Just for the record, she confessed to faking dementia, then it stopped. Thank you for explaining this to me. So, I’m out of a job. And here I was thinking we were just being shuffled somewhere together. This is what I needed to know. So that’s it? I feel relief and sadness. I’m so mad at myself for not being more of a trooper but at the same time I am so excited about getting to know my grandkids and to be able to help my daughters. I picture myself happily spending my weekends babysitting. I have taken great care of my lady and I am proud of that. I come on here to complain sometimes, but this is where I leave it. I am, believe it or not, a very caring kind person with a great sense of humor, I am just tired and I have worn myself very thin over the past few years and I know that I have been a good companion and caregiver. I know all about how surgeries and medication can affect a senior as well as being in the hospital. Believe me. I read everything I could find out about it. She had about 50 hours of cognitive testing last year and aced every part of it and gave some very clever answers. She admitted she was faking it and told the speech therapist that she was doing it because she was mad at me for not staying all night with her at rehab. I would be there when she woke up and stayed until I tucked her in at night. She has been fine since that day. So yes, she was definently faking it. Her tounge hanging out of her mouth, barely able to talk, the whole 9 yards. It was a crazy time. She kept me up for 3 months straight yelling for HELP and for her mother. Sometimes 15 times a night. One night she couldn’t tell me why she was yelling for help. She told me 3 different things that was wrong. There was nothing wrong and that’s when we had her take cognitive tests from a speech therapist that came to the house. She told the therapist what and why she was mad at me. It hurts to hear someone say that she would have been better of without me, or would be. I have literally given up my entire life for this job and have tried my best to give her good care. If I am not happy, she would never know it. That being said, I am going to start making plans to start living life, like you said. YIPPEE!

(2)

score 1 · Answer 9

Ouch. Her son wants to keep me on 8 hours a day, back at my starting pay of $20/hr. Which will amount to about the same pay as now but I will get to go home at night. I was put on salary just before I moved in this last time, which hasn’t worked out so well for me. He still wants to keep me as her caregiver. Am I not allowed to be there with her during the day? Yes I turned in my notice and told him the reason was money and no time for my family, so this was his solution. And I’m positive I could use some therapy.

Helpful Answer (1)

The lady is moving to AL. They will live at the facility 24/7. You don't need to do anything anymore.

You gave your 2 weeks notice. Time to ride out into the sunset.

(2)

score 1 · Answer 10

Once this woman is placed in an assisted living facility her care will be the responsibility of the facility not on you. You should by that point be out of the picture completely and getting on with your life.
You've given your 2 weeks notice which means that you are quitting right? So why are you concerned about now having to care for this woman once she is placed, when you are quitting? I'm confused.
And why you chose to give up your life and family for this poor paying job and let this woman's family take advantage of you, is beyond me and makes me think that you perhaps need some really good therapy, which I hope you'll pursue.
So go now and make amends with your family and start enjoying this one life you have to live.

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Yeah, this letter made no sense to me either.

(0)

Going to Assisted living at 100 years old.

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