Follow
Share

Mom had a stroke and has some cognitive impairment but is mostly all there but not sharp like before the stroke. She has some issues with executive functioning and memory loss but not severe. We aren't sure yet if it is permanent. She's seven weeks out from the stroke. This AL facility was only one to allow them to be together. Prior to her stroke she still did a lot, drove, ordered supplies, got groceries, went to library, and helped care for Dad along with having caretakers morning and night and myself helping on weekends and some evenings. Now I have to supervise and help both of them almost all day. She's not bad enough to be in MC and would be depressed in there. He doesn't wander as can barely stand up or walk a little. We didn't want them separated and this AL facility assured us they could take care of both in their AL rooms. But I find myself there all day to assist with one thing or another. I don't know how I can go back to work and leave them alone with just a call button. I hired one of their caretakers to come in several evenings 5-8pm and pay for highest level of care for both of them but we are used to them having that one on one care at home which a facility can't provide. I can hire more helpers to come also in the mornings but most of the time they are just sitting around as the aides at facility do most of the hard work. My three siblings all live on the other side of the country and everyone works and can't fly back and forth to help me out. Feeling overwhelmed. I do companion help, help with their laundry, pay all the bills now, manage their house they left behind, review their medications (sometimes have been wrong). Fetch glasses, toothbrush, clothes from the other room, help put on tv and dvd player etc etc all day. The relief when the caretaker came last night was huge. I can't keep this up every day but I don't see an alternative yet. They just entered the facility a week ago and it's a huge adjustment from their home and I have that emotional stress too from them and also myself. We considered and tried for awhile 24/7 at home but cost is prohibitive and did not trust a caretaker could do all for both alone without me being there all day and night too. Cost is an issue as they do not have huge savings and can last about two years in AL before we have to sell the house. It all happened so fast. Before Thanksgiving it was hard with just my Dad's care but do-able. Now with Mom not firing on all cylinders and needing recovery it is way harder and I wonder why I thought it was hard when it was just my Dad. They are 91 and 95 1/2.

Assisted living does not mean one to one care . They need to adjust to that , it is what it is . That is why there is a call button . There really is no other way unless you keep hiring one to one staff to come in .

Also why hang on to the house ? Once your parents adjust , Sell it , tell your parents the house is a burden on you . Let the facilty do the laundry . Don’t let your parents run you ragged . They expect things to be as they were at home . You can’t keep providing that level of assistance .

And let your parents fetch their own glasses , toothbrush etc . If they can not do these simple things on their own either by using a walker or self propelling in a wheelchair then they do not belong in assisted living . They would need a higher level of care .

I suggest you back off , go back to your job , and let them adjust to the new reality . If a one on one is too expensive , they need to adjust to that . They are used to being waited on when perhaps they really need to do some simple things themselves . You should not be fetching things . They also need to use the call button and rely on staff .

Also have the facility encourage them to go to activities outside their room ,
Helpful Answer (25)
Reply to waytomisery
Report

Did it ever occur to you that all the stress your 91 year old Mother was under "taking care of everything" was what could have caused her stroke?
People don't recover that easy (if at all) after a stroke. At 8 weeks, she's as good as she is going to get. Her days of running the show are over.

You said yourself before Thanksgiving it was hard enough taking care of 95 year old Dad. How do you think you Mom managed all the stress she had doing it at 91?

Now you have them in an AL facility, yet are still with them full time, every day. Now your stress has doubled...time to cut it way back, or you could be next. Who will run over and take care of you (and every detail, every day) when you approach your 90s?

Both parents now need a higher level of care. Stop fighting that reality. Get them what they need, not what they want. Then pull back and let them get what they are paying for. Stop hovering over them, fetching all day. Let them adjust, or they never will.
Good luck in this difficult situation.
Helpful Answer (25)
Reply to Dawn88
Report
Bulldog54321 Jan 18, 2025
Exactly.
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
I would speak with the administration at the facility where Mom and Dad are.
If you are being required daily then they really are not in the right placement category.
The facility knows your mom and dad and knows what is available to them and to you for their care.
I would discuss all this by making an appointment with the admin.

If you are POA and I am assuming you are, I think it is wise now to take over bill paying and other executive functioning. Bills should come to you, and you will be keeping records, handling all banking, supplying Mom and Dad with a small spending account. This is safest for them. This will take about 1/2 year to get up and running smoothly as each entity, bank and so on, will have a different set of hoops for you to jump through. Meanwhile you cannot allow them in a facility where all meals are not already provided. There will be little shopping and etc.

This is a big adjustment. Expect it to take a solid year for you and for them.
I wish you the very best.
Helpful Answer (21)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
KatyAdams Jan 19, 2025
Good ideas here. But even if the placement category doesn't offer enough care and attention, the Assisted Living where my parents were was happy to refer to other caregivers from agencies who would get $20 or so per hour (more now, I'm sure) to be there one-on-one. It seems that the letter-writer's parents could use at least companion care throughout the day, after the facility aides help them dress/shower/get ready for the day, and then before they get ready for bed.
(0)
Report
They need Memory Care which provides a higher level of care with more aides per resident than AL. Stroke patients usually have more strokes and/or TIAs, worsening the Dementia, not improving it, as my mother did. When she could no longer function properly in AL, I segued her into MC where her world was shrunken down and a lot easier for her to manage. It's not about "want" but about "need".

I still had 100 things to do for her, including all bill paying and making sure her meds were approved by me, talking with doctors, bringing over endless supplies, clothes, toiletries snacks etc. I ordered what I could on Amazon to be shipped, like Depends, and drove the rest over. Laundry in AL and MC should be done by staff, not family. If it's not done perfectly, oh well, that's something to overlook.

I had both parents to manage in IL and AL for 4 years before dad died of a brain tumor. It's not easy no matter where they live, just easiER in managed care than in our homes. It's still a huge amount of work though, I know.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.
Helpful Answer (20)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report
ConstanceS Jan 15, 2025
I think you get it! Yes it is not like some people said "they have to get used to it and not expect more". Sorry it's not that they are 'spoiled'. Mom has cognitive issues since the stroke. She can't always remember how to even use the call button. The aides don't check on them every two hours as was promised to me when we discussed 5-6 times with the director whether it was the right move for them. We were promised yet it was. It's not her fault she can't think of how to use the call button and can't get her own water or find her glasses or manage things now. 8 weeks ago she was driving, managing herself the caretakers, the garden guy, the meds, the grocery shopping. It's all changed so suddenly. Dad has no clue. He's like a big baby. He would be in MC if alone. This was only way they could be in an apartment together. It's a big decision to sell their home and can't make it after only a week of moving them into AL. Yes probably have to do and maybe I will even buy it myself. I think the additional aides part-time is the way to go. I might just work part-time to start off. Mom is sharp enough to not belong in MC, at least not yet.
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
Sell the house now. Why wait? They're never going back there, and the money from the house can be used for the higher level of care that they need. A good realtor can help you with all the details so that you don't have to agonize over every little thing. A contractors' clean-out can help you send piles of their stuff to the dump, the thrift shop, or wherever. There is no need for you to be heavily involved in that very emotional task.

If you weren't there, mom and dad would most likely do for themselves or find someone else to do it for them. You're setting yourself up for a routine of slavery to demands that can only get more and more impossible to meet. And this is NOT worth losing your job! Don't quit. Stop jumping when your parents shout "frog!"

I wish you the best of luck in unsticking yourself from a sticky situation, which will only stay that way if you let it.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
KatyAdams Jan 19, 2025
I was coming to say this - start getting the house ready to sell now, and arrange to get help with that from siblings. There will probably be a lot of cleaning/sorting, giving things away, selling. Use a service designed for helping older adults do just this -downsize and move - to save yourself time and energy.
(7)
Report
See 1 more reply
I think the key is where you wrote: “we are used to them having that one on one care at home which a facility can't provide.” We — or they?

I know one case of a 90-something person in AL who refused MC even though she needs or expects the kind of all-day assistance you mention with fetching items, turning on TV, etc. She now has a full-time caregiver who lives with her in the AL. Yes, I’m sure it’s very expensive.

I urge you to find a solution that does NOT involve you staying with them all day, every day in their AL. The longer you do that, the more I worry they will come to think of it as normal and necessary. Don’t sacrifice all your waking hours.

Either aides + AL or MC seem to be their options. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to Suzy23
Report
KatyAdams Jan 19, 2025
Unfortunately, Memory Care still might not be appropriate if one or both of the parents are essentially bedridden or helpless in their wheelchair. The MC way will be to either leave them in their room till they call out or ring for help, or to wheel them to a circle of other residents near the nurses' station so they can be watched. Activities will take place that they'll be wheeled to, also. So MC tends to just take people where the staff think they will be safest and AL tends to let people choose whether or not to go to activities. This is a generalization, but seems like it's true in my experiences. If seeking MC, I'd advise a smaller facility where it's easier to keep track of everyone and there is less space (i.e. long hallways) separating rooms from where staff hang out.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
They very clearly require more care than the AL can provide. Unfortunately you and your siblings made a mistake by placing them there.

Start looking for good nursing homes for them. And hire more help in the meantime.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Bulldog54321
Report

Hi Constance,
There are so many off the cuff assumptions being made here about what's going on, and what to do about it.
For heaven's sake, your parents *just* moved into assisted living. Moving is incredibly stressful regardless of the circumstances. Everyone needs to expect things will be a bit chaotic while going through the normal adjustment period of getting things get unpacked and settled in the new place. This includes the staff getting to know your parents and adapting to the routine that they need.
Give it a week or so of being quasi available onsite and see if things improve before jumping to any conclusions about the facility, the appropriate level of care, and your mother's recovery from the stroke.
My husband has had 2 strokes. He is now 5 years from the last one - and he is still improving, but S-L-O-W-L-Y. The fastest post stroke recovery occurs during the first six months after the stroke with ongoing physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. Medicare pays for this - make sure your mother's MD orders this. So don't assume she's already reached a recovery plateau, don't assume that her cognition won't improve, don't assume that parents need to move into MC or Skilled Nursing. Don't quit your job. Don't assume there will be more strokes or TIA's. There are new prescription medications available now that are miraculous preventing more strokes (Xarelto, Eliquis, etc). Ask your mother's MD about these.

Reassess things over the next month - give yourself some time to decompress and don't make any big decisions immediately.

I have a feeling that things aren't as dire as you fear! Maybe things are working out great but you can't see that yet.
If things aren't vastly improved within a few weeks, then you can move into Plan B.

Best wishes. Remain calm and carry on.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to LostinPlace
Report

Just sell the house now. Why in the world are you keeping it? They are never going back there.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to LakeErie
Report

Seems your parents need to learn to ask for help from the aides at ALF. Every time they ask for non-urgent help, tell them to call the aide. For every issue you must deal with, make a note to deal with those on specific days/evenings of the week. The idea of having them in ALF is to take tasks off of you and allow you more time for your career and your personal life.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Taarna
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter