There isn't more to say. She may ask why you can no longer live together and just be honest that she now needs more care than you can provide. That you will visit her as frequently as possible. That you love her.
This falls, unfortunately, as those of us who are old understand under the heading of "not everything can be fixed." Aging comes with a whole lot of loss and unhappiness. I am so sorry for the grief you're both suffering. And "I am sorry" is sometimes, inadequate as it is, the only thing to be said.
You blame it on the facility, which is the truth. "No one is allowed to stay overnight." Then say what Lealonnie1 suggested and go home. Reason and logic will not work and she won't remember the discussion, so the only strategy is to leave her while in as calm a state as possible. That's as much as you can do.
I think it matters less what words you SAY. It will be more about HOW you say it, what your body language & face tell/show her.
I see people leaving their loved ones all the time, in waiting rooms, hospitals, care homes.
Such a variety of people! From the hesitant, nervous folk - delaying their exit, overtalking with worry..
To the detatched, no-nonsense folk - See you tomorrow then. Bye. Turn. Leave. Gone.
To all the folk inbetween.
"Fake it until you make it" is my 2c.
Act confident - in body, face & speech.
Give a good hug or squeeze of the hand, a firm nod, a kiss, whatever is your practice. See you tomorrow. Go.
PS It is hard. It takes much bravery. It may feel fake, to hide your grief, fear or saddness at leaving her. But it is also a great kindness. To maybe save her from picking up on those emotions.
Ah been there done that with my mom and then my shi**y dad. I said pretty much the same to them in different times/places. Of Course! I'll be back in a few I just need to check on some things at my place. I love you. Kiss. Goodnight
Perhaps there is a reason you can give that has less to do with her being in Memory Care and more to do with you needing to be home. If you have a pet for instance or maybe if you told her it would cost money for you to stay or that it would cost double per month because you need to be a resident to stay for insurance purposes…something you suspect she will agree makes it more important you sleep at home.
Does she loves pets? In the past, did she treat them like her 'babies'? If so, buy her a Joy For All Golden Companion Dog. They are so respondent and besides barking and heartbeat, it actually makes sounds like she says I Don't Know, and I Love You. Get Model A9108. It's more life like. My wife is mid-late stage Dementia and she carries her everywhere and cuddles with her every nite. You can buy new on Amazon buy can also get used ones for less than $100. Well worth the cost. Uses 4 C batteries. Can turn on and off. Best to you my friend!
My Mother who has dementia has a robotic cat. It has been very helpful to her especially since she had to give up her cat when she moved to Memory Care. Its very realistic!
If she is in memory care, she likely will forget what you tell her. Trying to tell her something that is logical "I am not allowed to" won't mean much to her, if anything. She may not understand.
If I were you, I would tell her "tomorrow I will. I'll go home and get my pillow (or something).
Giving her this 'in present time' HOPE is not much although for her, it may mean a lot. So much depends on her cognitive functioning / comprehension.
At the very least, smile and say "yes" or shake your head.
This must also be very hard on you emotionally.
Tell us about you.
How old are you? Do you now live alone? How often do you visit? How is your health? Tell us how you are feeling. How long as she been in memory care? If you are living alone, what do you do with your time? Do you have hobbies? Friends?
Try a large full length pillow for her to hold. I believe they can be very comforting. They might be called body pillows.
Also, see if you can find some volunteers to spend time with her during the days, in addition, to the activities that the facility offers. You might be able to find a college student studying geriatrics / social work / nursing.
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She may ask why you can no longer live together and just be honest that she now needs more care than you can provide. That you will visit her as frequently as possible. That you love her.
This falls, unfortunately, as those of us who are old understand under the heading of "not everything can be fixed." Aging comes with a whole lot of loss and unhappiness. I am so sorry for the grief you're both suffering. And "I am sorry" is sometimes, inadequate as it is, the only thing to be said.
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I see people leaving their loved ones all the time, in waiting rooms, hospitals, care homes.
Such a variety of people! From the hesitant, nervous folk - delaying their exit, overtalking with worry..
To the detatched, no-nonsense folk - See you tomorrow then. Bye.
Turn. Leave. Gone.
To all the folk inbetween.
"Fake it until you make it" is my 2c.
Act confident - in body, face & speech.
Give a good hug or squeeze of the hand, a firm nod, a kiss, whatever is your practice.
See you tomorrow.
Go.
PS It is hard. It takes much bravery.
It may feel fake, to hide your grief, fear or saddness at leaving her. But it is also a great kindness. To maybe save her from picking up on those emotions.
Trying to tell her something that is logical "I am not allowed to" won't mean much to her, if anything. She may not understand.
If I were you, I would tell her "tomorrow I will. I'll go home and get my pillow (or something).
Giving her this 'in present time' HOPE is not much although for her, it may mean a lot. So much depends on her cognitive functioning / comprehension.
At the very least, smile and say "yes" or shake your head.
This must also be very hard on you emotionally.
Tell us about you.
How old are you?
Do you now live alone?
How often do you visit?
How is your health?
Tell us how you are feeling.
How long as she been in memory care?
If you are living alone, what do you do with your time?
Do you have hobbies?
Friends?
Try a large full length pillow for her to hold.
I believe they can be very comforting. They might be called body pillows.
Also, see if you can find some volunteers to spend time with her during the days, in addition, to the activities that the facility offers. You might be able to find a college student studying geriatrics / social work / nursing.
Gena / Touch Matters
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