Hi all
for those following my story, you know the story with my narcissist ( not just throwing around the word, he truly fits ) dad with dementia and anger on top ....
I'm trying all I can with boundary setting etc. not going well. Today I gave the ultimatum discussion, as mentioned by Alva. I calmly told him that , if he does not shape up and stop fighting and tangling with me, plus all of the assisted living staff, then next step will be that I drop off, change my number , drop POA, and he will get assigned a state appointed guardian. I asked him multiple times "do you understand what I'm saying? ". I think it took a few times and then he got the general message.
Now, I give it 2 months. If this nonsense continues at that point, I'm moving to the drop POA stage....... one thing I stipulated and he agreed to doing - to see a geriatric psychiatrist. Whether he complies with their recommendations we will see
thanks all for the advice over the months. its been helpful.
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This may come down to having to do what is best for your own sanity.
The truth is that you are managing Dad pretty well as is. But I don't know what sort of toll that's taking on you.
Good luck.
so I felt I just had set set a countdown/ timeline , and let him know that .
and also that he just has to go to see a geriatric psychiatrist. No choice in the matter (well if he doesn’t agree, then I stop visiting completely until he agrees….)
My mother with dementia would never agree to anything to help her mood as she felt the victim and had every right to be unhappy and angry over being placed . She just had to be miserable on her own terms until she finally accepted her situation to a degree . She finally came to terms with her decline being the reason she was in AL about 3 months before she died when she was aware she was struggling more with mobility .
My DH used to tell me “ Your mother doesn’t want to be happy”. He was right , my mother would rather complain about her “ rotten kids “ and seek sympathy .
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You cannot REASON with someone with dementia. You cannot convince someone with a broken brain to see things in a different way.
Acceptance of that fact is the only way you will have peace.
That, and getting up and leaving when he becomes nasty, argumentative or agitated.
No audience, no show.
I am sure that you feel like a broken record at times, having to repeat things over several times.
Well, since you say that your dad finally heard you, and you have given him a deadline, sounds like you have a good plan!
I hope that he will follow through with all that he agreed to.
Wishing you all the best.
I hope dad improves his rotten attitude some with help from the psychiatrist. That's the goal here.....to get him the help he needs and have him step out of his OWN WAY.
Cheering you on from Denver! 😊
Your countdown is sort of blowing what was.. UNinfesting your brain.. more like Letting Go.
Actually, just by starting the clock, maybe you feel lighter already?
Whether you drop the POA in 60 days or not, it is a powerful feeling to know you CAN, at any future time, do just that.
If this actually happens I would resign POA before dad is moved out of the AL and wash your hands of dad and the whole thing entirely. Tell this meddler that they will need to be responsible for dads care 100% and will be liable if dad is living in an unsafe environment for elder abuse and neglect, etc.
I don't have an answer to your question though.
Accepting this is all you can really do. Dad wants to decide. Ok.
Detach yourself from his decisions.
If Dad appears to be struggling, remind him his Doctor/Specialist said some medication may help.
Merely suggest he talk to someone.
He can decide. Decline, stay the same (aggitated & rigid) or he can decide to change his mind. To TRY talk therapy or medications.
Suggest.
He decides.
His consequences.