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verystressedout Asked August 2022

Do you think the helping adult child should get more inheritance?

This topic is obviously very personal: everyone will have their own opinion. I have many friends who helped their elderly parents alone for years, while their siblings did nothing. My opinion is that the helping adult child should inherit more, so they’re not financially ruined after spending so much time, energy & stress, helping.

RBIndiana Aug 2022
Every time I open this this website, I get angry….so much of all of this if not all of the questions could have been avoided if the elderly parents would have made plans for their care yrs earlier, not waiting til they can no longer manage their home or health issues. We have my 95 yr old father in law living with us and don’t like it one bit!, there I said it… my husbands brother in NY does nothing to help, not even a phone call to his dad or a birthday card to show he cares….our social life is nil, he sits in our living room 12 hrs a day, can’t have personal conversations and am always on call to make sure 3 meals a day are provided… it has caused us to start making our plans for when we can’t care for ourselves ahead of time and none of are children are included in our care, it’s assisted living for us and no pressure on our daughters to suffer like we have.
bundleofjoy Aug 2022
i totally understand you. hug!
Octogenarian Aug 2022
My husband and two siblings were equal inheritors, but because their sister was the one with whom their mother lived for her last years, the two brothers agreed to give her a larger share. Nice way to do it, all around.

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Sendhelp Aug 2022
Ages ago...
My father relied on me to take him places after his lung cancer surgery.
He earned one last check, and split it 3 ways for us siblings, leaving one check for himself.
I was a bit resentful that siblings received a "gift" from Dad and my "gift" covered my own expenses taking care of Dad.

On the night of Dad's death, my brother appeared as we got home to tell me he had died in the ER. He said to give him the outstanding check in Dad's name, and he would cash it.

Brother not only stole the check for himself, my husband and I had to pay the funeral expenses. The amounts are not important.

Before arriving home, my husband and I were at that same hospital with his sister, who had made a suicide attempt. Not knowing my Dad was about to die in the ER.

Today, it is as it always has been. I cannot be in the presence of "family" without it costing me somehow. Estranged and careful.

There was no other "inheritance" except Dad's legacy to my two siblings: The Con. The scam. The lies.
I did not receive those genes, being the middle child and scapegoat, confirmed by my psychiatrist at the time.
I have gone NO Contact with siblings.
bundleofjoy Aug 2022
hug!!!

awful.

as for:
“I have gone NO Contact with siblings.”

totally understand you. hug!

i’ve done the same. but every now and then, i must communicate with them. for example today. and as a consequence i had an awful day: they behaved terribly.

i send hugs to all of us, unfairly treated in one way or other.

protect your life.
and take some luck with you too:

here:
i’m depositing some luck right here:

🍀🍀🍀🙂🙂🙂
Surviving Aug 2022
As my Mom’s primary caregiver for the past 2.5 years with two sisters who do the bare minimum, in other words nothing, I have a strong opinion on this topic! I have read through all the responses and I have to say unless you’ve been in the trenches doing what caregivers do, you really don’t get to have an opinion. This may sound harsh to some but let’s face it, it is only fair that if one sibling does everything then he or she should get the inheritance. If the others want theirs then They should be around for it. Most times it is one doing everything although I’ve read a few lucky people on here have decent human beings as siblings that split the care. Not in my case! They don’t even pick Mom up and take her to dinner or visit. So am I to feel guilty that I think her money should go to me? No way! Bottom line there will be no money left for them to get cause as I see it her money is there for her care. So as I told the eldest sib, if you don’t want to help then I’ll pay someone to help and there goes any inheritance! No bones about it! I want to go to dinner with my husband I need a break I have a lunch date etc you get the picture! I encourage anyone who is the sole caregiver to do the same! Spend their money on their care! There will be no questions or issues when Mom passes. It’s gone to her care if you would have helped there would be money left for you but…and this goes without saying but why would I want to bother with either of you? I’ve seen how you treated a family member in need. Have a nice life!
bundleofjoy Aug 2022
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Isthisrealyreal Aug 2022
Yes, the helping child should receive something for all that they do.

I believe an inheritance is a gift and not an entitlement. So putting the compensation for the care as part of the inheritance makes it an entitlement and that isn't the best plan. Being paid to provide services, as they are needed, keeps inheritance as a gift and usually stops parents from taking advantage of their caring off-spring.

I, also, believe that parents SHOULD NOT place or expect the burden of care to be on any of their adult children. They SHOULD pay for the help they need and make plans for their 24/7 care, if it comes to that.
verystressedout Aug 2022
I see what you mean about the differences between gift, entitlement, compensation…
XenaJada Aug 2022
True story-
i knew a family that was 2 daughters and 2 sons. When the parents got old w dementia and other issues the daughters practically worked themselves to a nub taking care of the parents, taking turns staying with them round the clock, taking to dr appts, cooking, bathing, changing adult diapers, getting up and down all night etc., spending MUCH time away from their own families. This went on for YEARS.

The sons visited occasionally, but were busy w their own families, couldn’t be bothered. The elderly mother died first.

The contents of the will were unknown and all the property was in the father’s name. He died about a year after the mother.

This family owned 2 large farms worth $hundreds of thousands of dollars which each parent had inherited from their own parents. When the will was read, the SONS each received one farm, with the unenforceable understanding that they would farm it. They also received a lot if money. Each Daughter received $10,000!

Each son immediately sold their inherited farm and gave not one dime to the daughters who had done all of the work!
verystressedout Aug 2022
Crazyyyyyy - selfishhhhhh sons.
DadsGurl Aug 2022
My parents made it clear my sibling & I were to pay their bills then split whatever was left half and half. We did that when Dad finally passed last year. I was responsible for more than 3 years for my folks medical care and spending time with them. Our folks were in their home, then assisted living, memory care, then I pulled Dad out to have 24 hour care in an apartment near me. I did so b/c I could quit my job and be available. I’m glad I did, too, yet it really changed me. It’s very easy to lose yourself while trying to manage everything for another. I took calls at anytime day & night as my dad became more and more confused. I was scared, tired, overwhelmed and yet glad I was there- esp. for my dad. We had many very special times together too! My brother can’t understand how difficult it was. I’d tell him things and he’d laugh and say, “Wow, sounds like a real sh&* show!” Alzheimers and cancer wreak absolute havoc on our loved ones, our relationships and test our patience and compassion in innumerable ways. I spent lots of time and money trying to make my parents lives better as they battled their various ailments. Thankfully I could afford it, but many can not. I do believe the member providing most the care should receive more than members not involved so closely. It is but a small compensation for a most generous, yet difficult role that person has fulfilled. God bless those of you who provide that extra care- regardless if you’re financially compensated for it. As tough as it can be and usually is, it’s also an honor & a privilege to see a parent through to the end of their journey❤️

CaregiverL Aug 2022
caregiver adult child should get everything
bundleofjoy Aug 2022
i have to say: i often feel exactly as you say. i feel that person should receive 100%.
Heart2Heart Aug 2022
I have cared for my 94 year old mother for the past 18 years... Plus, how much is my health that has been in jeopardy... worth?

God Bless all caregivers who gave and sacrificed beyond earthly meanings...

Tothill Aug 2022
I believe the parent should pay room and board and more for care while they are alive. Not wait until death, when most the funds may be used up.
Frebrowser Aug 2022
I agree. It is much cleaner to compensate the caregiver in real time. It may also make it easier to accept that there is no benefit to refusing to delegate tasks to paid providers or to substitute convenience products for those that require more labor.

Putting it off and calling it an inheritance leaves so much room for something to go wrong:

The care recipient promises and intends to leave an extra inheritance but fails to follow through, assuming there is plenty of time, and then it is too late.

The presumed inheritance is all gone because of end of life expenses when care became too much for one caregiver to handle (e.g., Medicaid spend down).

If extra inheritance makes it to the caregiver as an inheritance, the other assumed heirs resent it and it builds into a schism.

The caregiver child has to deal with their grief, the loss of their routine, and the resentment of the other assumed heirs all at the same time.

I also believe it is best to distribute photographs and other heirlooms as much as is practical before death, so the recipients can have a chance to get the stories that go with the items.
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