Hi all. My mom is currently in rehab after a fall. She has Dementia. My dad was her primary caretaker, and she was living at home up until now. A little background, he doesn’t believe in psychology/psychiatry. So, anything I try to tell him that is known, researched information, he will dismiss because he doesn’t believe it, or he thinks he knows better. He hasn’t read any of the resources me or the doctors have been sending him. Don’t get me wrong, he’s doing his best and has done great physically taking care of her, but not mentally. He would yell and argue with her about her delusions or if she wasn’t following his instructions. It was very frustrating to me to watch and would break my heart. He doesn’t care what he says about her or what he talks about in front of her and would say whatever about her behaviors or disease with her right there, even from the beginning when she was first diagnosed several years ago and was even more aware. I would tell him not to say certain things in front of her, as recommended by literally every article and publication, and he would dismiss it and say “it doesn’t matter” because she has dementia.
Now she is in a rehab facility after the fall. I know this is a pivotal time for dementia patients, or geriatric patients in general. She was doing great as of a week ago (the fall was a month ago), in good spirits, playful, able to stand and walk, getting physically better. Now she won’t even bother with anything and is very depressed.
So, my dad doesn’t let her do anything on her own, even though she can feed herself, etc. because he gets frustrated with her. She would slowly cut her food and he would just grab the utensils from her and cut it all up for her and then say she can’t do it herself. She can, it just takes time, he just has no patience. She is a slow eater, always has been. Last week, my dad was getting frustrated trying to feed her/force feed her and loudly said to me “she is going to die, just like my mom!”. And from then on, she just talks about how she is going to die and doesn’t bother with anything. She just cries a lot saying she’s going to die. No more playfulness. No more anything. She’s never said anything about death or dying before. Before it was always “when I get better” scenarios. I brought some nail polish in to paint my mom’s nails and he was like “why are you bringing that? Don’t even bother. It doesn’t make a difference”. I believe these little things that make her happy like nail polish or scented lotion are so important to her quality of life. He doesn’t think she can enjoy or get joy from anything anymore and it’s having a negative effect on my mom.
I love my dad, both my parents, we are a small family here. All his family is overseas, and my mom was an orphan, so it’s only us and we are pretty close. It’s just this part of his personality that frustrates the heck out of me and that I can’t do anything about (to change him) and is really affecting my mom. I know she will never “recover” from her dementia and things are only a matter of time, but she is literally suffering now for no good reason. Like, she takes her crushed medicine in pudding or applesauce. She will have it all, again, it just takes time. I had to leave the other day because he was pressing the spoon to her mouth before she swallowed the last bit and then physically forced her mouth open to give her the rest of the medicine. It’s not even prescription meds, it’s just a vitamin and laxative.
I am having a private geriatric psych come out to see her when he isn’t there visiting. Otherwise, he just hijacks everything and won’t let my mom speak for herself at all. I’m hoping they can help with her depression and just help her in general. What can I do to help bring my mom’s spirits back? It’s killing me seeing her like this. How can I best counteract my dad’s negativity? I have zero say or control of anything, so I’m limited to anything big I can do, but I just want to help her.
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Because at present, and as you describe it, Dad is being abusive to a woman who cannot defend herself, and this needs to be made clear to Social Workers. You may need to find specific incidents to tell that Social Worker, but the word ABUSE needs to be used so they cannot negate what you are saying.
There may need to be placement out of the clutches of Dad and this would mean a guardianship fight, so this all needs to be CLEARLY DOCUMENTED and discussed with Mom's advocates, her doctors and her social workers.
Do know that any fight for guardianship if you don't already have POA or some such would/could be costly and you could well loose unless there are specific incidents, dates, times, your Mom's reaction, what got said and etc in a diary. No tear out pages--use a composition book and cross through mistakes so they can still be read, if changed.
This is serious and I am dreadfully sorry about it. At the very LEAST someone in some power needs to sit with Dad and let him know this isn't OK.
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Your Dad is all fired up because the love of his life is slowly disappearing. And the only thing he knows what to do is to be very upset, and try to force your Mom to do things she just can't do anymore. If she would cut her meat quicker, in his mind that would give him a glimmer of hope.
Not everyone can be a caregiver. I know for myself I am no Florence Nightingale, Dr. Joyce Brothers, or Hazel. Your Dad isn't, either.
Your Dad isn't going to change. It is a tough situation. Do you separate your parents from each other? Can Dad budget for Mom to live in Memory Care? At least in Memory Care, which is usually connected to Assisted Living and Independent Living, your Mom can develop new friends and be away from all that anger. Or bring in a caregiver to help out during the day, to give your Dad a break.
If the rehab is connected to LTC, this is the time to place Mom. Dad cannot and should not be caring for her. He is unwilling to except Moms limitations and its only going to get worse. An elder lawyer can help Dad with splitting of assets. Moms split going for her care and when almost gone, apply for Medicaid. Then Dad becomes a Community Spouse, stays in the home and gets enough of their monthly income to live on. Thats just the basics, an Elder Lawyer can go into more detail.
Ur Dad should not be giving her any Meds in the Rehab even if just a laxative or vitamin. These should only be administered by a LPN or Nurse or Medtech. I would talk to the DON or head Nurse to find out why Dad was allowed to give it to her. I would then explain what you said here and request that only staff give her meds telling Dad that's it is State Law. If he brought these meds into the Rehab, this is a no, no. All meds, even OTC, have to be recorded for the State.
It would be a win win for all involved including you.
She is like a child at this point and what he is doing is cruel and wrong.
Would you stand by while your dad force fed a child or said hateful things to a child? (And yes I know many people do but I am giving the OP the benefit of the doubt that she is not that kind of person).
Mom needs to be placed in a care home and away from dad at this point. Unfortunately you are the one who has to step up and protect your mom and see that this happens. And if dad continues to abuse mom when he visits her then he will have to be banned from seeing her.
I am very sorry your dad is behaving this way.
I see from your profile that your mom is 77 years old and you mention she has been ill for several years now. I assume your father is a similar age or older. I think he has reached his limit of being able to be her primary caregiver and something else needs to be figured out.
Such a horribly cruel disease, I’m so sorry!
I would suggest you talk to an Elder Care Lawyer and see if you can obtain Guardianship. Yes that will put a strain on your relationship with your dad and will be one of the most difficult things you do.
Another option to try is discuss with the Social Worker at the rehab facility where mom is the next steps. PLEASE include your dad in this conversation. Bring up the difficulties that caring for someone with dementia. If your dad is true to his personality if he down plays the dementia you might be able to convince the Social Worker that discharging her to home would be unsafe.
If that does not work try to convince dad that he needs to hire a caregiver or place mom in Memory Care for her own safety.