I'm going home to the country my Mother lives in for 2 weeks. I have Bipolar Disorder type 2. I'm very worried we will argue. Any suggestions?

My first tip to you would be not to visit. If you already argue on the phone, why go to another country to be abused in person?
If you still want to visit in person, stay in a hotel. You can't control someone else's behavior.
You're adult. You can control how you respond and react to her. Also, you can tell mom to keep her insults to herself or she can learn how to survive without your financial support. That's right. Tell her plainly. If there is so much as one insult, one snide comment, one attempt at instigating a fight you will completely cut her off financially. I'm sure at 90 she will be too pleased by a reduced quality of life because you cut her money off.

Dont involve yourself with abusive people. Why would you even want to visit? Stop sending her money too. If she abused you as a child and insults you over the phkne let her rot.

Please do not go there! If you are not stablized on your medication then forget it! Now, if you and your mother have always argued with each other then, please do not go. Why go if you are already dreading it? Makes no sense at all. Find something else to do with your time.

As others have said, don’t go! If you need an excuse, you have one. You’re bipolar. Your health could be seriously affected for the worse. Take care of yourself, and you owe nothing to your abusive mother. If a dog attacked you in the past, would you freely dance into its cage and expect it not to bite you? No, you’d stay out of the cage. Use the money you’d have spent on the trip to do something nice for yourself. Buy yourself a pretty piece of jewelry or take a motor coach tour all by yourself. Consider it a gift from mum. Cheers!

My suggestion is to cancel your trip. Of course you're going to 'argue', it's a given. Your mother is dismissing your medical diagnosis and calling you a 'lazy bit*h' and you're okay with that? That's not a mother, that's a person to avoid at all costs, and to stop sending money to. What amazes me is that you still want a relationship with this person at ALL, just b/c she gave birth to you. A mother is a person who loves and nurtures you, who's concerned about your wellbeing and your life, who tries to help you and who wants to see you have a good life. Your mother sounds like she wants the opposite for you.

I once saw a psychiatrist to help me sort out why I had such a stressful relationship with my own mother. After a few sessions, he said something profound. He said, "Accept the fact that you will never be friends with your mother." That was my epiphany and I stopped seeing him from there on in. I had gotten the help I needed.

When are you going to have YOUR epiphany?

Your mother is not acting like a mother but like a person you need to avoid for your own mental health reasons.

My suggestion is to cancel your trip, stop sending her money, and call her once in great while to see how she's doing. And when the talk gets ugly, hang up the phone and stop calling altogether.

A relationship is a two way street; not one where you do all the giving and the other party does all the taking.

However you decide to handle this upcoming trip, I wish you good luck and Godspeed. I sincerely hope you decide to take care of YOURSELF from now on b/c you deserve to do precisely that.

Please explain why you feel the need to visit and to financially support someone who is so terrible to you.

I literally JUST registered on this forum and while looking for my post, saw this.

No, no, no, no, no! Someone who calls you a b*tch and diminishes your illness to just being “lazy” is literally poison.

She doesn’t deserve a visit. You don’t deserve to be stressing about this even before you get there. As someone else said, get a doctor’s note. Tell her your flight was cancelled. Or just say you can’t make it. Don’t do this to yourself.

I can understand that you might want to see your mother again, even if you know well you don’t get on. Your profile says that she is ‘living at home with age-related decline, arthritis and mobility problems’. That suggests that all you know is that she is basically OK, and I’m not surprised that you feel you should check. If you grew up there, you may also have other friends and relations to catch up with.

Try to organise things as well as possible. Don’t stay with mother. Around the clock is too much, too likely to rub on each other. If you expect to talk with her about future care, that’s even more likely to cause ructions. Plan other things to do in the middle of your two weeks, in case it’s clear that you can’t just sit and look at each other. Plan nice things to do with her, as well.

Good luck!

You can't really ask how you can walk into a fire and not get burned. At some point common sense says you have to stay away from fire.

My first thought and words to pop out of my mouth are WHY would you do this.
If you can stay near by with friends or even if you have to stay at a hotel, motel, B&B whatever...a tent in the back yard or rather than rent a car rent a van or camper.
If you have to...
If you can't make any other arrangements
If you have to stay with your mom then...
I am guessing you see a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or some other professional. Talk to them about this up coming trip. Ask about methods that you can use to defuse a situation that you can not get away from.
I hope that at any time the situation gets to the point where it come to an argument that you can just up and leave the room or the house. Inform mom that you will do this if she starts in on you. Then follow through.
Don't take the bait she tosses out.
I think I would also plan for this to be a "visit" not a "holiday" and if things do not go well the first day or so readjust your plans and find another spot that you would like to visit and continue your travels.

WHY are you doing this?! What do you think will happen?

You know how this is going to end up. Stop thinking it'll change. She will pick fights and you WILL argue. She will yell at you while you sit there and say very little... just like when you were a kid. You aren't a kid anymore and you do not have to take her crap. 

And for God's sake, why are you giving her your money? She doesn't appreciate any of it. Tell her if you're such a lazy b*tch, then SHE needs to be the one going to work and earning a living for herself. No matter her age. Tell her you're just "too lazy" to help her anymore.

If you are hoping she'll say she loves you, or apologize for being so mean to you, or thank you for giving her money, it's not going to happen. If she can't treat you nicely, then you don't need to visit. Sounds like she has not gotten any easier to deal with in her old age. 

For real. Stop and think why you are doing this to yourself. The "but it's your mother!" means nothing when she was not a mother to you.

Dee, what do you want to accomplish by visiting your Mom? Do you feel obligated to do it because she is your mother and getting up there in age. They don't get better.

As asked, I hope you are staying in a motel and why 2 weeks? My MIL was not a favorite person of mine. I think moving 900 miles ended up being a good thing but I found that visiting her for 1 week was enough.

For Grandmom. Your brother is very lucky. I have 2 cousins who suffer with BiPolar. They both say the meds they were given made them feel out of it. The 70 yr old chose years ago to stop his meds. He didn't like the person he became, he wanted the old E back. He excepted his illness and learned to work around it. He has had many interesting jobs but the last 20 yrs before retirement he was a teacher. He smokes marijuana to help with symptoms.

The other cousin, she self-medicated with alcohol until diagnosed. The meds made her feel like a zombie, so she chooses not to take them. I hear though, she is having big problems now (66)and has returned to using alcohol. ALZ runs in her mothers family as does BiPolar and I just read where Bipolar and ALZ are genetically linked. So would not be surprised if she has early onset ALZ/Dementia.

To stay calm you might want to stay in a hotel in the city where mom lives, and that way you can come and go as you please. If things get nasty, you just tell her you're leaving and will return if and when she can be nicer.
It's not rocket science. It's just about setting boundaries before you get there and sticking to them.
And if the medication you're on for your bi-polar disorder isn't working well(as you should be able to lead a "normal" and productive life while being bi-polar)you may want to seek other medications.
My younger brother is bi-polar and it took him many years and many different medications before his doctors got it right. He is a firefighter and has been for many years, and is the face and spokesperson for the fire dept. in the city where he lives.
I wish you a happy holiday, and remember your mum has no control over you anymore. She can only hurt you with her words if you allow her to. So don't give her that power.

Why would you walk back into the lion's den, so to speak? Are you hoping for a late in life reconciliation? Sadly, that very rarely happens, I'm sorry to say.

I don't get along with my MIL. No deep reasons, she simply hates me and wishes DH and I would divorce so 'she' could have peace. When you think that I spent less than 10 hours PER YEAR with her, over the kast 30 years, you really wonder where this all comes from.

She's 92 and not getting 'better'. She's now completely housebound due to severe agoraphobia--and there's nothing anyone can do.

At the 'end' of my relationship with her, I simply walked away and told her she could rest easy, she would never see me again. She hasn't and she won't.

It's been fine. She'd still rather I'd died when I had cancer or wishes DH and I would divorce, but for crying out loud---

Are you asking us if you should go? I'd pipe in a big "NO" and let it go.

2 week "holiday"? Holiday? What, you're taking a break from leading your normal pleasant life, are you?

I suppose the advice not to go would fall on deaf ears?

My daughter once, in a fit of frustrated rage, burst out about her sister: "there's nothing *wrong* with her, she's just NAUGHTY." But then again my daughter was about fifteen at the time and couldn't be expected to take a sophisticated view of mental health. Your mother is old enough to know better.

So, guessing that you are now sixtyish, and have been separated from your mother's sphere of influence for more than forty years, and have had quite some time to come to terms with your condition and learn about its management...

... *why* are you exposing yourself to two weeks of your mother's company? Will you be alone on this journey?

How many days or hours do you think you can spend in her presence without arguing? Subtract one day/hour from that amount and that’s the amount to spend with her, no longer!

What is your reason to travel back 'home'?

Will visiting Mother be a major or minor part?

Are you staying with her? Is there another relative you can stay with? That way you can limit your visit to your mother.

How much financial "help" are you providing? Why are you doing that? Are you the plan for caregiving as she gets older? Is her plan that you will move home to be her 24/7/365 caregiving slave?

Are you an only child?

Why would you visit her?

Well, I guess you feel obligated, right?

Read up on Fear Obligation and Guilt. Finding out what motivates YOU might be helpful.

Bipolar is not a "title". It is a condition and it should never be used as a REASON for not accomplishing something. So, if you're saying things like "oh I can do THAT, I'm bipolar", I think that's a mistake on your part.

What is it she wayou to do that you feel you can't? Be her caregiver? How about "I can't possibly do that because I don't want to"?

A visit to your mother is going to be what is called "contraindicated".

That means don't go.

Get a note from your doctor if you must.