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CosmicOrphan82 Asked June 2022

Utterly overwhelmed with my narcissistic father who has vascular dementia. Any suggestions?

Hello everyone, I have been struggling as an adult only child, of narcissistic parents, who both neglected and/or emotionally abused me my entire life. I was lucky enough to be able to cut contact with my toxic mother. I am stuck with my father (covert narcissist who fooled me for a long time) because he has nobody. I fortunately do not live in the same state as him but it does not matter. He made me feel guilty from the time I was 18 for moving out, wanting to have a life, it has been never ending. In my late 40s now and he's going to cause me to have a nervous breakdown from the constant drama. On top of that, I've lost my job and have no place to live, other than staying with friends. All because of him.


After years of him insisting he lives alone in filth and squalor. He has a problem with hoarding which I have had to sort out causing me PTSD and OCD. He is subject to constant hospital visits because he never took care of himself. The doctors finally said he cannot live alone and were going to place him in a nursing home. I got him moved to an ALF a few days ago. He is driving me crazy. He woke me up in the middle of the night because he wanted someone to go see him in his room and he feels like he is in jail, blah blah blah. He has no understanding of the fact I lost my job from having to travel to his aid over and over again. I was hoping ALF would help me get my life back. He has vascular dementia and is most definitely a narcissist. How do you all cope with this? I cannot take much more of his phone calls with constant moaning and demands. Nothing is ever good enough, nothing I do is enough. It's just so hard to deal with. Thank you for reading.

BurntCaregiver Jun 2022
First of all your father is not the reason why you lost your job, have no money, and are depending on your friends for shelter. Your own choices are what brought you to where you are now.
You left home at 18 years old and stayed out until now at almost 50. The guilt-tripping did not start yesterday. You disregarded both of your parents' toxic, narcissistic nonsense for decades and made a life for yourself. They are not the reason why you no longer have that life today.
I understand where you're coming from because my situation was very similar. I too left an abusive home at 18. There was plenty of guilt-tripping and games and drama from my mother. It got to the point where I didn't speak to her for six years. She wasn't even at my wedding. When I got divorced a few years back I moved back in with her. She was needing some help. I was needing a place to go and she had made some genuine amends for the past.
She resumed old behaviors and I had to cut that down fast. I do for her but it is always on my terms, not hers. I'm getting remarried to my ex and buying a new place. She is not coming with me.
Boundaries. They are very important. You had them with your parents from the time you left home at 18. You're in another state. You don't have to answer every time or anytime your father calls. You can have him made a ward of the state and not have to deal with anything from him or concerning him. There are choices.
For your own sake stop making your father the scapegoat for what your life is now. It will not help you get your life back. Mental health care and therapy will.

LoopyLoo Jun 2022
Why are you stuck with him? Who said you had to do for him? You don’t have to do anything.

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TChamp Jun 2022
Pseudo-diagnosis of personality disorders, should stop out of decency, of those poor souls that suffer from dementia. They are already on death row.
LoopyLoo Jun 2022
Personality disorders are a legit medical diagnosis.

Death row? Seriously? Why are you on this forum at all if you think mental disorders aren’t real, that all meds will kiill people, and people in facilities are just on a nicer version of death row?
MeDolly Jun 2022
I walked away from my mother as she was very toxic to me, it was either her or me, I chose me. He is placed, he is safe, do not answer his calls, do not listen to his calls. If there is an important issue the home will call you.

Set your boundaries and move on with your life, he has lived his life without regard to you (narcissistic behavior pattern) and now it is time for you to do the same. He will not change, he will not get better, there is no happy future with him, only more memories being created of a non-respected past.

Change your future by taking your life back.

Good Luck!

sp19690 Jun 2022
Why do you want the thread closed?

CosmicOrphan82 Jun 2022
Thanks to everyone who's commented. Surely, you were all in the same boat as me originally. I appreciate all your words. Thank you. Can admin please close this thread, thanks.
LoopyLoo Jun 2022
Why close it? No need to feel guilty or ashamed for your father’s actions.
AnnReid Jun 2022
“He has no understanding…..”
You are probably 100% correct.

But if this is true, why persist in regarding his ongoing insinuations as though they were fact?

YOUR expectations of HIM (and his input and opinions) and yourself, at least seem far more toxic to you than anything g he can dish out.

You moved out at 18, a perfectly typical, reasonable event, and have continued to believe that because of that he “MADE” you feel guilty? NO ONE can make you feel guilty UNLESS you are willing to be an ACTIVE LISTENER TO WHAT IS SAID.

And YOU control that BY WALKING AWAY, IGNORING YOUR PHONE, REFUSING TO RESPOND- choosing whatever path of avoidance is easiest FOR YOU, then TAKING IT.

If his DOCTORS had sought to place him in a nursing home, THE DOCTORS were most likely on the right track. And “……throw him into a nursing home….” no longer means “Up the hill to the poor house”, so it was your thinking that prevented what might (or might not) have been a smooth transition to an appropriate care setting.

MANY of us have lived your life, and through doing so have learned that you must EXTRICATE YOURSELF from the life that has surrounded you.

Therapy can be VERY HELPFUL, DISTANCE can too, but you CANNOT continue to expect to reap the rewards of YOUR EFFORTS, because he hasn’t, cannot, and WILL NOT become your “good parent”. YOU are the person who can and SHOULD be a good parent to you FIRST.

You will find MANY CHEERLEADERS HERE. Some of us have learned how to cope, some of are works in progress, some of us may have given up.
YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS, and it IS well worth the effort.
CosmicOrphan82 Jun 2022
Thanks Ann. I am a work in progress. I have only just made some realizations, so all I wanted was a bit of advice, as I know I am not the only one in this position. I thank you for your words.
sp19690 Jun 2022
Heres the reality. People here can give you the best advice in the world but will you take that advice and make the changes you need to make?

It doesn't matter if your dad doesnt have anyone else. He is an adult and that is his problem not yours. Yet you have made it your problem and lost your job because of that.

The fact that he doesn't care that you lost your job to help him just shows that he has not changed and doesnt care about you.

What he did to you as a child when you were in your most vulnerable and helpless state of being shows his character as a human being.

How you cope is by stopping all contact and living your life.

People like your dad are parasites that feed off decent and compassionate people. He will literally suck the life out of you until there is nothing left and then move on without a care in the world.

Now the question is are you able to take my advice and stop helping him and save yourself?

CTTN55 Jun 2022
The best way to cope would be to drastically change things. Are you willing to take your life back? Often people come on this forum, and it gradually becomes clear that they aren't willing to take the necessary steps to really make a change. Is that you?
CosmicOrphan82 Jun 2022
I am trying to make a change, hence why I posted here for the first time. Just need advice, suggestions as I figured others have been through something similar.

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