I have posted here before and am now begging for suggestions and/or resources.
I am the spouse of a 66-year-old male with behavioral variant frontotemporal dementia (bvFTD). His diagnosis was in March 2015 with symptoms at least 18 months prior.
He attempted suicide after choking and body slamming me that night, beating my head against the floor.
There have been several attacks that could’ve killed me and then February this year he pulled on the emergency brake while I was driving 50 mph. I slid 180°, narrowly missing two trucks and a telephone pole and flew in the opposite direction. He nearly killed me that night with another physical attack. This time his eyes appeared wild and unfamiliar, like I was looking at someone else.
I’ve endured one more severe beating since then and a physical collapse that has separated me from him temporarily. Tanked blood sugar and complete exhaustion while out of town on personal business.
I am currently displaced and living in Chicago with a friend, but I’m so traumatized I can’t pull it together. I’m wrecked.
There are no resources.
He is not eligible to go into a facility because he is capable of taking his medication and a shower without assistance. I do have to check daily to make sure that he’s taking his medication but he is able to comply and for that reason does not qualify for a Medicaid facility.
I do not qualify for aid of any kind despite the fact that we only have his social security.
This leaves me in an incredibly precarious position. I have no personal income, All assets have been wiped out, I have no family or local assistance where he is. I am ineligible for services in Chicago because I am not a resident. It’s difficult to look for employment because I’m not a resident here, and the cost of living is prohibitive. Forget shelter availability. Additionally, it may cause problems with my ability to care for him remotely. The idea of returning to my residential state to keep dealing with this leaves me paralyzed.
I am at a loss. Our lives have been destroyed. We’ve been married for 25 years and 17 of them were peaceful. He would never have battered me the way he has since he became ill. I have PTSD and my episodes trigger him into these blind rage, so I feel responsible for my beatings.
Please, can any help? I’m really in trouble.
Tobey
Call the Area Agency on Aging where you are right now (Chicago) and explain your situation to them. Hopefully, they can hook you up with a social worker.
Call Adult Protective services in your home community and report your husband as a vulnerable elder. Give his doctor a call and let the office know that he is non-compliant with his meds and in danger.
Are you old enough to claim social security? Can you file for disability? Can you get a job doing ANYTHING at all? There is a huge labor shortage right now and many retail and food establishments are begging for people to work.
Those are my thoughts for right now; please post back with your progress.
I agree, call APS in your home County and say ur being abused. You are the victim here whether he understands his actions or not.
You might want to get a Restraining Order.
I would discuss with a lawyer about getting a divorce.
If he can not be placed in a facility simply because he can take his medications the next time he tries to touch you, yell at you, come near you call 911. Tell the dispatcher that you are afraid for your safety, for your life that he has tried killing you previously.
You are under no obligation to care for a person that is trying to kill you.
YOU are NOT responsible for him abusing you. YOU have PTSD because of HIM.
There is a great resource book that might help.
The organization is Elderwerks. They are based in Palatine a Northwest suburb.
The resource/Educational book is on line at www.Elderwerks.org. They are a Not-for- Profit 501(c)(3) so they will not try "selling" you stuff
Phone number is 855-462-0100
A few more phone numbers for you:
APS 866-800-1409 www.state.il.us/aging (you can say you are going to establish residency or ask for the number for your state if you plan on returning.
Crisis Line (24 hour) Domestic Violence 800-799-7233
Domestic Violence Hotline 877-863-6338
Turning Point Domestic Violence Agency 815-338-8081 and 800-892-8900
Your husband needs to be sent to a psychiatric facility for treatment. How you arrange for such a thing, being in another state, I don't know. Your best bet may be to consult with an Elder Care Attorney for advice and guidance on what to do here. There may be more answers forthcoming from posters who have more knowledge on this subject than I do.
In the meanwhile, please don't go back home and put yourself in harm's way again right now. Wait for guidance from an attorney before you take your next step. I'm so sorry you're going thru such a nightmare. Sending you a hug and a prayer for a good resolution to all of this.