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blickbob Asked May 2022

How do I convince my mom she needs to hate her circumstances enough to change her ways and habits?

She's bedridden and needs me to help with various little things. Examples include helping clip fingernails, getting one of her hands onto her potty chair, and getting her legs on and off the bed. Most of the time, she opts not to have the foot rests put on her wheelchair and on some occasions, she has me drag her by her legs while getting her back to her bed. The barometric pressure has been at or close to 30 the past several days and because of that, she's needed leg help nearly every time she needs to sit on the side of the bed. Lately, she's criticized how I clip her nails on the few occasions I had to help. I'm not doing anything wrong, but she wants it done a certain way. I told her I know how to clip nails. 5+4=9. So does 6+3. At times, she criticizes how I do little things like put paper clips on things, how hot the water is when she washes her hand in a cup, or accidentally giving her a little too much soap.


 


She talked about getting a new mattress with a box spring years ago. Then, she changed her mind last year and decided to skip the box spring and get just a new mattress, but she didn't do it and regretted not doing it when Covid cases were low. And a couple of months ago, she decided not to get a new mattress at all and get some friends of hers to rotate her mattress. She's yet to get it rotated and I'm almost ready to do it myself.


 


She gets emotional when I show just a tiny bit of frustration over her issues and needing help, along with the rare occasions I have enough courage to give her advice, and says she "hates being sick." The thing is, she doesn't hate being sick enough to change and do more. She doesn't hate her circumstances enough to try to actually do something about it, let alone try to seek help and advice. She said the other day she's struggling to get better, but she's barely doing anything to get better. Won't get extra help. Won't do PT. A couple of friends of hers said to call if she needed them and she rarely calls them for any sort of assistance or errands.


 


If I had a dollar for every time she cried over me accidentally upsetting her, I'd have enough to put her in the nursing home. And if she exercised as often as she cried, she would be in better shape and walking around right now.


 


I, her son, CAN'T be her emotional support partner. I really wish she would make that someone else's job. And I wish she would give the caregiving duties to other people and leave me out of it.

notrydoyoda May 2022
You can't be your mom's reality therapist anynore than her emotional support partner. Too many parents make one of their children into an emotional support partner which is emotoinal incest to put it bluntly. Stop the emotional dance with her. Get therapy and get out of there! It's hard, but it can be done. Both my wife and I have been there with our mothers. We got free and so can you, but you have to damm the torpedoes so to speak and go full speed ahead plus take no prisoners.
Jhalldenton May 2022
Yes! yes yes Emotional Incest. I need new glasses I put insest in my comment...... Don't become "Norman Bates"
Becky04489 May 2022
Why should she make any effort when she has YOU to do everything for her??
Stop waiting on her hand and foot. If you don't move her hands for her, she will have to make the effort.

If Mom is this incapacitated, she needs to be medically evaluated to medically qualify for Medicaid. Then apply for Medicaid and get her in a nursing home. Your inaction is keeping you and Mom back. Put on your big boy pants and get busy. You are part of the problem. It's not just Mom not exercising .

I shattered my ankle and have had to have several surgeries for it. I'm in a wheelchair but it's not the end of the world. I'm also on dialysis 5 days a week. I don't expect my adult son to hold my hand.

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Isthisrealyreal May 2022
I think the real question is, "How do we convince blickbob to hate his circumstances enough to make changes?"
Beatty May 2022
THIS!
polarbear May 2022
blickbob- you wrote: "I really wish she would make that someone else's job. And I wish she would give the caregiving duties to other people and leave me out of it."

Don't just wish. Make a plan. Start taking steps toward freeing yourself from the caregiver role.

Your mother has no intention of making any changes because you're doing it all for her.

Start backing off. Let her needs go unmet, so that she will see that she needs help, but not from you.

BarbBrooklyn May 2022
Blick, why should mom try?

She has you at her beck and call.

I have to admit that I really don't "get" the big picture here.

Mom had cancer several years ago, hurt her ankle and is now bed-ridden. I don't get that. Did she have a stroke or some other major injury that left her bed-ridden?

Has she applied for Long Term Care Medicaid?

Has she had a "needs assessment"?

What does her doctor advise in terms of the level of care she needs?

Have you started a job search?
blickbob May 2022
She became bed-ridden because of an ankle injury she suffered while undergoing cancer treatments. The ankle has long since healed, but she's still recovering from the treatments.

She hasn't been to any doctor's office since the end of 2018.

Because she can't be on her own and can't use the bathroom by herself, I can't work.
Countrymouse May 2022
"I wish she would give the caregiving duties to other people and leave me out of it."

Well, she won't, will she.

There is an irony in this, you know. You describe how frustrating it is that she says she hates her condition and would do anything to change it, then does two-thirds of eff-all about it and leans on you.

Um. So we hear you, and I expect we're all thinking "well, BlickBob needs to change this because she isn't going to" - but all you are prepared to do is wish she'd change.

Er...

But I looked on your profile page and it says your mother has cancer? What kind of cancer, and how does it affect her?

polarbear May 2022
blickbob- since you are not working, how are you and your mother supporting yourselves? Is your mother receiving SS disability? Savings? Income from somewhere?

If/when your mother's condition deteriorates to where she has to go to a nursing home, how will you, blickbob, support yourself?

Being out of the work force for a long period of time will make you a lot less employable.

Don't let your mother rob you of your life and your future.
MargaretMcKen May 2022
I too am very interested in what you are living on, BlickBob. Who pays? It is enough for you to cope comfortably? In your mid-thirties with a degree (in what?), have you tried and found it difficult to get a job? Is it easier for you to stay at home cutting mother’s toe-nails? If you are living off your mother, what are you going to do when she dies?
bundleofjoy May 2022
dear OP,

i also want to add this:

your mother refuses to see doctors (i repeat: i'm not talking about cancer treatment. i understand she doesn't want that. i mean, for other physical problems). your mother refuses PT, etc.

PLEASE tell her a lie. say this:

"Dear mother, I spoke to several lawyers. They warned me I can get sued for neglect: you have many physical issues, and you haven't seen a doctor since 2018. I know you don't want to see a doctor - but I have no choice. I must bring a doctor to the house to get you checked out, run blood tests. I can't drive you to a doctor, since you're immobile and I can't get you into the car. One of your problems might be a simple, treatable vitamin deficiency. This can cause weakness, fatigue, apathy, depression, lack of motivation. I don't want to get sued for neglect. We have no choice. A doctor must come and see you. You might also be forced to start PT, no matter what."
bundleofjoy May 2022
dear OP :),

:)
i hope you’re ok, i hope your mother’s ok.

i want to clarify (regarding the idea of bringing a doctor home) :

-some doctors are awful, incompetent
-some doctors are very immoral (wanting to treat the patient, just so they can make more money, even when the treatment is clearly a very bad idea for the patient)
—some doctors just don’t care
—some doctors make things much worse

so:

i’m not suggesting you bring just any doctor. and anyway, if you feel the doctor is proposing bad solutions, of course you don’t need to go ahead.

hug!!

———
regarding YOUR life OP…

please, as i said, try to envision a non-negotiable goal (dream job, whatever)…and work towards it.

no excuses.

sometimes we human beings really are in a very difficult situation — and yet i say:

no excuses.
work towards your dream job, etc.
Becky04489 May 2022
I don't think responding to this post is going to help anyone. The OP is totally enmeshed with his Mom and probably not going to change. Mom is not interested or motivated to change because Bob does everything for her. Bob doesn't push because if Mom improved he would have to get his act together and find a job and not be supported by Mom. Chances of change in this situation in my opinion are very slim. My question with this post is who can wash their hands in a cup.
sp19690 May 2022
I agree 100% better. This OP will never stop until mom dies or she puts him in the grave first.
poodledoodle May 2022
Hi! Although I fully empathize with you, at some point we also must take full responsibility for ourselves no matter how complicated our situation is.

Although everything you say is 100% the reality, still try to get your life in good order.

Like you, I’m a man too.

I help my uncle. I have a less complicated situation than you.

But Blickbob, you must try to get your life in order. Your destiny is pleading you to do something, anything, to change your circumstances.

Wake up early? Use that alone time to send job applications? To go running? Get fit? Feel physically better? Get out of the house, meet some people, have normal conversations that have nothing to do with your mother/health/caregiving? Watch an inspirational movie about someone who succeeded despite so many things?

All us human beings often fall into the temptation of excuses.

The reality is that, there are ways for you to get your life in order, prepare the conditions to get that job you want. The more time passes, the more difficult.

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