My mom has had declining health for the last few years. She also had a hard life and has numerous mental health issues.
For the past 2 years, it has been constantly one thing after another with health issues and I think these problems have worsened her mental health considerably.
At her own request she was in a care home for a year, hated it and has for the past year been trying to live independently again. She has carers supporting her multiple times a day and a cleaner, and other support as needed including from me and my sister.
Her mental health has reached a point where none of it seems enough and her psychiatrist has been very slow to assist and refuses to prescribe her certain drugs, which helped before, because of her age. She doesn't have dementia.
She doesn't get along with anyone. Out of all the different carers she's had we're now down to ONE that she likes. She thinks everyone is failing her, or doesn't care, or is 'getting at her'. She thinks no one understands and that her problems are so much worse than anyone else's.
I live 40-50 minutes away so mostly visit on weekends and will stay for a night or 2 when I can, but even though she can still be lovely sometimes and we can have a nice time I find myself not wanting to be around her.
I've taken countless phone calls over the last year and listened to her, sympathized, tried to reason, tried to resolve things - none of it makes any difference. She rages about everything - her health, how useless everyone is, how awful her carers are. Sometimes she's shouting and angry, sometimes she's crying and wishing she was dead. We rarely have nice conversations over the phone, she's always ready to complain even when she hasn't worked herself up into a terrible state. I've listened to her for hours at a time.
She can be mean and scream at people. But claims she's never the instigator and nothing is ever her fault. A few times staying over, I've heard for myself how she flies off the handle at the carers - they're not always perfect but she definitely overreacts and even small things can set her off into screaming at someone at this point.
A couple of months ago she had a total breakdown, screaming and crying for hours because the carers were negligent about arranging a tablet she needed for anxiety before the office closed for the weekend. She was so unhinged I didn't even know how to calm her down and she ended up in hospital the next day.
Even though I'm not around her every day, I'm finding this all mentally exhausting. I don't know how to help her more. I feel like the answer is dedicating more of my time to her, but already my life consists mostly of work because I just don't have the energy for much else.
At the same time, sometimes I think (even if she doesn't know it) that she's attention seeking and I resent it. She messaged me a week ago to say she'd taken a (small) overdose (of antibiotic too, so not deadly) and my brother had convinced her not to continue and now she was waiting for an ambulance. Yet again my night became all about her. I spoke to her multiple times in the middle of the night, listened to her talk about how miserable she is while she waited for the ambulance. I couldn't sleep for hours after that. I avoided talking to her for a few days after she confirmed she was fine. When I finally did speak to her I asked if she was ok and her reply was 'no I took an overdose'. I KNOW. I listened to all that already. Its like she needs to be the centre of my attention constantly. Like I'm not ever allowed to forget her problems. My own mental health isn't great anyway and talking to her makes it so much worse sometimes. I try to set boundaries, but I just end up worrying how she is and what's going on in my abscence. She also takes it the wrong way and gets stroppy and says things like 'oh i know not to talk to you about anything important ever again! Don't ask how I am then, if you don't want to know!' I don't know how to improve any of it.
((((I once, for quite a while as I recall, stopped answering the phone until I'd hear who was leaving a message (old days), and if it was my mother, I wouldn't answer. I couldn't. She had sucked the energy out of me and the thought of talking to her stressed me greatly. I'd call her back when I'd armored myself, made it feel more my "on my own terms." We all have to find little ways of coping until the larger picture can be addressed.))))
When she is manic, just tell her that when he calms down and can hold a normal and calm conversation you will be happy to talk to her, but until then you will be hanging up, and then make sure you do.
And if she continues to call you, just let her calls go to voicemail, so you can get a break from her nonsense. You MUST remember that you are NOT responsible for your mothers happiness or her care. That's all on her, so quit allowing her to upset you and taking up so much of your time whether you're with her or not.
As long as you continue to put up with her nonsense, she will continue to dish it out, so why not be the one who finally once and for all puts a stop to it.
You can do it, if you really want to.
Have you ever considered consulting a therapist for yourself? I don’t think it’s healthy for you to be on the phone listening to angry ranting for hours, for instance, or to be beating yourself up that you can’t solve the problems of such a seriously ill person who sadly seems unable to ever change.
"Her mental health has reached a point where none of it seems enough and her psychiatrist has been very slow to assist and refuses to prescribe her certain drugs, which helped before, because of her age."
My mother clearly needed some kind of anti-anxiety med, yet her PCP simply said she didn't like to prescribe them for her older patients. These doctors don't care, as long as they see there is a family member involved. Your mother really seems to need something, though! If the psych can't figure it out, then your mother needs psych hospitalization.
"I don't know how to help her more. I feel like the answer is dedicating more of my time to her, but already my life consists mostly of work because I just don't have the energy for much else."
DO NOT GIVE HER MORE TIME.