My mother has a few days left and doesn’t want me to tell my estranged sister. Do I tell her after she passes?

I haven't told my brother that our dad died.

He threatened him the last time he saw him, said he never wanted to see or hear from him again. Stole everything and anything he could get his hands on for decades.

So, why would I take his hate spewing about our dad when the loss hurts my heart?

Honor your moms wishes. Your sister has had 3 years to make amends, anything at this point I would question the sincerity of. Let your uncle be mad, it's not his decision to make, it's your mom's and she has spoken, she doesn't want to see your sister and that is all that matters now.

I am sorry for your impending loss.

Put blinders on your eyes and forget about what your father's uncle may or may not think about your decision. Who cares? Move forward honoring MOM'S wishes only. That would be my goal if I were in your shoes: to honor my mother's wishes entirely. If this were my daughter who robbed me blind, and she suddenly showed up at my death bed b/c my other daughter wanted to give her a chance to make amends, I'd be pretty PISSED off that my wishes were totally ignored. Just sayin. She had plenty of time to make 'amends' over the past 3 years and chose not to. Death bed apologies are a waste of breath. If your sister doesn't like the fact that her mother changed her will and cut her out of it entirely, well that's just too bad, isn't it? She already stole her 'inheritance' before mom died, is the way she should look at it.

I'm sorry you are going through such an emotional time, losing your mom. Sending you a hug & a prayer for peace.

After mom passes, what your sister knows or doesn’t is up to the survivors, aka you. As she’s been a grifter before, maybe don’t tell her until moms estate has been settled.

The nice folks here that say you should honor your mom's wishes after she passes are forgetting that your mom won't be hurt by your actions - but you could be hurt! Please do what you feel is right. Maybe there's no right choice here. Maybe you pick the least troublesome or the least aggravating.

Alternately, you might ask your father's uncle to help you out and tell your sister. You don't have to explain why. That way you never told her, per your mom's wishes, but she was still told by family.

If she has any time left, and is still coherent, I'd contact your attorney and have the estate turned into a trust. Or at the very least have your mom sign paperwork that the lawyer draws up that says anyone contesting her wishes will get nothing.

I'm in the same pickle. Although my sisters haven't stolen from my mom, they took every valuable piece of jewelry and furniture when she asked them to help her downsize. I ended up with nothing of value. Now I've been taking care of her for years and having to clean up a 20+ year old home to get ready for sale. My sisters have been nowhere for the last five years. When I asked mom to ask them if they wanted family photos, they said no. Sure, take that diamond ring, but a photo...no!

When my father died, I notified them. Big mistake. They were a****** at the funeral. When my Aunt was dying, I notified them. Big mistake. They took over rummaged through her jewelry and I believe, no real proof, hastened her death. Then made a big stink about me cleaning out her condo and sending them anything of value. When I invited them to spread her ashes at sea, they were nowhere to be found.

When my mom dies, I'm not going to contact them. I asked the attorney to contact them when she overdosed and ended up in the hospital. When she dies, I'm not going to contact them. I don't need the drama. Actions speak louder than words. Your sister sounds like an a**, just like mine. You can't pick your family, but you can pick how much drama and attention you bring on. It's her responsibility to stay in touch with mom so she knows when she passes. It's her responsibility to apologize and pay back mom, but she hasn't. She's an a******. Don't invite a****** to funerals is my moto.

Tell your uncle. He can tell her. She'll find out one way or the other, but nothing says you have to do it.

I wouldn't worry about the estate. She'll get nowhere contesting it.

While your mother is alive, information about her and who receives it is your mother's decision and you are right to respect it, no matter what qualms you might have.

But once she has passed away, that is a matter of public record. Your mother can't choose to keep it secret from anyone. You don't have to contact your sister as in open up a conversation with her, but you should inform her, perhaps by writing a brief letter saying simply "I'm sorry to tell you that mother died on [day, date] after being ill [say what with] for [length of time]." If you think your sister will want to attend the funeral you should give her the details for that, too.

You don't have to say anything about your mother's refusal to inform your sister that she was dying, or about the will, or about anything else. You are acting correctly, and if your sister does have any questions, you've nothing to fear from them. Just treat her decently, punishing her for whatever she did before isn't your duty.

I also have a sister that will NOT be getting informed by me when mom dies. She will not be welcome at the funeral. She was asked not to come to dad's (after one of my nosey aunts took it upon herself to notify her - gee thanks!) and honored it. She is also disinherited. I will fight her, hard, if she thinks she is getting anything after a lifetime of crappola.

So, after your sister stole from your mom, no way is she entitled to know anything about your mom. Nor is she entitled to a penny more.

I would totally write her off and be happier without her.
Good luck.

Kay, go on your states attorney general website and look at what amount of assets require filing of probate before you go to an attorney. This varies state to state and some are quite high.

Even with a will, if mom's assets are below this amount, you will not have to go through probate.

Respect your mom. Do not ask your sister to come. That could destroy your mom’s last days.

Mom allowed a bad sibling to come visit her at the end of her life and it was a mistake. He would attend the doctor meetings with a tearful eye, “doctor, tell me how much time she has left…” and then go around the corner and make snide phone calls about the estate - within earshot.

I was sued by disinherited siblings and effectively defended the estate.

Don’t worry about the uncles and neighbors and all the others who will side with your bad sibling and criticize you and your mom.

Stand your ground, protect her and her wishes.

Send me private messages anytime.