My mother has a few days left and doesn’t want me to tell my estranged sister. Do I tell her after she passes?

This is an older post but I am commenting for those who come upon it. You are not obligated to notify in this situation but I would after the death.

when it comes to the will, if everything is in order the lawyer will file in court and notify the beneficiaries. You do not have to deal with that at all

Kaysdaughter: I am so sorry for your loss and send condolences.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear mom. May I suggest talking to hospice about their bereavement program/resources? They all have them and it could be helpful to at least have someone to talk with during this difficult time. You did and are doing everything right, and what your mom wanted. My heart goes out to you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

May your mother's memory always be a blessing and bring you comfort.

As for the funeral, make it private. The funeral home will have a list of guests and others will be repectfully turned away. They have dealt with this before. You and others who loved your mother deserve the chance to come together to show respect and mourn in the way you chose.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have thought about you since first you wrote us.
You had hospice and I am grateful.
Please don't try to divert your own mourning with worrying about others. You knew your choices with your sister, you MADE you choices, you knew she would be a problem and she IS a problem. Approach her only with gentleness. Her problems will be greater because she had no peace at the end. She will try to divert her own losses by anger and angry action. She will do what she will do.
I suggest you get a Trust and Estate attorney right away. They will get you an EIN tax number online and letters testamentary and help with the estate. You will refer your sister and uncle to this attorney only. That takes care of that.
The will be will likely be probated and Sister can read it there. She will do what she will do and you will handle it one day at a time.
Now on to the real issue here, your loss. You will not have to worry that you did anything other than what your Mom wanted. We will all lose our Mom's; we will all grieve. There is nothing to do with grief but carry it.
Try to do your Mom honor in the way you carry your grief. Know she is with you and will never not be with you. Celebrate her life. For me, losing my brother, the best person in my life all my life, the Hansel to my Gretel in any dark woods of life, I made a book in which I told him what I saw on my long walks, just as I always wrote him when we were both alive but in different cities. I told him memories. I shared those few moments of guilt I felt. I TALKED to him. It is almost two years now and the roses he cut each a.m. for the tables in his ALF are blooming where he lived, ours blooming here and I think about him. I collaged and decorated the journal and I would say I used it for about a year. In your OWN you can crab to Mom about your Sis if you need to. Unfortunately there is a simillar situation in my own family and my daughter and I have managed to have pet phrases and "mild name calling" that makes us laugh.
You will do it all. You will second guess, you will cry, you will eventually laugh and love life.
Just do her honor. And talk to her. She's there. I am 80 and my Mom and Dad are with me. So's my bro. I sometimes fear I have changed them to something Saintlike, because they were good people. But all the joy of them in my life I carry with me, along with the loss, and sometimes the lonliness.
My best out to you. Please let us know what the "rat-sister" gets up to (sorry, but we sometimes call ours just that). Whatever it is you can handle it. And a good attorney will help you with that. I had a wonderful woman, needed only about 1 1/2 hours of her time, and she was a comfort and a help.
When you update us why not start a new threat we can recognize: Something like "Update on my Estranged Sister".

A hug and sympathy on the loss of your mom, best friend.

You have so much to deal with regarding family dynamics that I'm concerned for the fall-out this may have on your emotional and mental state in addition to your grief. Might I suggest finding a (good) grief support group?

I am so sorry ....

Kaysdaughter, I am so sorry for your loss. May The Lord give you grieving mercies, strength and wisdom during this difficult time.

I would not worry about what she is or isn't going to do. The lawyer has told you that everything is in order. The funeral home would not have cremated the body if the paperwork wasn't in order. I know from personal experience.

So let her sue, then you counter sue and she goes away or pays the price.

She is projecting her bad behavior on you and using your aunt to help her. You know why she is trying to make you out as the bad guy and so does she.

You did nothing wrong by emailing her. She chose to not be in contact and she should be happy she was told at all.

I wouldn't tell anyone you notify that she is being ugly, let them know about mom and if she shows up and causes a scene have her escorted away. Speak with the funeral director, the probably know law enforcement officers that moonlight as private security, yours isn't the 1st time they have dealt with family drama. Same goes for the interfering aunt. This day is for you, don't tolerate them making it about them.

Great big hug!

I'm so sorry for your loss, Kaysdaughter.

Your aunt and your sister are behaving extremely badly. I'd go so far as to say that their using mental space to indulge in that kind of spite betrays a lack of respect for what they should be focusing on right now, namely your mother's passing. It's revolting.

But it's also beneath your notice. Friends worth having will attend your mother's funeral and offer their support regardless of anything anyone else is doing. Did the funeral home tell you about your sister's call to them? Do they have any advice about how to proceed?

Hi everyone I could use your support. My mom passed last week, I am a mess, she was my best friend. I appreciate all your advice so I decided to email my sister and called my Uncle. My Aunt (married to the uncle) yelled at me as my sister told her I texted her and that I’m a horrible person for telling her that way. I explained I emailed not texted and they should ask my sister why she hasn't contacted us in three years, she hung up on me. I am trying to grieve and plan the funeral. My sister called the funeral home telling them she is getting a lawyer to sue them and me because I cremated my mom (to be buried/laid to rest next to my dad). I did what my mom felt was best. I’m so depressed. I can’t even work up the energy to call people to tell them she passed, the few I have told, are worried about coming to the funeral, out of fear my sister may cause a scene. My sister never responded to my email. I know many of you have issues with estranged family members. I was her caregiver for so long, I miss her so much my chest aches. I hate that my sister is causing drama that my mother never wanted. Her estate lawyer said everything is in order, I am her executor and was her poa. Do I need to worry about her suing me? Any advice you can give would be appreciated.

You didn't actually say your mother didn't want you to tell your sister after she's gone, you said she didn't want you to tell her she's in hospice - there seems to be a difference, albeit slight. It's hard enough to deal with the loss of your mother, but whatever you do, make sure you're comfortable with it. My advice would be to do whatever causes less drama or stress for you, while not adding more stress to your mother.

I'm sorry, I am going to come at this from a different angle. Being a parent of a estranged child for 10 years, I can tell you not a day goes by I do not think of my son. I miss him terribly and my heart aches for him in my life. What your sister did to your mom was horrible and I would never think of speaking for your mom, but deep down, I wonder if she would be relieved to see her daughter one last time before she leaves this world. You can't fix the past and what your sister did and I truly understand your apprehension honoring your mom's wish. It's a tough call either way. But, I believe your momma would forgive you. If you did call your estranged sister, I would make it super clear that she is not in the Will so there are no expectations.

Kays, I would video mom telling you or someone that she doesn't want this daughter notified, why and that she wrote her out of her will because of theft.

This will help you if sissy decides to make things hard for you after mom passes. I wouldn't show her or tell her or anyone that might, this would be for the attorney and courts to show her, if she chooses to go there.

Are you doing okay during this difficult time? I pray you are and am sending you a big warm hug.

Mom should be able to live she wishes at this point in her life - and that includes who to see and not see. Consider notifying your sister after your mother passes about the memorial services. In the mean time, you can ask your mother if she wishes to have any "last conversations" with your sister before she passes... and abide by her stated wish.

Another thing about probate is that POD accounts and life insurance policies with individuals specified as beneficiaries (not "to the estate of" the passing loved one) do not go through probate.

I'm not an attorney. and probate is not federal law. Consult the attorney who updated the will for legal answers for your state. I assume that that attorney is aware of why Mom changed her will; best to work with one that knows the history.

I am sorry for your impending loss. You're doing the right thing in honoring Mom's wishes.

Your sister is likely expecting things to have been changed since mom confronted her, she didn't deny anything, and she offered to repay.

Yes, you contact your sister when mom passes. The argument is not between you and sis - it was breach of trust between sis and mom. Stay out of that part. Sis has a right to know mom passed. Give the info and let sis do what she wants with the info when the time comes and arrangements are made.

If sis comes after you afterwards (to see if she gets anything), remind her at that time that mom was upset about the missing money she confronted her about and made financial changes. You wish it hadn't happened, but sis made a choice and mom made changes based on those actions. Out of your hands.

Kaysdaughter: I did see your post further down this thread wherein you stated that your mother said "No." Honor her wishes.
You could retain an elder law attorney.

This sounds very familiar, though family use always have problems. Dementia plays nasty tricks. The problem is that your sister did not keep an accurate accounting of where the funds were used. Your mother may have already had the beginnings of dementia and the crazy ways that go with it or not. The question is can she explain rationally what happened and where the funds went? Was her life enriched beyond the norm or did she continue in the normal lifestyle?

I hope that when your mother moved in with you that you had a mental competency evaluation completed. That makes all the difference in the world.

How would you feel if you were you were your sister? How do you feel about the situation? Your mother’s comments shouldn’t have any bearing on your feelings. Step back and evaluate for a bit.

Your sister could try and sue for interference with someone who was incompetent. I would give her the opportunity to mourn the loss of her mother at the same time as you and for continued family cohesion if that is what you want - communicate and cooperate on any inheritance. If that is what you don’t see in the future, let the dementia rule.

do not pay any attention to your BF. He doesn’t have a dog in this fight.

Unless someone is a true troller, it doesn't do anyone, posters or responders, any good to come to, or be on a forum to, seek help or give guidance if we name-call, offer criticism that isn't constructive, judge, etc. Everyone is here for help or give help. But...we're human. Just asking if all of us can make our points without being destructive. We come here for a little peace and understanding in a world, and in our private worlds, that are already tough enough. It's easy to scare off people who might find the answers they need from all the vast experiences and wisdom on this forum.

Peace out.

What you are really saying is you are concerned your sister will sue you for part of the money from your mothers estate. ..However, you didn't ask any clear question Im guessing (perhaps mistakenly) that you sister was your Mothers primary caretaker while they were living together.
There are many ways to see any given situation..
At the end of the day the guilt you are expressing about your sister is your Higher self letting you know there is a better way
Whatever you decide, "the greatest good for the greatest number of people" is alway the best way"

So sorry for your situation & your mother being on hospice.

BF has NO SAY in the matter.

When you sister took $$$ from your mother, was it to pay your mother’s bills? Or buy anything for her..like food, supplies or clothes? Were you able to do a full accounting of what sis took ..or just listened to what your mother told you? Did mother have dementia at the time of the stealing accusations? Because most dementia patients accuse their caregivers …especially if they’re family members…of stealing. I would tell sister anyway about mother..then say when she arrives…sis is here..would you like to see her? Hugs 🤗

In my own situation, I feel Im more than likely going to experience the same situation. Personally, her wishes dont just cover medical decisions it covers a multitude of things, in that case I would respect your mothers choice.

I would wait until she asks, "Where's mom?" If she never asks, let it go. Your mother is the person who made decisions for the last chapter of her life; your sister is not the captain of that ship. YOU have the option of blocking her on your phone.

Your sister has the right to say goodbye to her mother as much as you do.
Of course unsurprisingly your moms dementia didn’t set in until AFTER mom changed the will.
Of course you want to honor your moms medical wishes.
Shame on you for keeping your mother and sister apart and shame on you for doing the same thing you accused your “much older “ sister of doing.
You are stealing her inheritance.
What right does your “boyfriend” have in this matter.
He stands to benefit from your gain.
Stop being greedy and call your sister .
When you inherit. everything give half to your sister not your boyfriend.

My mom and her sister were estranged and when mom was dying she didn't want her sister to know. So I told other family members but with instructions not to inform mom's sister until after she passed away. Which is what happened. So after she's gone it really doesn't matter any more.

It is important she leaves your sister something in her will like $1. That way there is a conscious decision and insures she was just not forgotten. If not your sister had grounds to contest the will that she was simply forgotten.
advice from a lawyer.

No, you don't need to Probate a will if the estate is not that large. But you do need to get a Short Certificate to be able to handle Moms final bills and work with Bank and creditors. I have a neighbor who worked in the Probate office. She explained how Probate works.

A Will with Executor...the Executor has to inform all beneficiaries and interested parties that the will has been Probated. It becomes public knowledge. They make sure debts are paid then follow wishes of the deceased.

Administrator...this happens when there is no Will. This person does the same thing as the Executor only the State determines who inherits.

Affidavit... this is done when there is no Will and the estate is less than 20k. The person getting the affidavit can pretty much do what they want. Had this with an exSIL who did not claim her brothers house in that 20k. The house was worth at least 50k as is.

So, I agree that if the estate is not large, you will not be required to probate.

I agree with James. If Mom owns a home, change the locks. I had a friend whose husband died leaving her the trailer they owned at the Shore. She happened to go down one day, and his son was taking things out of the trailer. She told him to return the items, that the trailer and the contents had been left to her.

I would respect your mothers wishes and not contact your sister. If you plan to tell your sister that your mom has passed once she does, make sure that everything is locked down or taken elsewhere so that you don't have to worry about her taking your moms things. Your sister obviously has issues and they aren't going away whether you contact her or not.

Im sorry you are having to deal with this on top of losing your mom.
Take care.

Why do you feel it necessary to tell your dad's uncle? Just settle the estate and then tell them if you feel the need.. That way sister can't do a thing about it. Or if you feel the need to tell them, just say that there will be no funeral or a funeral at a later date and just dont contact them. If sister bothers you tell her to leave you alone or you WILL have her brought up on charges for theft, forgery and elder abuse because you have proof of what she's done. You'd better get your proof in order just in case. Then if she bothers you, report her to authorities. Good luck to you.

In my opinion the 'correct' thing to do is to inform your sister after your mom passes, however with her attitude and her past actions I'd say to stay silent regardless of what your fathers uncle says. Your sister may come after you later, but it sounds like she has NO legal right to challenge your mom's will.

I have a younger brother who's a maritime lawyer who's a son of a gun, and didn't follow our parents will to the letter and I brought this to the attention of the New Jersey Bar Association as per the advice of my friend who worked for a law office in that state. The case is still pending due to the in depth investigation. Our brother cut our sister and myself off since 2009 because we dared challenged his 'authority'. He was named executor of our parents will which is like putting the fox in charge of the hen house. We were supposed to be included in any decisions but were marginalized.

There's more to the soap opera but that's the gist of it.

Richie