My mother has a few days left and doesn’t want me to tell my estranged sister. Do I tell her after she passes?

After mom passes, what your sister knows or doesn’t is up to the survivors, aka you. As she’s been a grifter before, maybe don’t tell her until moms estate has been settled.

Personally I think your sister should have been brought up on charges, the Elder Financial Abuse should have been reported. Might be interesting to find out if it is to late to do that now.
But that is not your question.
Yes tell your sister.
I do believe in second chances (although my first paragraph might read differently)
I think I would give your sister a chance to make amends with mom and apologize for what she did. Talk to your mom about this. It might do them both good to do.
But if your mom really does not want her to know then tell her after mom's death but do let her know of the arrangements that are made.
WOW reading my answer it seems to be all over the place. I guess that really means there is no right or wrong answer just do what you feel is right.

Hard call. As you said, she'll find out even if you don't tell her. Either way, you expect fall-out. Sounds like you can't win here.

At least one reason I can think of to tell her is that she won't be able to use your lack of contact as ANOTHER reason to go off on you. And if she does go off, you've told her what you needed to tell her, and you can simply say that and sign off the call with civility.

Whew...good luck with this.

I haven't told my brother that our dad died.

He threatened him the last time he saw him, said he never wanted to see or hear from him again. Stole everything and anything he could get his hands on for decades.

So, why would I take his hate spewing about our dad when the loss hurts my heart?

Honor your moms wishes. Your sister has had 3 years to make amends, anything at this point I would question the sincerity of. Let your uncle be mad, it's not his decision to make, it's your mom's and she has spoken, she doesn't want to see your sister and that is all that matters now.

I am sorry for your impending loss.

Put blinders on your eyes and forget about what your father's uncle may or may not think about your decision. Who cares? Move forward honoring MOM'S wishes only. That would be my goal if I were in your shoes: to honor my mother's wishes entirely. If this were my daughter who robbed me blind, and she suddenly showed up at my death bed b/c my other daughter wanted to give her a chance to make amends, I'd be pretty PISSED off that my wishes were totally ignored. Just sayin. She had plenty of time to make 'amends' over the past 3 years and chose not to. Death bed apologies are a waste of breath. If your sister doesn't like the fact that her mother changed her will and cut her out of it entirely, well that's just too bad, isn't it? She already stole her 'inheritance' before mom died, is the way she should look at it.

I'm sorry you are going through such an emotional time, losing your mom. Sending you a hug & a prayer for peace.

While your mother is alive, information about her and who receives it is your mother's decision and you are right to respect it, no matter what qualms you might have.

But once she has passed away, that is a matter of public record. Your mother can't choose to keep it secret from anyone. You don't have to contact your sister as in open up a conversation with her, but you should inform her, perhaps by writing a brief letter saying simply "I'm sorry to tell you that mother died on [day, date] after being ill [say what with] for [length of time]." If you think your sister will want to attend the funeral you should give her the details for that, too.

You don't have to say anything about your mother's refusal to inform your sister that she was dying, or about the will, or about anything else. You are acting correctly, and if your sister does have any questions, you've nothing to fear from them. Just treat her decently, punishing her for whatever she did before isn't your duty.

Follow your mother's wishes. No, if you feel this sister still represents a danger, I would not reach out to her. It is up to Uncle what he chooses to do. You haven't spoken with her for years. She stole from your Mother. You do not owe her anything. I hope that your Mother's will is clear and clearly disinherits the sister by name. That makes it much easier if she files suit, and she CAN file suit and try to delay things. You own attorney will know what to do about all that if it happens. File probate right away, so it is clear who the executor is.
I am sorry about this loss. I am sorry for your family. We have a similar problem in my own, and everyone has been clear to say there will be no notification, no filings of notices, and no one is responsible for notification. It is sad. It happens. I am sorry, very sorry about you coming loss.

Thank you everyone. My mom told me ‘no!’ Quite firmly when I asked her last week so I will honor her wishes. When we found out she stole I asked her if she wanted to press charges. She said no. I have always tried to be friends with my sister but my whole life it’s been more about what I can do for her, then love. After the theft my mother told me ‘that’s her inheritance’ she’s already got it. Granted I feel she will come after me regardless but I hope the lawyer can help. Can someone kindly explain probate and filing? I know you want to make sure it doesn’t go to probate but I thought that was only when they don’t have a will?

I hope your Mom put that in her Will that sister already got her inheritance. When you disinherit a child you better say why in the Will. Me personally, children should not assume they are entitled to anything.

Boy, some of us are an unforgiving bunch but I guess that comes from life experiences. Been burned too many times. And really, a child who can justify stealing from a parent has no conscious. But I have to agree that Moms wishes have to be abided by. The Uncle is not related to Mom so really has no say.

I would send a note once Mom passes informing sister that she passed and the date of the funeral. Then she has the choice to come or not come.

I so hope Mom kept proof of the theft. Sister could still contest the Will. Hard though when there is proof of wrong doing. I may even put that in the Will that sister had written checks off of Moms acct totaling $00,000 without Mom knowledge or consent and because of this, the $00,000 can be counted as sister's inheritance.

The nice folks here that say you should honor your mom's wishes after she passes are forgetting that your mom won't be hurt by your actions - but you could be hurt! Please do what you feel is right. Maybe there's no right choice here. Maybe you pick the least troublesome or the least aggravating.

Alternately, you might ask your father's uncle to help you out and tell your sister. You don't have to explain why. That way you never told her, per your mom's wishes, but she was still told by family.

I also have a sister that will NOT be getting informed by me when mom dies. She will not be welcome at the funeral. She was asked not to come to dad's (after one of my nosey aunts took it upon herself to notify her - gee thanks!) and honored it. She is also disinherited. I will fight her, hard, if she thinks she is getting anything after a lifetime of crappola.

So, after your sister stole from your mom, no way is she entitled to know anything about your mom. Nor is she entitled to a penny more.

I would totally write her off and be happier without her.
Good luck.

Kay, go on your states attorney general website and look at what amount of assets require filing of probate before you go to an attorney. This varies state to state and some are quite high.

Even with a will, if mom's assets are below this amount, you will not have to go through probate.

Tell your uncle. He can tell her. She'll find out one way or the other, but nothing says you have to do it.

I wouldn't worry about the estate. She'll get nowhere contesting it.

Sounds like a legal mess waiting to happen. If you have Financial Power of Attorney, you can do whatever you want with mom’s money without worrying about sister’s anger. If you do not have financial PoA, you may want to talk to a lawyer first.

Respect your mom. Do not ask your sister to come. That could destroy your mom’s last days.

Mom allowed a bad sibling to come visit her at the end of her life and it was a mistake. He would attend the doctor meetings with a tearful eye, “doctor, tell me how much time she has left…” and then go around the corner and make snide phone calls about the estate - within earshot.

I was sued by disinherited siblings and effectively defended the estate.

Don’t worry about the uncles and neighbors and all the others who will side with your bad sibling and criticize you and your mom.

Stand your ground, protect her and her wishes.

Send me private messages anytime.

If she has any time left, and is still coherent, I'd contact your attorney and have the estate turned into a trust. Or at the very least have your mom sign paperwork that the lawyer draws up that says anyone contesting her wishes will get nothing.

I'm in the same pickle. Although my sisters haven't stolen from my mom, they took every valuable piece of jewelry and furniture when she asked them to help her downsize. I ended up with nothing of value. Now I've been taking care of her for years and having to clean up a 20+ year old home to get ready for sale. My sisters have been nowhere for the last five years. When I asked mom to ask them if they wanted family photos, they said no. Sure, take that diamond ring, but a photo...no!

When my father died, I notified them. Big mistake. They were a****** at the funeral. When my Aunt was dying, I notified them. Big mistake. They took over rummaged through her jewelry and I believe, no real proof, hastened her death. Then made a big stink about me cleaning out her condo and sending them anything of value. When I invited them to spread her ashes at sea, they were nowhere to be found.

When my mom dies, I'm not going to contact them. I asked the attorney to contact them when she overdosed and ended up in the hospital. When she dies, I'm not going to contact them. I don't need the drama. Actions speak louder than words. Your sister sounds like an a**, just like mine. You can't pick your family, but you can pick how much drama and attention you bring on. It's her responsibility to stay in touch with mom so she knows when she passes. It's her responsibility to apologize and pay back mom, but she hasn't. She's an a******. Don't invite a****** to funerals is my moto.

Do you have proof, downloaded copies of forged checks? Also, checks with mom’s signature? That will stop her. I believe she could go to jail for forging a check. Also elder abuse.

You allegiance is to your mother! Period

In my opinion the 'correct' thing to do is to inform your sister after your mom passes, however with her attitude and her past actions I'd say to stay silent regardless of what your fathers uncle says. Your sister may come after you later, but it sounds like she has NO legal right to challenge your mom's will.

I have a younger brother who's a maritime lawyer who's a son of a gun, and didn't follow our parents will to the letter and I brought this to the attention of the New Jersey Bar Association as per the advice of my friend who worked for a law office in that state. The case is still pending due to the in depth investigation. Our brother cut our sister and myself off since 2009 because we dared challenged his 'authority'. He was named executor of our parents will which is like putting the fox in charge of the hen house. We were supposed to be included in any decisions but were marginalized.

There's more to the soap opera but that's the gist of it.

Richie

Why do you feel it necessary to tell your dad's uncle? Just settle the estate and then tell them if you feel the need.. That way sister can't do a thing about it. Or if you feel the need to tell them, just say that there will be no funeral or a funeral at a later date and just dont contact them. If sister bothers you tell her to leave you alone or you WILL have her brought up on charges for theft, forgery and elder abuse because you have proof of what she's done. You'd better get your proof in order just in case. Then if she bothers you, report her to authorities. Good luck to you.

I would respect your mothers wishes and not contact your sister. If you plan to tell your sister that your mom has passed once she does, make sure that everything is locked down or taken elsewhere so that you don't have to worry about her taking your moms things. Your sister obviously has issues and they aren't going away whether you contact her or not.

Im sorry you are having to deal with this on top of losing your mom.
Take care.

No, you don't need to Probate a will if the estate is not that large. But you do need to get a Short Certificate to be able to handle Moms final bills and work with Bank and creditors. I have a neighbor who worked in the Probate office. She explained how Probate works.

A Will with Executor...the Executor has to inform all beneficiaries and interested parties that the will has been Probated. It becomes public knowledge. They make sure debts are paid then follow wishes of the deceased.

Administrator...this happens when there is no Will. This person does the same thing as the Executor only the State determines who inherits.

Affidavit... this is done when there is no Will and the estate is less than 20k. The person getting the affidavit can pretty much do what they want. Had this with an exSIL who did not claim her brothers house in that 20k. The house was worth at least 50k as is.

So, I agree that if the estate is not large, you will not be required to probate.

I agree with James. If Mom owns a home, change the locks. I had a friend whose husband died leaving her the trailer they owned at the Shore. She happened to go down one day, and his son was taking things out of the trailer. She told him to return the items, that the trailer and the contents had been left to her.

It is important she leaves your sister something in her will like $1. That way there is a conscious decision and insures she was just not forgotten. If not your sister had grounds to contest the will that she was simply forgotten.
advice from a lawyer.

My mom and her sister were estranged and when mom was dying she didn't want her sister to know. So I told other family members but with instructions not to inform mom's sister until after she passed away. Which is what happened. So after she's gone it really doesn't matter any more.

Your sister has the right to say goodbye to her mother as much as you do.
Of course unsurprisingly your moms dementia didn’t set in until AFTER mom changed the will.
Of course you want to honor your moms medical wishes.
Shame on you for keeping your mother and sister apart and shame on you for doing the same thing you accused your “much older “ sister of doing.
You are stealing her inheritance.
What right does your “boyfriend” have in this matter.
He stands to benefit from your gain.
Stop being greedy and call your sister .
When you inherit. everything give half to your sister not your boyfriend.

I would wait until she asks, "Where's mom?" If she never asks, let it go. Your mother is the person who made decisions for the last chapter of her life; your sister is not the captain of that ship. YOU have the option of blocking her on your phone.

In my own situation, I feel Im more than likely going to experience the same situation. Personally, her wishes dont just cover medical decisions it covers a multitude of things, in that case I would respect your mothers choice.

So sorry for your situation & your mother being on hospice.

BF has NO SAY in the matter.

When you sister took $$$ from your mother, was it to pay your mother’s bills? Or buy anything for her..like food, supplies or clothes? Were you able to do a full accounting of what sis took ..or just listened to what your mother told you? Did mother have dementia at the time of the stealing accusations? Because most dementia patients accuse their caregivers …especially if they’re family members…of stealing. I would tell sister anyway about mother..then say when she arrives…sis is here..would you like to see her? Hugs 🤗

What you are really saying is you are concerned your sister will sue you for part of the money from your mothers estate. ..However, you didn't ask any clear question Im guessing (perhaps mistakenly) that you sister was your Mothers primary caretaker while they were living together.
There are many ways to see any given situation..
At the end of the day the guilt you are expressing about your sister is your Higher self letting you know there is a better way
Whatever you decide, "the greatest good for the greatest number of people" is alway the best way"

Unless someone is a true troller, it doesn't do anyone, posters or responders, any good to come to, or be on a forum to, seek help or give guidance if we name-call, offer criticism that isn't constructive, judge, etc. Everyone is here for help or give help. But...we're human. Just asking if all of us can make our points without being destructive. We come here for a little peace and understanding in a world, and in our private worlds, that are already tough enough. It's easy to scare off people who might find the answers they need from all the vast experiences and wisdom on this forum.

Peace out.