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MissyT5 Asked March 2022

Handheld urinal etiquette when receiving visitors: Am I being overly sensitive?

My husband is using handheld urinals at home, as this is the best solution for his conditions. It ends up being neater, as it minimizes accidents. Since the urinals should be easily accessible, they are placed in the most used areas of the house. He is emptying them in the bathroom and thoroughly cleaning them each time. I like our arrangement when it's just the two of us, since there are few boundaries between us as spouses.


We have a strong disagreement when it comes to receiving visitors. I prefer that in those times we keep the urinals less visible, either in a corner, covered or in the bathroom. He sees that as an affront to himself and his condition, and insists I shouldn't be ashamed of him. I don't want him to feel less than, yet I still can't get myself to be ok with actual urine being in sight of our guests. If the urinal is not totally empty, there is little doubt what's in it.


The other aspect is that even though he started to use adult diapers at times, keeping the urinals out of sight could lead to even more embarrassing accidents if he cannot reach one easily.


Please help me understand if I am being overly sensitive. Do you have any advice how to handle this from a relationship perspective or a more practical way?

Debambler Mar 2022
I would get a non-transparent urinal (they come in colors and there are also stainless steel models). And use the solidifier and deodorizer granules inside to absorb the liquid and odor.

BurntCaregiver Mar 2022
It's understandable for you to want the urinals out of sight or disguised when there are guests visiting and you are not being over-sensitive.
Your husband being unreasonable. Urinals are not like light switches and don't have to be mounted on the walls.
When you have company does your husband walk them all over the house to visit, so there has to be urinals everywhere?
What so often happens when a person has health issues and they don't live alone, they assume that the whole house is only theirs and everyone in it is there to serve them and make their lives convenient. They don't realize that other people share the home and have lives.
You have a right to have company in your home and when they are there to not have urinals all over the place. That is not an unreasonable request.

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Tynagh Mar 2022
Perhaps you should put it to him "eloquently" : No one likes to watch another person pee into a jar. It has nothing to do with there being an affront to his condition or to himself. It's a fact of life. Public jar peeing is an affront to guests. Certainly if the guests are staying for only an hour or two, he might avail himself of using the bathroom more frequently (excuse himself to the toilet, even if he does not "feel the need" to ensure non-leakage). That in combination with the liquid absorbing underwear should help.
KPWCSC Mar 2022
Tynagh, I did not take MissyT5 saying he would use them in front of guests, only that the urinals would be around the house in sight of the guests... maybe sometimes with urine left in them. MissyT5... can you clarify?
JColl7 Mar 2022
You two must be a lovely couple and have good friends because quite frankly, I think once I visited someone and saw urinals sitting all over the house, that would be my last visit. I would telephone to say hi from that point. Maybe it’s just me.
graygrammie Mar 2022
Not just you. :)
Flowerhouse1952 Mar 2022
I'm not trying to sound insensitive here but, is your husband a bit of a narcissist trying to draw attention to his health issues to get people to feel sorry for him?
If he can get up to clean urinals etc, why can't he get up, go into the bathroom to use urinal? Is he being lazy and strategically placing urinals at convienient places? I guess I'm not understanding his thinking? You are absolutely right! They need to be put away or covered. Better yet, perhaps he needs a catheter? That can be covered as well and doesn't even have to get up! I'd have his Dr talk to him about this!
lealonnie1 Mar 2022
Exactly. Which is why I was thinking dementia is at play here. Who would want to keep urinals all over the house, in front of guests??? Makes NO sense whatsoever.
Beatty Mar 2022
Ok. Here's my little 2c.
He wants urinals close by. You want them out of sight when visitors arrive.

Both valid reasons. His is more about his physical needs but I am not dismissing the embaressment this causes you.

What about a compromise?

He gets one urinal to be placed nearby when visitors call. Not on show. Discrete, down low, besides his chair where he can grab it. Not sitting up on the coffee table like a vase. I think that's reasonable.

When he has to go, he can just say so. Visitors then leave the room. He voids & he or you dispose. Wash hands & resume visit.

If I visit someone & hear "I have to use the bottle now" that's my cue to leave the room!

If your visitors are hard of hearing, or slow to catch on, they may need a nudge into the next room. That can be done with little fuss, just use honesty & let the visitors use their social skills. I doubt many would be truly shocked at that - if so, they must have had quite sheltered lives. If small children are visitors they may need a little wording up first, unless you like inquisitive personal why questions 😉

My friend (female) was asked by my small manchild where the catheter went, & could he see where it was plumbed in? 🤣

Grandma1954 Mar 2022
How often is this a problem?
the times that you expect company is it possible to use a condom catheter? No need for a hand help urinal and no one would even be aware that he is voiding.

I do not understand his reluctance to either cover, hide or even remove the urinals when you have company. Would he actually sit on the couch or in his chair and grab the urinal and use it while entertaining company?
If he can get up and empty and clean the urinal I see no reason why for a time he could not get up and use the bathroom. (Obviously unless there is a medical condition that makes this impossible but your post does not indicate so)
Katefalc Mar 2022
Why can’t he just go into the bathroom? She said he empty’s the urinals and rinses them out. If he can do THAT, he can go into the bathroom
Birdymom Mar 2022
My husband uses a urinal as he cannot get to the bathroom quick enough due to Parkinson’s. All of our friends understand. We put it in a more discreet place when company comes. It is cleaned and deodorized by me every time he uses it so there is no odor. When he needs to use it I ask the guests to leave the room and I have to help him. We don’t have urinals all over the house. Our friends understand. Perhaps the husband is slow in movement and can’t get to the bathroom in time but can eventually take care of cleaning the urinal. It bothered me at first but sometimes we have to adapt to circumstances beyond our control. If there is urine hanging in urinals or an odor that would not be acceptable to me. We have had to adapt and some things are not pleasant but it is what it is.
Knitcrazy Mar 2022
Hi

What do u use to deodorize his urinals?

I am looking into disposable pants but don't know which kind to get. He is boxer wearer so it will feel odd to him
MJ1929 Mar 2022
Point out that everyone on the planet urinates, so using his reasoning, anyone who goes into the bathroom and closes the door is disrespecting their need to urinate.
In the days when you had your period, was he disrespectful enough to expect you to deal with that in privacy, too? Tsk, tsk.

JoAnn29 Mar 2022
My Dad used a urinal when he was bedbound. No, I really didn't like that it was out in the open but I understood the need. Not sure how I would be if it was a friend though. Especially seeing them all over the house. And, I would not want to see anyone using one in front of me, even if under a blanket. But then I am weird about bodily functions. Reason I never considered nursing as a career. My RN daughter, nothing fazes her. 😊

If its a man friend visiting, no problem but not sure if a woman would be comfortable. Really, men look at this completely different than women.
graygrammie Mar 2022
I am weird about bodily functions too. In fact, I have a hard time visiting in a hospital room if the urine bag is visible. I cover it with a towel. Anything that comes out of the body -- except blood -- will cause me to gag. I guess blood isn't wastematter, so maybe that is why it doesn't bother me.

I was unable to hold the urinal for my husband when he was in the hospital so my sister (a nurse) and her husband (AF medic) took care of that when the staff didn't respond quickly enough. And I left the room!

Honestly, if I visited someone who had urinals sitting around, I probably would not stay long and most definitely would not come back.

There was a meme going around on FB captioned, "Went to the nursing home's annual yard sale and picked up this great new gravy boat." And of course the picture was of a urinal pouring gravy at Thanksgiving. I gagged.
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