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Cutlass101 Asked February 2022

Hello, any tips to help a caregiver with a family member who’s had two strokes and diabetes and problems with her veins?

Hello I’m new to the forum and I’m just looking for any tips to help me with being a caregiver for mom and sometimes my dad. My mom has had two strokes and has diabetes and memory problems and vein problems. I spend most of the day trying to help her get around not to mention she has had foot surgery due to ulcers at the bottom of her feet. I find it hard and sometimes overwhelming to assist her given all the issues she has and I know during this period of covid I can’t have people in my house and she would refuse to have a nurse help her with daily activities or make a excuse about how it cost to much. Also to mention she having vision problems due to havIng strokes. So I’m hoping if there’s anyone out there that’s had or having the same problems I’m dealing with being a caregiver and how they handled things cause I’m only one person and sometimes I just feel that I can’t meet all things she needs or what my dad needs! They both have issues walking and use walkers but sometimes he falls down by accident so if you can give me some tips to help me cope with the situations I would gladly appreciate it. Thank you

JoAnn29 Feb 2022
A suggestion. When Mom gets in home care, make sure a wound care nurse is involved. Healing for a diabetic is long and needs someone trained in what to look for and to properly care for the wound.

Countrymouse Feb 2022
"I’d have to see what she wants to do."

No, have to stop you there. You have to see what YOU need to do.

1. Job. 2. Place of your own. 3. Health and wellbeing (you). 4. Everything else that is important to you.

Read this sentence aloud: I can't earn any money or have a life because my mother needs me and only me to help her mobilise to the bathroom.

If anyone else said that, would you nod in agreement that it all sounds quite sensible? "Oh well, there it is then. You're screwed, but as long as your mother's happy..."

You have to earn your keep. You need also not to lose your mind. And you must prioritise your health, which means not becoming a full-time aide in a domestic environment with carpets on the floors and no proper lifting or moving equipment. As long as overworking you means that your parents don't have to accept outside help or consider moving, they won't budge an inch - why should they? - they're very comfy, thank you. But you are not their best solution, not trained to meet their needs, not qualified to recognise important developments, and above all lacking the 4-6 hands required to do the work.

How do I suggest you tell your mother all this...

For someone who feels as duty-bound as you do, and possibly FOG-bound too but never mind that for now, it is a difficult conversation to begin. But remember: you are telling, not asking. So first get your plans down on paper/in the calendar, accept/organise whatever support services are available, then tell your parents what the schedule is, head down, go for it.

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JoAnn29 Feb 2022
If your Mom has sores on her feet from diabetes, things probably will get worse. My GF was a juvenile diabetic and had a sore that wouldn't heal. Gangrene becomes a problem from bad circulation. My GF lost her leg from the knee down. She was never able to wear a prosthesis so scooter bound. She then was doing kidney dialysis but her veins became a problem. Last ditch effort peritoneal dialysis. She passed at 63.

I agree, Mom and Dad need to go to an AL or LTC. Things are going to get worse.
Cutlass101 Feb 2022
Well miss joann that all depends I gotta try to get them to see better options but in the meantime I’ll try to do what I can and sorry to hear that about your gf things do happen but all we can do is try and get the help which at some point I’m gonna have to do because I can’t do it all myself
funkygrandma59 Feb 2022
You are in WAY over your head, and you will NEVER be able to meet all their needs. You are only one person, and something HAS to change before it will be you that is needing to be cared for.
Your mom and dad both need to be placed in the appropriate facilities, where they will receive the care they need 24/7 and you can get back to just being their advocate and child. Unless of course they can afford to pay for 24/7 in home help. If your mom is only 64 years old, that means that you are fairly young and need to be working and contributing to your own social security and savings, so you won't be left in a bind when you're older and needing to be cared for.
You can't continue to use "Covid" as an excuse as that is here to stay. It's not going anywhere, and will eventually just be like our typical flu season.
So quit making excuses and letting your parents make excuses and start making the necessary changes, so you can get your life back on track, and your parents can receive the 24/7 care they need.
Cutlass101 Feb 2022
Thank you for the reply indeed my mom is trying to get rehabilitation at home once her feet heal which may take a bit. But you right I’m gonna have to draw a line soon I try to do what I can and I’m thinking of getting counseling service for myself while I’m dealing with these issues It’s hard to get them the help if they don’t want it but I’m try to see if they willing to try it. I’d like to get my life back someday for sure. Plus covid isn’t a excuse but brings more fear just gotta ask those who do want to come to the home are they being rapid tested if not then they can’t come it’s how it’s gonna be!
Countrymouse Feb 2022
Hang on.

Your mother is 64? You are living in her and your father's house? You are recovering, almost recovered, from a back injury and you've put your job search on hold?

Then there's this: "I find it hard and sometimes overwhelming to assist her given all the issues she has." Given all the issues, yes, but also given that there is only one of you and just the standard 24 hours in the day, and that's not including your father's needs.

Covid and tight-fistedness do not amount to a valid reason for your giving up your health and your prospects to provide your mother with support that isn't going to meet her and your father's full needs anyway. Draw a line in the sand *now* because otherwise a year or two down the line your back will be broken, your job prospects will be set back far more, you'll be struggling to cope and you'll be in even less of a position to create a workable plan.

Has anyone done a proper, comprehensive assessment of your parents' care and support needs? How about that as a first step?
Cutlass101 Feb 2022
thanks for the reply well the rehabilitation program for my mom will stop in to assess things once her feet heal she sighed up for home service but they haven’t had anything else they both won’t allow that but how you suggest I talk to them about it? I do need some self care and time to myself to get my life back on track. Lord knows I’ve had some sleepless nights for awhile. Her health care provider might have some programs to help but I’d have to see what she wants to do.

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