Questioning why I am doing this. Advice?
I have been living with and helping my mom and stepdad for the past three years. They are both in their 80’s, facing health issues. She doesn’t drive, uses a walker for assistance, and isn’t able to write anymore. My stepdad can drive for now(that’s another post In itself), does their laundry, and makes his own meal in the evening. I cook our main meal at lunchtime, do the cleaning, grocery shopping, take my mom to medical appointments, serve as medical memory for both of their appointments, pay bills for my mom, and usually take care of the yard work as well.
I recently discovered I will need shoulder surgery for a torn rotator cuff, and will be unable to do much for 4-6 weeks after the surgery: no driving or use of the involved arm for that timeframe. I have a wonderful friend who lives out of town who is willing to come stay with us and help out. When I brought up the idea of her coming to stay here for a few weeks, my mom was very hesitant about having someone else stay here and disrupting her routine. She said she thought she and my stepdad could manage to feed themselves without help, not considering that I will need help myself, even though I have made her aware of this. She finally relented with “well, it’s something to think about “.
I am completely frustrated that someone who has benefited from my caregiving for the last three years seems unwilling to disrupt her life for a few weeks so that I can get help. This after I have left my home in the Pacific Northwest to come out here to this rural area, and put my life on hold to take care of her. A large part of me is considering leaving and going back there, letting them see how they can manage on their own. I know it’s snarky, but why am I putting my own life on the back burner for someone who isn’t willing to suffer temporary inconvenience for my benefit?
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You may have to be more blunt. "Mom, I moved out here to help you and Dad, now I will need help. This is a serious operation and there are things I will not be able to do for you, like drive. My friend will be able to do for you what I can't. If she can't come here and stay, you are going to need to hire someone who can.
Wishing you a fast recovery from your surgery. Maybe it will be a good chance to pause? Put down your oars for a while... You've been rowing for three for so long it's a wonder you have any shoulders left!
After some reflection time, the future may look clearer.
I understand your frustration. It doesn’t sound like your parents are able to process how intensive their care has been.
I very much agree with Barb. This isn’t about them. You are having surgery. You help them get through their day. Whether it’s for them or for yourself, additional help will will needed while you recover.
What would YOU tell a patient of yours that’s needed in a situation like this?
Would a fiblet of ‘this is per the order of the surgeon’ help?
Quite honestly, it would be of benefit to trial this with an eye to having a more permanent help pattern set up. Just overlap care assistance as you recover. It would be a kindness to a wonderful friend if you could get a caregiver in to help give her a break while she’s helping you, even if it’s just for both of you popping out to lunch sometimes. Your parents will adapt.
Could you see if there is a facility nearby that your parents can stay at after your surgery? Some offer respite care. Your friend could then place all of her attention on your care, which won’t be as demanding for her. Plus, you will be cared for.
They will either discover that my help is really essential to their life and perhaps be a little more appreciative, or will discover they can manage without me and I can return to living on my own. It’s beginning to sound like a win-win situation!
I can't blame you for a moment for mentally stomping about in a huff - [mutter mutter grumble rhubarb why do I bother...]. I do this about four times a week on average, and often have a good old rant to myself in my car as well. But eyes on the prize: your friend IS coming to stay, it is an integral part of your recovery plan, and that, mother, is that. Like it or lump it.
When do you expect to have the surgery?
I had similar thoughts. The OP is used to caregiving. If this friend isn’t used to handling medical situations, she may become overwhelmed.
Why did you leave your home to be their caregiver?
I feel for you. My husband has had shoulder rotator cuff surgery on each shoulder. It’s extremely painful. You will need many hours of physical therapy after your surgery.
I am sorry that your mom wasn’t very compassionate, regarding your needs.
No one would blame you if you resumed your previous life. Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area to see what help is available for your parents? You could also speak to a social worker to help guide you with planning for their future care in a suitable facility.
Wishing you peace as you navigate your way through this difficult time in your life. Take care.
If they asked you to come, your position is strong. "Mom, I will need some help after surgery, so my friend will be coming to stay while I recover." There is no "asking for permission" involved.
If you swooped, then it's time to go home and let them manage on their own, perhaps hiring the help they need.