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Nurturbynature Asked January 2022

Imminent sibling estrangement due to lack of concern and money. How could someone dishonor their parent and live with themselves?

I apologize in advance for my rant, but I just have to get this out. My mother passed a few months back. For the most part, she had her legal affairs in order with her 3 children as equal beneficiaries per her will. The only exception was an insurance policy left to an older child many many years ago with the expectation that the older sibling would look out for the other 2 younger siblings. I truly believe it was a complete oversight as to why my mother didn't update the beneficiary information.


Fast forward to today, all sibs are fully grown and that older sibling didn't lift a finger during mother's four year cancer journey. They may have visited a total of 5x for a total of 10 hours and maybe called once a week if that. Reason given "I'm busy".


I know there is nothing I can do if this sibling decides to keep that entire insurance policy. I was the one who scraficed and cared for my mother and would do it again. My other sibling helped me out as much as they could and fully supports me. So my question would be how could someone dishonor their parent and live with themselves knowing full well the intent of their parent wishes? I have much faith and I shutter to think what's going to happen to this soon to be estranged sibling.


Thanks for listening.

AlvaDeer Jan 2022
Some people just aren't very nice.
That goes for siblings, spouses, parents, etc.
You have known this to be the case for some time.
These people live with themselves very nicely, and often pass along without a care in the world; I myself don't believe in kharma or divine retribution.
These people are best left to their own devices and their own lives; that seems to have been the case all these years anyway. And on you go with a good life of your own, treasuring your memories and knowing you did a great job.
Just get on with life, and make it good, make it quality, make it as happy as you can. I wish you the best and am sorry for your loss.

FarFarAway Jan 2022
This is something I struggle with, I am left to help my parents while my sister visits once every few months for less than an hour. When the day comes that both my parents are gone there is no doubt that my sister will be right there with her hand out. But it comes as no surprise because she has always only been there to take. I don't know how you deal with it but my plan is to go for the 'Best revenge in life is living well" strategy because I can think of nothing else to do. Waste no more of your life being angry at someone who just doesn't care how you feel..take that time back and look for happiness ....and someday.. when that sibling looks to you for help, well, you will be too busy, somewhere on a beach.
Remember what you did for your mum and be proud of the kind of person you are, really proud. Now go and treat yourself accordingly.

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Susanora Jan 2022
We are all wired differently. Simply put.

My siblings badgered my cognitively impaired father to change his beneficiary from my mother, to the two of them ~ he died nine days later due to an “accident.”

Months later, as my mother lay dying in a hospital bed, a sibling walked in and, in the last words he spoke to me, they said, “I can only stay an hour.”

I was the primary care support for my parents the last 4 years of their lives and dropped everything at each crisis moment.

I wish you peace as you close that door of that relationship and cherish the bond with your likeminded sibling. It’s okay to let go of people who you will never understand.

Thank you for being the angel to your parent. They knew goodness.

Nurturbynature Jan 2022
Yes, I'm very proud for taking good care of my mother. I made her feel safe and loved and she was happy until she passed away. Thanks for your kind words.

Midkid58 Jan 2022
I have been constantly surprised by how NOT surprised I am by some people's actions.

My OB robbed my parents blind, yet in their will, he would have received 1/6th of their estate, just like the rest of us who DIDN'T take their home equity, silver, antiques and coin collections.

OB passed 11 years ago, but the will pre-dated his death and I have to say, that it rankled in my soul that he could be so greedy and STILL inherit the same as the rest of us.

It's less than $10K a piece, but he had bilked mom and dad of almost $200K.

Tothill Jan 2022
This is one of the reasons why I as a financial planning professional revisit beneficiary designations on an annual basis.

Your sibling has no legal reason to share the insurance proceeds with you. If as you say the policy was set up a long time ago, was it done when you and your other sibling were minors? In which case it makes sense.

No one is obligated to provide care to their parents, or visit etc. Even two siblings who were raised in the same home can have very different upbringings and feelings about providing care. It does not mean one is right and the other wrong.
Nurturbynature Jan 2022
I get all that your saying and thanks for your input.
NYCmama Jan 2022
Let it go. The anger you feel hurts no one but you. The most important thing is knowing you gave your all to caring for your Mom. May she rest in peace.

ConnieCaretaker Jan 2022
Let go.................block the phone and let them take any belongings they want. Cleanse your mind of resentment and judgement so that you can set yourself free. I wrote a letter to my older brother to tell him I never wanted to see him or hear from him again; he was a horrible brother, a horrible son and a loser husband (which was none of my business, but I felt sorry for his weak wife).

I have been free of resentment and contact for 40 years and I'm grateful that I took the high road. When we carry the burden of hate, we weigh ourselves down and set limitations on our happiness: don't do that!

Toomush Jan 2022
It is amazing the way that the poor health, advanced needs or death of a parent can bring out the absolute worst in sibling children. Sometimes, you have to think that it is the way those parents wanted it to be. That parent could have changed the beneficiary to that policy at any time. We can only hope to move forward with our own children. My mother (turning 100f this year) lives with my wife and I. Neither of her other children could do this. I'm her POA in every respect. Two years ago, I made sure her will spread whatever she has left after her demise equally between all three. My intention is to never carry slights into the future. Help me hope it works out that way. It is no one's fault to be born, and whatever we feel we owe our parents is our own decision, no one else's.

carp62 Jan 2022
Saying prayers for you to find peace and putting your stress and irritation for your sibling behind you. You can’t change the situation or brother and so why waste your emotion and time with that and instead be grateful for the time and opportunity to care for your mom. I have been through this very scenario and I really had to get past how I felt he should have been as a son but he Is a narcissist so there will never be any reasoning with him and actually it was also a blessing in disguise that I didn’t have to deal with him for the 3 years my mom was ill and lived with me. Of course I couldn’t see any of that in the midst of it but in time I’ve learned that it was a true blessing to share that time with my mom and If I had to do it again as stressful as it was.. I sleep very well every night and I’m grateful! No room to dwell…not going to do anything but hold you back or stuck in the past.
BTW I have nothing to do with my brother; I don’t want someone like that in my life regardless that we’re related.
Michelle2828 Feb 2022
she's talking about her sister here.....
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