Follow
Share

New to site, glad to find ya'll! I have two problems. 1) I have a 77 yr. old widow Mom who wants me to wait on her hand & foot, which she denied months later. She is a controlling person and is very stubborn till she gets what she wants. She has back and left leg problems under medical care now. They recommend more motion and the only way I can make her do this is by having her get up and do for herself. Otherwise, she can stay still up to 16 hrs. at a time, really bad for her. I check everything out with her doctors, even the made up stuff. She'll call her sisters and my sister and tell them I need to show her more compassion. I then get the polite phone calls supporting her wants instead of what is best for her. Should I politely respond to the family and tell them the truth about what is going on? I could really use their help to get Mom to do the doctors' advice, instead of enabling her. 2) Out of 3 kids, I am the only one to care for Mom. We wanted Mom to live in our house but my sister, controlling herself, insisted Mom get her own house and put it on our farm. She is now bitter because she did not run the remodeling of the house, we did what my mom wanted. Mom decided that we inherit the house because we are her caregivers. Everything about the house is in our name and it is written on a piece of paper, signed by Mom. My sister has POA and MPOA, decided years ago but she is showing signs of not following Mom's wishes already. I worry about her following Mom's wishes and her trying to get the house. She and my brother inherit everything else without lifting a finger. We don't care about the house but losing our land. Can we lose it? How do we protect our property?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
The only thing I would suggest is to ask your mothers doctor to order a physical therapy evaluation. They can check her out for physical and occupational therapy. If they see anything wrong then they will let you know. And the therapy will strengthen her and revive her. She will enjoy the company. Think of it as a tonic and have her get it ever so often. Then you are able to have medical back up that mom should keep busy.
Does she still drive?
And if I were you I would tell her that she should sign you as her primary medical POA and sister as backup unless sister intends to take her care over in near future.
Are you paying the taxes and insurance on her house or is mother paying her way? I’d ask the attorney about that as well. You might need a lease of some sort that says she is to pay the insurance if that’s the case. Come back and let us know how it goes.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Caringfarmgal, This was like reading my story,but I don't live on a farm. Lets face facts. Our Mothers may be the laziest people on earth. I have been thinking about burning her chair just to get her out of it. She would just get a different one. Same personality also. Expects the world to be handed to her. This mentality gets real old real fast. I also have siblings doing the same catering. However, they do it from afar and won't have her anywhere near them. I have found a suggestion from one of these nice folks that is helping me cope. Treat her as a neighbor. Not a long lost love. As far as the house is concerned, who has actual ownership of the house. If it belongs to you and your spouse and sits on your property. Mom can't really say anything nor can the POA. Who has the deed? If the land is yours but not the house, move the house. Hang in there. We have a long way to go.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I thank ya'll for all the answers and great suggestions. We will contact a lawyer about our land and her house plus to review her present will. I do not think Mom will take my sister off as POA and MPOA because she is worried about hurting her feelings. (Mom also uses her as an ally when Mom and I disagree.) I've already seen how my sister helped my Mom at our stepfather's funeral 2 yrs ago...... she ran the show, ran Mom ragged , intentionally hurt people's feelings and has also gone behind Mom's back to try to distribute items to family members. Mom is taking her time to do it right but it is not fast enough for my sister and it is causing unnecessary bad feelings in the family. My brother (he gives emotional support but is helping win the war on the other side of the world) and I do not care about material items, we're just concerned about what right I have as caregiver without the MPOA. I believe ya'll's suggestion about seeing an elder law attorney will answer that question as well.
I hate that so many of ya'll had to go thru tough times in difficult times to know the answers to my questions, but, I thank each one of you for taking the time to help!
God bless ya'll
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

There were lots of challenges growing up in poverty. But there is something to be said for parents not having anything to be distributed after they are gone.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Consulting an elder law attorney sounds like a good idea. It would also probably be a good idea to write out a list of all your concerns before you see the lawyer, so you don't forget anything.

I would politely explain to your siblings what is going on, what the doctor said, how it is in your mother's best interest to do as much as she can for herself, and how you are trying to help her by not helping her, so to speak. You can also ask for their help with things like getting her to doctor's appointments, but don't hold your breath. I've read too many posts from caregivers who wound up stuck with all the responsibility and got little to no help from their siblings. But maybe yours will be different. It's worth a try.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

caringfarmgal, the fact that Mom has a house on your land, is where an Attorney needs to come in as this is very complex. I assume Mom doesn't have a "land lease" for where the house sits.

I would highly recommend you contact an Elder Law Attorney and set up an appointment with Mom present at the appointment. Have the Attorney look over any legal documents that your Mom had signed over the years to make sure the legal language is up-to-date. Talk about the house and the land.

Mom's Will might be older than dirt, so changes would need to be made to reflex current laws. Mom might even want to change her Power of Attorney if your sister isn't following the purpose of a said POA.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Yes a will or trust is probably the safest. My dad passed away and had vehicles in his name only and only one could go to my mother. The rest have to go through probate court. I’m prepared to walk away from squabbling siblings if or when the time comes. If there is anything left trusted to me, I will have an attorney handle it. I wish the best and especially since the home is on your land.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I did mean that anything she wants to leave to a specific person should be in her will.

Good catch Jeanne.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Welcome, Caring Farm Gal!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Mom can leave her property as she sees fit. But it better not be simply "written down" -- she better have a will. If the house is already in your name, then you own it. How about the land it sits on? Surely you own that along with the house.

It doesn't matter that the POA was decided years ago. Mom can change it any time she wants.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Welcome again, CFG. Mom should put her wishes in writing. Maybe she wants to change POA's? She can do that anytime if she is competent.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter