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Tajann Asked January 2022

How do I handle this situation?

My mom is finally in an inpatient rehab after 4 weeks in the hospital. Today the wound care nurse called me to say my mom refused to allow her to check her surgical site and take pictures. When I called my mom she was very angry and said the nurse already checked her when she was transferred over the weekend. I explained that the wound care nurse also needs to check the site and take pictures. My mom said they just want to squeeze out any money they can. I told her that's not true and she got angry with me and said I believe everything they say and she mentioned that my older sister "was right". And she told me she doesn't want me to go to the Dr appointment with her this week, after I already ask for the day off work. I am at the end of my rope with the rollercoaster of moods every day. If she thinks my sister who lives a 1000 miles away could help make better decisions then why doesn't she have the drs and care team call her? Am I mean to suggest this to my mom? I am juggling a full time job and the only family member who has been back and forth to hospitals since October. But my mom thinks I am mean for suggesting that she cooperate with the care team. I am ready to give up. I am not even her POA.

lealonnie1 Jan 2022
Ok, so your mother is acting unhinged. This type of behavior is common after surgery and an extended 4 week stay in the hospital. Now she's in rehab and acting out...totally common. When my parents were hospitalized and then went to rehab, they were suffering from hospital delirium where mom was seeing mice crawling on the floor! Angry outbursts and all sorts of mood swings go with the territory, I'm sorry to say. Your mother has had her whole life thrown upside down and she's discombobulated, uncomfortable and baring her teeth now. It's not you, it's her circumstances she's railing against. And yes, she can definitely have a UTI, be reacting to meds (especially painkillers), have another type of infection in her surgical wound, or showing Sundowning symptoms which my dad did in spades while in rehab.

Don't take her behavior personally, if possible. Speak to the staff at the SNF and get their feedback on what they think is going on. Have her checked for a UTI via a urinalysis. Has she been checked for dementia? This whole mess started because she was on a ladder trying to fix something which shows impaired judgement. She's also showing signs of confusion by saying she'll go alone to the doctors appointment which isn't possible. These are all signs that there is something organically wrong with her, either mentally or physically. You need to rule that out before you get insulted by her snarky remarks.

Your sister is another story. To be an armchair critic and blame you for mother's accident is a terrible thing to do. While you are the boots on the ground daughter and she's the one "supervising" from her recliner, what a joke. But that's a matter for another time. If mother turns out to be fine and just having a meltdown, tell them both they're welcome to each other from now on, that you'll retire from the thankless job you're so "lousy" at anyway. Snicker.

Wishing you the best of luck getting to the bottom of what's happening with mom.

JoAnn29 Jan 2022
If she thinks your sister can make better decisions then tell her to call your sister then. Tell her to make sure the staff has sisters phone # so they will call her. Tell her you hope she has a ride to the Doctor's since she doesn't want you going.

If your Mom will not except your input and she thinks she knows best, then she is on her own.

From your last 2 posts, are u sure there is no Dementia involved? I cannot imagine the Nurse threw her pills at her. But with Dementia her mind could have seen it that way. A nurse will hold a persons hand to make sure they take the cup of pills. If Moms actions are new, I would have her checked out. If she was always like this and sister too, then I would back off. You are a scapegoat. Like u said, u can't oversee Mom 24/7. Seems like Mom and sister know best so let them deal with Moms health problems together.

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BarbBrooklyn Jan 2022
Start by having mom tested for a UTI (urinary tract infection).

These can cause behavioral symptoms. Often, they made my mom act completely out of character.

Beatty Jan 2022
Hmm. Fear? Is Mother scared?
Sometimes fear makes people lash out, especially at our nearest & dearest.

Not excusing her behaviour.. just thinking here.

Loss of control? 'If I can't controll everything I'll call my daughter to control everything...' ? Or guilt daughter into doing everything my way?

Have you heard of FOG?
Fear. Obligation. Guilt.
Is that subconscious undercurrent at work here?

I think you must be doing great to ignore those calls while at work. Keep that up. The rehab would call you if a true emergency.

I don't know how others managed to get out of the FOG but for me, I think of the most commonsense answer & use that. Eg: If you can't walk, you need a wheelchair. If you can't push the chair yourself, you need help. If you can't cope at home, you can't be at home.

(Or sometimes I get silly & suggest flying, faeries or a magic wand instead 🦄🧚‍♀️💫)

PeggySue2020 Jan 2022
Tajann, can you contact your sister and get on the same page about mother's behavior instead of allowing mother to triangulate you two?

She and sister should both be grateful that you were there for the hosp. You are there for the rehab. And that should be it. If she demands more help, helpfully suggest some agencies. That's it. Do not be this person's 24/7. It will only get worse.
Beatty Jan 2022
*triangulate* yes!

The drama triangle: Mother puts herself in Victim corner, pushes the OP to be either Fixer of her problems or Persecutor (mean) when doesn't.
Tajann Jan 2022
No one has POA and she doesn't seem to care. And quite frankly, I don't care either at this point. I have bent over backwards to help her in more ways than most would. I found her a great rehab facility close to her home and now she wants to argue with the staff and tell me how I believe everything they say. Now she said if "you can't" go with me then I'll go by myself. She would never make it to the Dr appointment by herself. The hospital is huge. She is non weight bearing on the surgical leg. She has transportation to the hospital but they aren't responsible for taking her to the 23rd floor for her appointment. and then she will tell my sister how awful I am for not going with her. Just like she told her how awful I am for putting her in a "nursing home". Which is a rehab.
Ariadnee Jan 2022
I couldn't reply to you below....anywhooo....either you or your sister had better figgure out the POA-or your mother is SOL (shiate outta luck) with a lotta stuff....a lot. The dynamic you have described between your sister and your mother seems as if you are their play thing. Mom falls, it's your fault per your sister, Mom is non-compliant medically with her care team, it's your fault. Interesting. Time to step back, disengage and let each of them come to terms with their own behavior. Keep your phone turned down, no need to get caught up in their dramas, seems like it will never end and you are not the cause of their issues. They do not have to change. You can!
Beatty Jan 2022
Maybe you don't need to 'give up', but why not step back?
Step out of the drama. Watch from the sides.

As you say, you are not POA - so if Mother is in control - let her be.

I agree with PeggySue. Suggest Mother co-operate with her care team.

* Suggest. Then step out.
* Mother will make her own decisions.
* Mother deals with the consequences of her own decisions.

If that means a slow healing wound & a longer stay... so be it.

There is a world of difference between 'mean' & common sense. Calling someone 'mean' to get what you want sounds like manipulation to me.
Tajann Jan 2022
My mom calls me several times a day. Even on days I am working. I have had to ignore her calls at work. Then the wound care nurse called me today but my mom doesn't want to listen to me. So I do need to make it clear to the staff but my mom will still want me involved. Only to turn around and get angry with me.
Ariadnee Jan 2022
Step back a bit. Since she doesn't want you at the appointment-fine. You don't have POA. Who does? Have you spoken with your sister about this?
Seems like you have little to no leverage in this situation. Ok. If your mother is fully capable to self care, your sister is MIA, ask the medical team why they contact you about your mother. Get this all sorted out to your satisfaction and if nessacary, move on. Does not seem like you're appreciated or needed by your mother at this point in her care.
You must keep your job, your sanity, your self respect, 'cause at the end of the day, that may be all you have once this is over and no sense in being destroyed by others selfishness.
Tajann Jan 2022
I haven't spoken to my sister since she blamed me for my moms fall. She told me "shame on you" for not checking on mom more. My mom was completely independent and driving before she decided to get on a step ladder and fix something on a window. I work full time and checked on her daily, always reminding her to let me know if she needs something. But I couldn't watch her 24/7 and stop her from doing things around her house.
PeggySue2020 Jan 2022
Tell her cooperating with rehab is the way she gets out of there. There is no other way. You can't possibly deal with a festering wound by yourself. Let her know.

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