I am 73 and my husband is 76 and to be honest we are both tired out and feel like we want our lives back before ours go. However I just can’t bring myself to put Mum in a care home. How do I get over this? I feel so bad for my husband it is just not fair on him. All my friends are worried about me saying I am looking very tired and to be honest I am all the time. What should I do?

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I can appreciate that this can be one of the hardest things you are ever faced with.

Find a reason she needs to be “temporarily” removed from the home. Present this not as a question but as a natural course of action needed to get her out of the home for her safety while x, y or z is taken care of. You may even already have that needed project/surgery/trip pending.

On October 14, 2021, a week after turning 95, my DH aunt was napping in her hospital bed. There was a malfunction in the laundry room, 700 gallons of water poured throughout a large portion of her home. I was forced to move her for remediation of the home.

Turns out, her acceptance and behavior has been the easiest part of the whole ordeal.
She has actually improved in disposition. She practically glows when she lists the attributes of the facility and she’s bedfast still doing pretty much what she did at home.

It took me a minute to realize that I was having more of a problem with it than she was. So, give it a try, Present a “reason” that she can easily understand that immediate action must be taken. No long discussions. No tears or regrets on your part to confuse the situation.

You might find it’s a tonic for her. I was really dreading having to tell her she had to leave her home. She seemed to know it before I did. Big hugs. I hope you get that rest soon.
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I entirely agree. The 101 year old mother should be placed in an assisted living facility. There, she will receive better care from professionals and not from a guilt-ridden and burn-out daughter and a abandoned son-in-law.
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I can understand feeling guilty. But you are going to have to find a way to get over it. You're burnt out and done. You have a right to that. You have a right to put you first. Then your husband. That's the most important thing to remember. You deserve to enjoy your retirement, not be exhausted from full time caregiving.

Either get 24/7 help for her or find a nice place for her to live. You can visit when you want to and have the time and energy to take care of yourself and your marriage.
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