My Dad is in assisted living near me — we moved him down here this summer after a series of health crises. He's only 79 and while his health is in bad shape after three bouts of cancer, he has been mentally/cognitively fine, or so it seemed. He does have some short term memory problems and gets confused by complicated tasks, but the bigger problem is that he just throws up his hands and says "you do it" over so many things.
It's like he spends three times as much energy and effort trying to get me (or the people at the assisted living center) to do things for him than it would take to do it himself! Right now we are changing banks for him. I set up new bank accounts, got everything square away, all he needs to do is call social security and get them to change his direct deposit. This has been two days of him calling and emailing and saying the number I gave him is bad, he just got an automated system, he doesn't think his phone is working, etc etc etc just to get out of making the phone call! I know doing stuff like this isn't fun, but taking time off work to take him to the urologist and the cardiologist and the neurologist and the orthopedist isn't fun for ME, but somehow I manage to do it because I'm a competent adult. And my feeling is, if he's a competent adult who is capable of having his own bank accounts, he can call social security himself. Now he wants the name and number of the banker at the new bank because "maybe he will help me" !!!!
My daughter is 16 and she's more reasonable. Ugh.
My question is, how do I get him to do things he CAN do for himself so I don't have to do everything? Especially this stuff where even with POA it's a huge pain in the butt (like calling social security)
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"He does have some short term memory problems and gets confused by complicated tasks." This could be an early stage of a Dementia. Your Dad is almost 80. This is considered elderly even if people are living to 90 or 100. You have really answered ur own question, he gets confused so the last thing he can do is maneuver thru an automated system. Its push this button if you want this, this button if you want that. And they don't always say "please push 0 for a rep. You have to know u can do that. If he has any loss of hearing, even worse. At 72 for me going thru these automated things is frustrating.
I hope you did not close his account where his SS goes to. You should always wait until you are sure SS goes to the new acct before shutting down an old one. As said, you may need to become his payee, but for now you need to make the call to SS and then have him tell them that you are there and will give them the rerouting info. Also his new address. I never became payee for Mom. My name was on her acct and I was POA. I wrote the checks and it was never questioned. Her statement showed the money coming in and out. If I bought Mom something, I paid myself back once a month. I kept the receipts in an envelope for that month with the ck# and the amount on the outside.
I was lucky that I was retired at Moms worst. I would check to see if Dads doctor visits can be cut back. If he is stable with his treatment, then maybe every six months or a year. I did this with my Mom. See if any have a PA or NP that can see him at the AL. Moms foot doctor went to her in the AL.
I do understand how this can be overwhelming when working. My family was not allowed to call me at work unless it was an emergency. But you need to realize that Dad maybe in the early stage of a Dementia. Him being in an AL is a good thing now. You may need to have him re-evaluated in what care he now needs. Yes, the cost will go up. You need to make his neurologist aware of these changes. Patience is not one of my virtues but you are going to need it. You already said he has shirt-term memory and gets confused easily. Then there comes not being able to reason with him. It takes longer for him to process what is being said and to comprehend it. By insisting him to do it, you just feed into his anxiety. He can't help it. And it will get worse.
Wishing you both the very best. It's so hard isn't it?
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I think the cognition of dad is not as you think it is.
I strongly suggest that, if you Become his Rep. Payee for the Social Security.
You may have to change the accounts at the bank as well.
This is also a perfect time of year for a full exam not just by his Primary but a Neurologist or a Neuropsychologist as well.
There is often a decline with a move, a change of surroundings so it may depend on when "this summer" he moved. If it was May or June he should be settled and any decline he had happened then and he is at his current "baseline. If by this summer you mean in August he may still be having some problems with the move.
You probably need to have him assessed by a neurologist to find out exactly what is going on with him, so you will know how to proceed with him going forward.
And having a POA means nothing to the Social Security office. You must be set up as his representative payee, before they will even think about talking to you. You can probably go online to their website to find out how to do that.
I wish you and your dad the very best.